


Shouldn't Talk About It

by Ghosts_With_Glasses, Order_Of_The_Forks



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: BPD, Cheating, Evan's a liar who'd have fucking thunk, F/M, Gay, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Tree Bros, tw panic attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-01-27 22:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 26
Words: 63,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12592160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghosts_With_Glasses/pseuds/Ghosts_With_Glasses, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Order_Of_The_Forks/pseuds/Order_Of_The_Forks
Summary: Evan, for the first time since he could remember, was content with his life. Wasn't it just like him to ruin it.(FINISHED)





	1. you're never going to love me, so what's the use?

Technically, Evan knew that taking accelerated English required a group project. It was on the syllabus. He had learned about it on the first day of school. Yet, there was still the horrible, gut-clenching shock of learning that instead of working silently on an analytical paragraph, you were going to have to be graded with your partner on things that were very much out of your control, like how much of a slacker your partner was or whether or not they knew how to use Google Drive. 

Nobody else in the class looked like they were freaking out. Why weren’t they freaking out? Why was everyone else just signing out their copies of A Midsummer Night’s Dream like nothing was the matter? The palms of his hands began to sweat profusely at the thought of being paired up with anyone in this class. It's not like he disliked anyone, it's just that the thought of being partnered up with anyone in the room made his blood pressure take a turn for the worse.

Evan felt like he was having an out-of-body experience as he watched students get paired up from his spot at the back of the room. Pair by pair he watched as groups started working on what to them was a simple assignment, but to Evan was a moment where his already dreary life had gotten worse. It was just a group project. He should try to do the breathing exercises that Dr. Sherman taught him before he has to take another visit to the school's nurse. 

“You’re Evan right?”

The voice was immediately recognizable, as soon as the words left her mouth. Evan slowly raised his head up coming face to face with Zoe Murphy, his crush since 5th grade. Her hair was evenly parted, which framed her face nicely and showed off her exhilaratingly green eyes.

“Um. Yes. Evan. H-Hansen. Evan Hansen, that's me!” Evan internally slapped himself. “So you're my, uh, my partner?”

“I mean, yeah.” Zoe cocked an eyebrow. “Mr. Sanderson literally just said that.”

“Oh. Yeah. I, um, I guess so.” Evan laughed awkwardly. “So, A Midnight, wait, A Midsummer Dream-”

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Zoe chuckled softly and slid into the seat next to Evan.

“Yes. That is indeed what I meant to say.” Evan flipped through the pages of his book absently. “So what’s our project going to be?”

Zoe tossed a loose lock of hair over her shoulder in a way that made Evan’s stomach twist. “So Mr. Sanderson said that we could do a video, a slideshow, or a presentation on anything relating to the play.” Zoe grinned. “I think we should reenact a scene.”

“I, um, I’m not great at public speaking?” Evan said, shifting nervously in his seat. “Could we maybe do something else?”

“C’mon, it’ll be great!” Zoe said. “Get outside your comfort zone, you know?” She playfully hit Evan’s arm, a move that made Evan’s arm feel warm for the rest of class, like it had been touched by an angel. 

Evan bit his lip. “O-okay. Sure.”

“Really?” Zoe said, her voice rising an octave. “Oh, this’ll be so much fun! Can you come over today after school so we can work on our scene?”

Evan didn’t want to. He wanted to stay at home, alone, doing homework and watching trash TV. He wanted to curl up in his bed, and think that his life was going to get better, by some miracle. However, he didn’t really have any plans, and this was the type of thing Jared would mock him for passing up for years. He knew how the taunting from his ‘family friend’ could be, so with reluctance he muttered a “sounds good.”

“Awesome! This is our… second to last period, so at 2:35 meet me in the lobby and I can drive you to my place.” Zoe leaned towards Evan and lowered her voice to a hushed whisper, which seemed unnecessary as the room was a bustling hub of noise with everyone working loudly in their groups. “You’re going to have to deal with my brother, though. He got his license suspended so my parents are making me haul his sorry ass to and from school.”

“Oh. That, um, that sucks.” 

Zoe snorted and leaned back to her own desk. “Yeah, it really does.”

“So what scene should- are we going to, um, what scene do you want to do?” Evan leafed through his copy of the play. 

“I’m thinking Act 2, Scene 2? You can read for Lysander and I can read for Hermia.” Zoe flipped to the page and gestured for Evan to start.

“Oh. Um- ‘fair love, you faint with wand’ring in the wood; and to seek- I mean speak- speak troth I have forgot our way. We’ll rest us, Hernia- sorry, Hermia- if you think it good, and tarry for the comfort of the day.”

Zoe smiled encouragingly before going on. “‘Be’t so, Lysander. Find you a bed, for I upon this bank shall rest my head.’”

Evan’s face burned as he read the next line. “‘One surf- uh, turf- shall serve as pillow for u-us both, one heart, one bed, two bosoms, and one troth.”

Zoe gasped in mock horror, a playful grin playing on the edges of her lips. “Nay, good Lysander; for my sake, my dear, lie further off yet; do not lie so near.”

They continued like that, sharing lines back and forth, with Zoe cracking jokes and Evan pitifully attempting the role of a suave charmer, though he failed miserably. Too soon, the bell rang and Zoe was out the door with a “remember, lobby at 2:35!”, the keychains on her backpack rattling and jingling as she flounced out of the English classroom. 

Evan shrugged his bag on his shoulder and steeled himself for the harsh reality that was the hallway, as took deep breaths to mentally prepare himself. He was used to the shoves and jostles from all direction from his peers rushing to their last class of the day, Evan almost didn’t notice the arm thrown over his shoulder and the hip that was knocked against his.

“Hey, tree fucker! How’s it going with sex goddess Zoe Murphy?” 

Evan pulled away from his family friend, his face red. “J-Jared!”

“Did you talk to her yet? Did you ask her about her batshit crazy brother? I want to know his deal, man. I think he wants to blow the school up.” Jared paused his monologue to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “So, is she as hipster as she looks? Does she listen to music on vinyl? I bet she does.”

“We- we’re partners for a project in English, if, uh, if that’s what you mean.” Evan tried to shove past Jared, but he found the glasses-clad brunet right by his side again anyway. 

“Really? Hot. I bet you’re reenacting some kinky literary sex scene. You seem like the type to be into that.”

“We’re reading Shakespeare!” Evan blurted. “I-It’s not like you’re saying. We’re reenacting Shakespeare and that’s it.”

“You know who was a horny bastard?” Jared asked, wiggling his eyebrows. “Shakespeare. His plays were straight pornos back in the day. Just with more word vomit.”

“How do you know so much about Shakespeare?” Evan muttered under his breath. “You failed Standard English three times.”

“I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you being a fucking savage.” Jared laughed. “Well, I'm off to steal yo man. Toodles!”

“Jared, you’re going to Biology!” Evan called after him, but he had already disappeared into the mass of students. 

Evan let the flow of the crowd carry him to his classroom, pushing past a group of girls to make it to his math class before the bell rang. Evan took his seat in the back and pulled out his notebook, keeping his head down and making sure not to make eye contact with anyone. If he made eye contact with the teacher, she would probably call on him, and everyone in the class already knew what would happen if sad little Evan Hansen got called up to do a problem on the board. 

The back of the class was a safe spot for Evan, he was as far away from the other students as he could get. The only other person that sat in the back was Connor Murphy, Zoe's brother. He was a ticking time bomb that Evan tried to avoid at all costs. Unlike his sister, Connor had dark brown hair, and bright blue eyes with a hint of brown in the left one. He usually didn't show up because he skipped classes a lot, but today he was here. His attention was brought back to the teacher as she began to speak.

Luckily, Ms. Kondrat found it suitable to hand out a packet and have each student work individually. The other class members groaned, but Evan remained silent and waited for his work to be handed out. Evan wished he had music to drown out the inevitable whispers and soft conversations like the stoners close to the back who wore their thick studio headphones everywhere. 

Evan worked diligently on the packet, despite knowing little to nothing about quadratic equations. He just filled in numbers and circled random choices and tried not to let his gaze slip back to the enigma that was Zoe Murphy's older brother. After three bathroom trips and what seemed like an eternity, the bell rang, signaling the end of the day. Evan filed out of the class with the rest of the students, his heart feeling like it was going to stop any minute. The front of the school was getting closer, and peering through all the students he could see Zoe standing near the doors.

She gave a small wave, “Hey Evan, we gotta wait on Connor before we can leave. He's probably fighting someone or snorting some drugs or some shit. You know my brother.” 

Zoe wasn't far from wrong, as Connor got closer Evan could see a detention slip crushed up in his left hand. Connor attempted to throw the detention slip in the trash, where it missed and hit some poor freshman girl in the head. “What’s he doing here?” Connor snarled, jerking his head in Evan’s direction.

Zoe stuck her tongue out at her brother. “I actually have friends, unlike some people.”

Connor then fixed his piercing gaze on Evan, which sent a shiver down his spine. “Is she bribing you or something?”

“N-no! We- we’re partners on an English- a Shakespeare project.” Evan shook his head aggressively. “She’s not bribing me, I, uh, I promise.” 

“Hmm.” Connor squinted incredulously, but thankfully didn’t question Evan further. “Hopefully you aren’t planning on picking up any more stragglers because I need to get out of this hellhole before Ms. Realize-Your-Potential figures out I’m skipping detention.”

“Oh my god, Connor.” Zoe rolled her eyes and gestured to her backpack. “Could you get my keys out of the front pocket of my backpack? They have a light-up pig keychain.”

Connor frowned but obliged, digging through his sister’s backpack until a sharp light emanated from the pocket. “Found ‘em.” He dangled the keys over Zoe’s shoulder, who grabbed them and smiled. 

“Then we’re all set! C’mon, gang, to mi casa.” 

Connor scoffed. “Excuse you, our casa.”

“Oh, don’t pretend you know Spanish, you AP French whore.” 

Evan watched the conversation unfold with a morbid curiosity. What did Zoe think was going to happen, teasing Connor like that? It was like poking a stick at a bear. Instead of screaming, or throwing a chair, or anything of that nature, Connor just stuck out his tongue and led the carpool entourage out the school doors. Maybe it was a sibling thing Evan didn't understand. Maybe Zoe was some sort of Connor-whisperer. 

It was a rainy day, the type where it’s not raining hard enough to use an umbrella as you pick up the newspaper but raining enough to need one if you’re outside for more than 30 seconds. Zoe, according to the school rules, had to park in the junior lot ten minutes away. By the time they got to the car, Evan was thoroughly and uncomfortably wet from the rain. There was mud and water in his sneakers and his light fleece felt like it had soaked up all the moisture in the air. Connor’s hair dangled in strings in front of his face, and his dark denim jacket had turned five shades darker. Zoe was the only one who looked unaffected by the rain. She was wet like the rest of the group, but she was the only one who looked happy, even though her distressed light-wash overalls that probably cost a fortune were soaked and the red flannel she had put over her head to “protect my eyeliner from the rain, do you think this level of beauty is easy to maintain?” was flattened against her hair and on the verge of slipping off. 

Zoe slid into the front seat of the car without a word, and Connor silently took his place in the backseat. Evan stood awkwardly between doors. Was he supposed to sit in the front seat or the back seat? Evan hoped it was more polite to sit in the back. He had always hated the front seat after he saw a news report on TV about someone who hadn’t buckled their seat belt and got into a car crash but instead of being protected by the seat belt they were launched through the windshield and died on impact from a fractured skull. Even though his mom had told him hundreds of times that the probability of that happening was extremely low, Evan had always taken the back seat out of precaution.

Zoe looked down at a large paper bag of… something in the passenger seat. “Oh, I’m so sorry!” She blurted, reaching to move the bag. “I forgot this was here, I can move it and you can sit in the front.”

Evan coughed nervously. “That’s okay. I can, uh, I’ll just sit in the back. I, um, I like the backseat.”

Zoe nodded. “Alrighty. Then get on in and we’ll be ready to rock and roll.”

The car ride, to say the least, was awful. The rain caused terrible traffic, which apparently irritated Connor to no end. Evan, who was unfortunately stuck sitting next to him (but succeeded in not being catapulted through the windshield, so that was a definite win) had to put up with his constant complaining and his infuriating refusal to wear a seat belt. When he wasn’t kicking the back of Zoe’s seat, Evan had to deal with Connor’s lanky legs pressing against his own due to lack of space, which was an interesting experience and an emotion Evan didn’t think he would be able to describe again even if he tried. Zoe had, instead of car fresheners, an array of scented (unlit, thankfully) candles crammed along her dashboard, making the whole car smell overpoweringly like lemon and apple cider. 

After what felt like forever crammed into Zoe’s bright yellow VW Beetle, the journey ended at the Murphy’s towering McMansion halfway across town from Evan’s house. The Murphy siblings headed right up to the front porch like they owned the place, which was half true. Evan trailed behind them, feeling as if he was soiling holy ground with his muddy tennis shoes he had gotten in the bargain bin at Target. 

The inside of the house was just as stunning as the outside. The foyer greeted any guest with creamy white walls, two (two!!) enormous grand staircases on either side of the entranceway and a large chandelier suspended from the high, sloping ceiling. Almost immediately, a friendly-looking woman emerged from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her yoga pants and grinning widely when she saw her children. 

“Hey! How was school, you two?” She gasped when she saw Evan, still standing by the door and looking around the house in awe. “And who’s our guest?”

Zoe forced a smile. “This is Evan, mom. We’re working together on a project for English.”

Zoe’s mother put a hand on her chest in a ‘bless your heart’ way. “Oh, are you in Accelerated English with Zoe? She’s the only junior in the class, you know. We’re all very proud of her academic achievements. I’m sure you’re smart too, if you’re in the same class. You can call me Cynthia, dear. I’m overjoyed Zoe’s making so many friends.” She turned her attention to Connor, next, who looked completely disinterested. “Connor, honey, what did you today in school?”

Connor started to tug off his heavy black combat boots with difficulty, not looking his mother in the eye. “I punched Kevin Seacott.” With that, he gave up on his boots, dropped his shoulder bag in the middle of the floor, and started up the stairs. 

“Connor, sweetie, you can’t keep doing this. Imagine how bad this will look on your permanent record when you’re applying to colleges.” Zoe’s mom frowned and crossed her arms, apparently forgetting about Zoe and Evan standing next to her. 

“Who said I’m going to college?” Connor yelled from the top of the stairs. “I’m planning on dying nice and young without ever having to worry about taxes or marriage or having kids. Maybe you should’ve considered the same thing.”

For a moment, Cynthia’s pleasant demeanor shattered. She looked like she wanted to scream and cry and hit her son all at the same time. In a second, though, her smile reappeared full force. She put a hand on Zoe’s shoulder, who’s face was twisted like she had eaten something sour. “You and your friend can go up to your room to study, Zobear. I’ll bring up some snacks for you later. It was lovely meeting you, Evan.”

“Yeah. C’mon, Evan. Do you have your book?” 

Evan tapped his backpack. “Y-yes.” 

“Then we’re good. Have fun with the yoga club, mom.” Zoe started towards the stairs, Evan trailing after her.

Cynthia smiled. “I sure will. Make sure you get work done, Zoe. You can’t just play your guitar the entire time.”

“Uh-huh.” Zoe rolled her eyes. “Let's go, Evan.” She turned on her heel and marched up the stairs. The hallway above was significantly less grand then the entranceway. Doors, open and closed, cluttered the pristine cream walls. As Evan followed Zoe to the end of the wall, there was one room that caught his attention. The room didn't have a door, only marks where the hinges should've been. It was cluttered and messy, and who else but Connor Murphy sat at the desk in the corner, tapping his fingers like drumsticks against the edge of the table to the rhythm of the song playing through his headphones.

Zoe didn't bat an eye at the room, just led Evan to a door at the end of the hallway and dramatically opened it, gesturing for Evan to go inside.

“Welcome to my humble abode, Master Hansen.” Zoe bowed deeply. “Please, do not rip the leaves off of the plants. Connor does that and it's really annoying.”

“Oh, don't worry.” Evan laughed awkwardly. “I would never harm a plant. At least not, uh, not willingly. I guess if I was held at gunpoint I might, but, um, I think that’s a completely different situation-”

“Bro,” Zoe said, breaking character. “Chill. I didn't know if you were like, one of those people who rips the leaves off of plants absentmindedly. That's it. I'm not going to hold you at gunpoint and force you to mutilate my ferns.”

Evan bit his lip. “Oh. Good.”

Zoe stepped past Evan, kicked her shoes off onto some nondescript corner of the room, and collapsed into her bed. Zoe’s room looked straight out of an Instagram picture. The white walls were adorned with hanging rugs and small tapestries of varying colors and patterns along with shelves holding a cluttered array of books, scented candles, and creeping plants whose vines had stretched down towards the floor and up to the ceiling, where they tangled in the rafters and made the whole thing seem like a fairy tale. Zoe’s queen bed lay front and center, covered in patterned blankets and throw pillows in hundreds of shades of reds and yellows and other warm tones. She had a guitar propped up in one corner of the room underneath a large black-and-white patterned floor rug and piles of shoes in every corner that wasn't taken up by furniture or another pair of shoes. It seemed as if Zoe had a habit of kicking off her shoes and leaving them wherever they landed. 

To top it all off, the ceiling was strung with countless tiny fairy lights that hung low over the bed and bathed the room in an ethereal light. Of all of the things that screamed “Zoe” in the room- the guitar, the books, the small Polaroid camera on the desk- it was the lights that would stick with Evan. 

“So,” Zoe said from her spot on the bed, “do you have your book? I want to run over the scene a few times.”

“O-okay, yeah, um, I'll get get it.”

Evan turned his attention to his tiny backpack that he had dropped in one of the corners of Zoe's room. He began to rummage through his backpack until he noticed that the book wasn't there. Panic started to set in as he continued to look through his bag. Why would his book not be here? He'd brought it with him after school! Now Zoe would be mad at his clumsiness and forgetfulness and think he was the worst person ever, which he was, and she would never want to work with him again!

Zoe looked concerned. “Everything ok, Ev?”

“I’mreallysorryIcan’tfindmybookwhichisweirdbecauseIputthebookinmybackpackI’msosorryIunderstandifyoudon’twanttobemypartneranymoreI’msorry!” Evan scolded himself for the hot feeling of tears that flooded his eyes. It was just a book. Who gets so distraught over a book?

Seemingly at a loss for words, Zoe pulled Evan into a tight hug. Evan felt a blush rise to his cheeks and he knew that no matter what he said, Jared would never believe this.

“I'll go check the car, maybe it fell out of your backpack there. You can check around the house for it.” Zoe pulled away from the hug with what she hoped was a comforting grin. “It’s fine. We can always find a copy online if we need to.”

Evan knew his face was red and that Zoe was probably weirded out by it. “Y-yeah. It’s probably th-there.”

Zoe smiled and left the room to go to the car, leaving Evan alone. 

As Zoe left, Evan began to search the house in pursuit of his book. He wandered the hallway that connected Zoe and Connor’s room. There weren't a ton of places the book could’ve gotten, so Evan was extra careful to check. Before he could make his way down the stairs, he saw that Connor had taken his book and currently sat in the middle of his room reading it. Before Evan could even say anything, Connor stood up and stormed over to the doorframe, towering over Evan with a glare. 

“What the fuck do you want?” 

Evan attempted a smile, which was only met with a scowl. “I-I need my b-”

Connor shoved Evan into the wall across the hall and, for good measure threw a plastic cup with a few pencils and pens at him, where it luckily hit the wall beside him and sent a single pencil ricocheting into his cheek. “Go fuck yourself!”

Evan rubbed at the small mark on his cheek from the pencil and stood up on shaky legs. Connor’s attack and his words stung, but Evan had no choice but to make his way downstairs and tell Zoe he'd found his book. Sort of. 

Zoe came into the house soaking wet. She immediately made her way to a small powder room off to the side of the foyer and wrung her hair out in the sink, the dye in her hair transforming the water pooled in the sink a dark indigo. “No dice with the car. Did you have any better luck inside?”

“I-I mean I, uh, I found it, but…”

Zoe tossed her hair over her shoulder and looked at Evan, her eyebrows knit together and her lips pulled into a tight frown. “But what?”

“Connor has it.”

“Shit.” Zoe bit her lip in thought. “Alright, we're gonna get that book back.” Zoe pushed past Evan and stormed up the stairs, talking to herself the whole way. “How did he even get that book out of your bag? I knew he was a budding kleptomaniac, but ‘no, Zoe, he's just jealous of your stuff Zoe, it’s probably just a one-time thing, Zoe.’”

Zoe walked up to where Connor’s door should've been and, taking a deep breath, pounded on the wall with an open palm. 

“What do you want?” Connor yelled from where he sat on his bed, his knees jackknifed up to his chest in a way that couldn’t have possibly been comfortable. 

 

“Give the book back, you fucker!” Zoe yelled back just as loudly and harshly. Evan took a step back. Where was the Zoe that played guitar so well and gave everyone candy on holidays? This Zoe was angry, like she had hit her breaking point long ago. “And you can’t go around fucking assaulting my friends! A hell of a lot of doctors have said that you aren’t a psychopath, but I’m not really convinced!”

“Fine!” Connor threw the book out the door with astounding accuracy, where it landed at Evan’s feet. Evan picked it up and hugged it to his chest, hot tears sliding down his cheeks. “Take your fucking book. I don’t know why you want it, though. I didn’t know babies could read.”

Zoe whirled around to face Evan. “Shit, shit, shit. Evan.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “C’mon, let’s go to my room. There’s a lock on my door, he can’t come in.” Without waiting for a response, she wrapped her arm around Evan’s shoulder and led him down the hall, shooting glares back at her brother. “I’m sorry Connor’s such a dick. Sometimes I wish he did have a door so we didn’t have to fucking deal with him all the time.” 

Zoe sat Evan down on the edge of her bed and locked the door behind her. She put her hands on top of his comfortingly. “It’s okay. I hate it when people yell too. I shouldn’t have yelled at Connor while you were over, but he just gets so terrible, you know? I just can’t help it sometimes.”

Evan nodded and tried desperately to stop crying like the pathetic mess he was. What was the thing Dr. Sherman said to do? In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four. In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four. At least Zoe pretended that she understood.

“W-why doesn’t he have a door?” Evan said, wiping at his eyes and trying to compose himself.

Zoe fell back so she was lying on her back, grabbing a throw pillow and hugging it to her chest. “My mom said it would give him less privacy and less of a way to retreat into himself. I think it’s really so that he can’t try to kill himself again.”

“When did he-”

“I don't really want to talk about it.” Zoe snapped. “You got your book back, let's practice.”

Evan nodded and opened his book, trying to choke back all of the events of the afternoon with a single breath of air. Zoe sat up and rested her chin on his shoulder so she could read out of his book, her hair tickling Evan’s neck. 

“Fair love, you faint with wand’ring in the wood; and to speak troth I have forgot our way. We’ll rest us, Hermia, if you think it good, and tarry for the comfort of the day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup yall it me
> 
> the song i listened to for this chapter is Lies by Marina and the diamonds


	2. what’s the point in playing a game you’re going to lose?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The burger bois get burgers.

Evan was, for the third time that week, eating his lunch in the computer lab. To be fair, it had been a difficult week. There was that bio test, then he needed to write an essay on Charlemagne, all on top of the ongoing stress of college application. Oh, and Dr. Sherman was really proud of him for getting a job, so he couldn’t back out now. Hooray.

Evan’s only saving grace had been Zoe. They had been regularly “practicing” after school, but since the scene didn’t even need to be memorized, they spent most of their time helping each other with homework and getting to know each other better. Both Dr. Sherman and his mother were very proud of Evan making a new friend, even though Heidi was even more convinced they were dating than Jared was. 

The cafeteria was still too stressful, even with a new friend thrown in the mix. The library was always full, as the freshmen loved to take their study periods in the library so they could spend their time without being under constant scrutiny from their study advisor. The bathroom was out of the question; germs were much too big of an issue. 

So the computer lab it was. It was a renovated classroom, so it really only had room for a handful of old computers, three printers, and a desk for whatever tired-looking faculty member happened to be overseeing the lab that day. 

Evan took his place on one of the chairs in the back of the room, picking at his tuna-fish sandwich and trying not to look like a loser. This was most likely a futile attempt, since anyone who has to try to not look like a loser automatically looks like a loser no matter what they do. 

The squeaky door of the computer lab swung open, the metallic squeal alerting everyone in the room of the new arrival. Evan glanced up for a second, startled by the noise, but retreated back into his homework quickly. Five recurring motifs in The Handmaid’s Tale. Uh, gender treachery, abortion, blaming rape victims, pregnancy-

“Hey.”

Evan’s gaze snapped up to the source of the sudden greeting. Connor Murphy was standing in front of him, his hands in his pockets and his hair obscuring his face. He looked as out of place in the computer lab as a Rembrandt painting in a bathroom. 

Not that Evan was comparing Connor to a Rembrandt painting. He was good-looking, but certainly not to that degree.

“Well, don't say hello.” Connor rolled his eyes and tucked a lock of hair behind his ear.

Evan choked down a bite of tuna. “L-last time I saw you, y-you made me cry.”

“Okay, no hello.” Connor shrugged resignedly. “Look, I'm sorry. I have a tendency to… throw things when I'm angry. It wasn't your fault.”

“Oh.”

Connor attempted a feeble smile and held out his hand. “Truce?”

Tentatively, Evan shook it. “T-truce.” 

Connor sat down on the chair next to Evan and pulled his feet up on the seat, folding his knees to his chest, directly mirroring how Evan had seen him in his bedroom the first day at Zoe’s house. “Zoe talks about you constantly, you know.”

“Really?” Evan said, sounding like an idiot.

“Yeah. Whenever she mentions you, My mom always says the same thing: ‘I'd make sure nobody else snatches him up. He's such a nice boy.’” Connor raised his voice an octave in a crude imitation of his mother’s voice. “I'm pretty sure she thinks you're dating.”

Evan laughed awkwardly. “I, um, I think my mom thinks so too. It's pretty, uh, pretty awkward.”

Connor nodded. “You got a job?”

“I, uh, I work at the community farm after school until 4:30,” Evan said, confused by the sudden question. “W-why?”

“I'll be there at three.” With that final declaration, Connor stood up and left the computer lab. 

~

The rest of the day passed by like any other day. School ended at 2:30 like normal; he walked to the farm like normal. However, there was a dark cloud hanging over him as he washed and bagged the carrots. Not literally; it was a beautiful day, the sun shining and the birds warbling in the trees. One of the girls working at the wash station next to him-he was pretty sure her name was Sera- scooted over to Evan’s side, dripping cilantro in her hands. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked. “You’ve been mopey this whole time.”

“Not, uh, not mopey.” Normally, Evan would’ve avoided the personal question, but he knew Sera was trustworthy. “C-contemplative.”

“Hmm.” Sera nodded grimly, her battered baseball cap shading her eyes. “Contemplating what?”

Evan had to think about his answer for a few seconds, acting like washing carrots was suddenly one of the most interesting activities in the world. “Uh- someone from school.”

“The mysterious and elusive Zoe?” Sera grinned. “I saw her in the hallway the other day. She’s pretty hot, I don’t blame you.”

Evan blushed and looked down at the carrots. “N-no. Someone, uh, someone else.”

“Golly. Look at you gettin’ all popular on me.” Sera bagged her final bunch of cilantro and wiped her wet hands on her jeans. “Well, I’m on 3:00 break. Toodles!”

As Sera sauntered off to the bee house (the only place to sit), Evan felt his heart rate pick up speed. 3:00. This was it; did Connor actually mean it when he said he would come? And why?

And, speak of the devil, as Evan surveyed the farm, there was Connor, dark and brooding against a picturesque backdrop; the angel of death stuck among the cabbages.

Connor came slouching over to Evan’s washtable, squinting against the sun. He nodded at Evan casually and sat down casually on the one chair they had outside. “Hey.” 

“Uh- hello.” Evan bagged his last bushel of carrots and dried his hands off on his shirt. “Wh-what are you doing here?”

“I needed to get out of the house.” Connor raised an eyebrow and pointed a finger at Evan accusingly. “Hey, at least I warned you. When do you stop working?”

“N-not for another hour and a half. I, uh, I need to weed the beds.” Evan stepped backwards and tripped on his shoelaces. “S-So you can, uh, go, if you want.”

“Fuck that.” Connor stood up and crossed his arms. “Teach me how to weed.”

Evan attempted a feeble smile. “S-sure.” He beckoned for Connor to follow him over to the closest bed. “It’s, um, it’s not hard. You just- you just pull up anything that isn’t, um, that isn’t what we want to be growing.” Connor listened attentively. While it was incredibly awkward to be the center of attention, Evan had to admit it was nice to be listened to for once. 

Connor knelt down in the dirt and started pulling at weeds aggressively. Evan sat beside him and worked at the weeds silently, just enjoying the warm sun and the breeze. He saw Sera peek out of the bee house, grin wickedly, and disappear, which was pretty unnerving but did nothing to damper his mood. The time passed quickly and Evan finished the beds in record time with another set of hands helping him out. 

At 4:30, Evan sat back, dusted the dirt off of his hands, and wiped the sweat off of his forehead with the satisfaction of a job well done.

Connor looked relieved. “Are we done?”

Evan grinned. “Yep.”

“Good. C’mon, get your stuff.” Connor jumped up and pulled on his shoulder bag. “Do you have a car?”

“N-no. I walk.” Evan fidgeted uncomfortably in place. What was Connor trying to do? “Why?”

“Because,” Connor said, pulling a pig keychain out of his pocket, “I’ve got Zoe’s car for the day and I wanna take it for a ride.”

“D-didn’t you get your license suspended?”

“I got my license suspended for having weed in my car, Hansen. Not for running someone over.” Connor tossed the keys in the air and caught them again one-handed. “What’re you planning for dinner?”

“W-well, I have leftover Ch-Chinese food at home.” Evan pulled at the hem of his shirt. He knew he should stop doing it, the seams were starting to unravel. But he liked the feeling of the frayed hem. The well-worn aspect of the old shirt was comforting. “I-I was just, um, just going to eat that and-and then do my homework.”

“Lame.” Connor scrunched his nose like he smelled something rotten. “We’re gonna get burgers. You’re not vegetarian, right?”

“I d-don’t have money!” Evan blurted out. “And-and I’m not a vegetarian.”

“It’ll be my treat.” Connor grabbed Evan’s wrist and dragged him towards the parking lot. “Jesus christ, just come with me. I’m fucking starving.”

Evan shut up and climbed into Zoe’s car with Connor. He wasn’t going to turn down free (good) food just because Jared said Connor would end up shooting up the school some day. Connor drove recklessly with his eyes trained on the road. The car was deathly quiet apart from the rattling of the clutter on the dashboard and the hum of the engine. Evan’s head was starting to ache from the thick scent of lemon and apple cider that always hung around Zoe. It was everywhere- in her car, in her bedroom; the smell clung to her like a cloud. When Evan came home from the Murphy’s house, he could always smell the immediately recognizable medley of scents hanging onto his clothes like they didn’t want to let Zoe go. Evan never liked to admit to himself how much he enjoyed the smell.

Connor pulled into the parking lot of The Potato King and climbed out of the car without looking at Evan. Once he was out in the clear afternoon air, Evan took deep breaths to clear the scented candle-induced fog from his head. 

The Potato King, despite its absolutely ridiculous name, was one of the most popular dining establishments in town for teenagers, the only problems being that it was relatively far from the center of town and that there was always someone selling drugs out of the third stall in the men’s bathroom. It was known for having the best burgers, the best fries (hence the name), and the best wait staff that asks no questions about who you are and why you’re there. Which is especially nice for people cheating on their significant others and drug dealers. It was Pasek, Connecticut’s very own Pop’s Chocklit Shoppe. 

Connor grinned at Evan and started to walk towards the door, an unspoken beckon to follow. Evan had to run to catch up with Connor’s long legs due to his late start from the other side of the car. The Potato King was shockingly empty for a Thursday afternoon, but it was that awkward time between lunch and dinner when nobody really wants to eat anything more than a quick snack. 

Connor took a booth in the far corner of the restaurant, twisting sideways so that he could prop his feet up on the seat. Evan slid into the seat across from him.

Connor broke the silence like any rational person should break an awkward silence; with a question about food. “Do you want onion rings or mozzarella sticks?”

Evan shrugged. Connor smacked the table with an open palm. “Fuck it, we’re getting both.”

“Y-you don’t have to do that!” Evan said hastily. “Don’t spend all your money on me.”

“Hansen.” Connor rolled his eyes. “Three years ago my mother bought a $300 sausage maker on a whim and then not two weeks later decided that we were all going to go vegan. Trust me, it’s the best way I could spend this money.”

Evan frowned.

“I’m getting a cheeseburger. Do you want one too?” Connor took a sugar packet from the condiment caddy and worried it between his fingers, seemingly unfazed by the prospect of accidentally spilling sugar all over the table.

“Uh, I- I don’t like cheese. On burgers. I like cheese in general, of course, but, um, not on my burgers. I just like the burger and the, um, bun. Not cheese. Or lettuce and tomato or- or ketchup. Just plain and simple.” 

Connor raised an eyebrow and Evan was struck by just how similar he and his sister were. You wouldn’t know just looking at them, but the subtle mannerisms they had mirrored each other perfectly. It made Evan’s head hurt. “Okay, then. Just a plain burger. Wanna milkshake?”

Evan shook his head. “N-no.”

“You’re right. À La Mode has the best milkshakes. Forget I asked.” Connor waved over the waitress. “Can we have one cheeseburger, one hamburger with no toppings, an order of onion rings, and an order of mozzarella sticks? Oh, and water for the table, please.”

The waitress smiled pleasantly and scurried off with the order, leaving the two alone.

“Alright, Hansen. This is where I cut the bullshit.” Connor frowned and placed his palms on the table like he was making an important business deal. “This is me being nice. I’m trying- what I’m trying to do is convince you to be my friend. I see how happy you are with Zoe, and- and I want the same thing. I know that’s selfish and shitty of me, and you can leave if you want.”

Evan blushed. “No! I-I, uh, I’d love to be your friend.”

A smile tugged at the corners of Connor’s lips. “This isn’t just a ploy to get me to buy you more food, is it?”

Evan shook his head hastily. “Of c-course not.”

“Good.” Connor pursed his lips. “So… what sort of things do friends talk about?”

“Oh, uh… I don’t know.”

Connor tapped his fingers on the formica table. “What’s your favorite song?”

Evan paused to think for a second. “Honest answer?”

“I mean, duh. Why would I ask for a lie?”

“And So It Goes by, um, Billy Joel.” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “I know, it’s a bad one, and what teenager listens to Billy Joel but I think it’s good even though you probably only listen to rock music and stuff like that but personally I find that hard rock stuff makes my anxiety worse and gives me a headache and the one time that my mom brought me to a rock concert because she wanted me to expand my horizons I ended up throwing up in the Port-A-Potty and oh my god, that’s really gross I don’t know why I said that-”

“Evan,” Connor interjected with a snort. “Calm your tits. It’s cool, man.”

Evan blushed. “A-Alrighty roo. What’s, um, what’s your favorite song?”

“You have to promise not to laugh.”

Evan knit his brows together. “Why would I laugh?”

Connor put up the hood of his jacket and crossed his arms defensively. “You’re the One That I Want. From Grease.”

Evan grinned. “I-I love that song.”

“Yeah, of course you would.” Connor rolled his eyes. “Nobody expects the crazy emo to like Grease.”

The table lapsed into silence. Connor tapped his fingers on the table, the sound driving Evan crazy. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, tap. Evan’s legs bounced under the table. The waitress came around and placed a large pile of food on the table. Connor reached for a mozzarella stick and ate it solemnly, staring out the window at the sunny parking lot.

Evan, just to say something to break the silence, faked a shiver and went, “Do you think i-it’s cold in here?”

Connor smirked, took off his jacket, held it out over the table for Evan to take and sang softly, “I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying.”

And just like that, the tension was broken. 

Evan and Connor laughed and talked over greasy food for hours. Despite Evan’s constant rebuttal, Connor kept ordering food with the flimsy excuse of ‘rich parents’.

“You’ve never read the Harry Potter books?” Connor asked, shocked.

“I was a Percy Jackson kid!” Evan protested. “Besides, I-I think wizard society as a-a whole is incredibly, um, disfuncional.”

“And fucking gods and goddesses aren’t?” Connor shook his head with a smile on his face. “It’s like a shitty family reunion where everyone wants to murder everyone else.”

Evan laughed. “That, um, that seems pretty accurate.”

“I know a weird amount about ancient deities,” Connor said, gesturing with a french fry, “because I was fucking obsessed with astronomy in middle school. Like, really obsessed.” He laughed softly to himself. “Now… I guess I’m not really interested in anything. You know, except you.”

Evan flushed bright red and stammed out some mess of gibberish.

Connor blanched and slapped a hand over his mouth. “Shit, shit, shit. That sounded so fucking creepy, I’m so sorry. Shit. That was not supposed to be as stalkerish as it was. Holy-fucking-shit. Oh my god. I am so sorry.”

Evan cleared his throat and averted his eyes down at the table. “S’okay.”

The two once again fell silent, the air thick of things unsaid. After an awkward period of silence, Connor spoke up. “How’s Zoe?”

Evan looked up to meet Connor’s eyes. “You’re her brother.”

“I know.” Connor crossed his arms and frowned. “I know I’m a shitty brother but I can’t do anything to fix it. And I can’t talk to her. So please,” Connor pleaded, “how is she?”

“She, um, she’s good. She’s happy and she has good grades and a solo in jazz band. And- and recently, she found a new shade of lipstick that really compliments her skin tone and she dyed her hair, um, like the thing where only the under parts of her hair are dyed indigo and it looks really nice.” Evan ranted fondly. “She… she’s good.”

“Here’s the deal.” Connor said, stirring his water aimlessly with the flimsy plastic straw. “You’ve gotten closer to her in a week then I have in years. What I want to know is how.”

Evan sighed. “She misses you. If you, um, if you talk to her, just have a conversation, maybe that’ll help.”

Connor smiled softly. “Yeah. Maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! I don’t have anything to say. 
> 
> [sub, comment, and give kudos I need validation]


	3. what’s the point in saying you love me like a friend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has a plan.

November 4th was a day Evan would never forget. 

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, sunny and warm and just the right temperature; but that wasn’t what made the day so special. Evan had a plan. Today, he would tell Zoe he liked her. The Shakespeare project was over and done, so if Zoe hated him forever she wouldn’t have to be stuck in a group project with him. He had planned it for weeks. He had even talked to Dr. Sherman about it, something he never would’ve considered previously. He would walk to the Murphy’s house bearing vegan cookies, take Zoe to the park and tell her his feelings there. It was a solid plan.

Evan’s walk to the Murphy house took considerably shorter than usual, as his feet were moving almost as fast as his heartbeat. There was a smell of smoke and muffled music coming from the backyard. The door was opened by Cynthia, who smiled to mask her confusion.

“Evan! So nice to see you. Is Zoe expecting you?” She took the plate of cookies out of Evan’s hands and ushered him into the foyer. 

“Uh- no. I just, uh, came.” Evan bit his lip. “I-I hope that’s alright.”

“Oh, that’s more than alright!” Cynthia said with a smile. “Larry cut down one of the pine trees in the yard and the kids are helping burn the dead wood. I’m sure they would love it if you went out and helped them.”

Evan nodded. “I-I’d love to.”

“Well, we have water in the kitchen if you get thirsty from the work. You can go right through that sliding glass door over there. Have fun!” She called out one last thing as Evan pulled open the door. “If you see Connor, make sure to tell him to wear eye protection!” Evan gave her a thumbs-up and shut the door carefully behind him, making sure none of the air conditioning would escape. He would hate for the Murphys to have to pay extra because he left the door cracked. 

The Murphy’s large, picturesque backyard was almost entirely taken up by an enormous pile of branches and sticks. Larry Murphy stood by a stone firepit, stoking a large and smoky fire. Connor stood over Zoe’s shoulder, seemingly teaching her to chop logs with a small camping hatchet. 

“No, you’re bringing it straight up and down. You want to make angled cuts. Yeah, just like that.” Evan could see the hatched go above Zoe’s shoulder and come down again with a loud ‘thwack’, making her messy topknot bounce with each hit. “This is a thin enough log that you could probably get it in one swing. Way up high, bring it down hard. Motherfucker, Zo, you’ve got to use more force than that. Bring it down hard. Now you’ve got it!”

Larry looked up at Evan who was standing on the porch, watching the whole scene unfold. “Evan! Have you come to help?”

Evan nodded.

“Great! There are work gloves on that chair. Just break the thinner sticks over your knee and toss ‘em in the fire.” Larry looked back at the firepit. “Try not to get chopped by the axe murderers over there.”

Zoe tossed a cut log onto the pile and looked up at Evan, a large grin breaking out on her face. “Evan!” She ran up onto the porch and wrapped Evan in a warm embrace that smelled like wood smoke. She was wearing overalls that Evan weren’t sure if they were distressed intentionally or had some mishaps with the hatchet. “C’mon, help us with the sticks.”

Evan followed her out into the yard and began breaking the sticks, trying to think over his plan. Was this wood burning excursion going to cost him his foolproof way of admitting his feelings? 

Larry had changed the small radio sitting on the porch to some sort of classic rock station and Connor was loudly singing along to Highway to Hell. Evan stopped his work for a second to watch him dance around the yard, grinding against the air like a stripper whose rent was due the next day. Zoe put down the hatchet and started dancing alongside him, doing messy pelvic thrusts and attempting to twerk. Evan looked back down at the woodpile. Zoe came up to him and grabbed his hand, leading him into the dance. Evan ended up just bopping along to the music, watching in awe and fascination as Zoe and Connor moved and twisted their bodies in ways he had never thought possible. (Evan had always thought body rolls were a thing only girls did; apparently this was untrue.) Out of the corner of his eye Evan saw Larry glance up at the siblings, smile, and look down to the fire. 

After a while of dancing and manual labor, Zoe finally broke the spell of the afternoon.

“Daddy,” she said sweetly, sauntering up to her father, “could Evan and I go hang out in my room? I have a new song I want him to hear.”

Larry looked at the significantly smaller pile of wood and shrugged. “I can’t see why not. Connor, you can stay out here and help me with this. Just us men, eh?”

A knowing look flashed over Connor’s face and he grimaced and nodded at his father, sticking out his tongue at Zoe’s retreating back. Evan followed Zoe up to her room, where Zoe closed the door behind her, dimming the overhead lights so that the only light source were the fairy lights hanging from the ceiling. It was fairly romantic. Perfect. “I love these lights,” she said fondly, gazing up into the constellations of lights. “It’s so comforting.”

“S-so what was the song you wanted to play?” Evan asked, sitting down on the edge of Zoe’s bed.

Zoe flopped down next to Evan, giving him a playful grin. “I don’t actually have one. I just wanted to get out of there. God, I swear I’m going to be breathing smoke forever.”

Zoe laughed and Evan simply nodded. Trying to change the subject, “I didn’t know Connor liked to dance.”

“Are you kidding?” Zoe laughed, sitting up. “He did tap and ballet up until seventh grade. He was in a junior production of Newsies when he was little. He didn’t even quit dance on his own terms. Larry told him he needed to stop because it was too gay or whatever, but Connor still goes down to the basement when our parents aren’t home to dance because we have an old marley down there. He fucking loves to dance, Ev.”

“Oh.” Evan bit his lip. “I guess I don’t know him that well.”

“Yeah. I know what that's like.” Zoe said, a little melancholy. She turned to Evan accusingly. “What did you do to him?”

Evan blanched. “W-what?”

“He’s been… different lately. Happier.” Zoe smiled sadly. “You saw him today. Laughing, joking. Helping me out. He hasn’t acted like that in ages.”

“O-oh.”

Zoe leaned forward so that their faces were barely inches from each other. He could feel her breath against his lips, and his heartbeat began to increase steadily. He didn't know why she was so close. “Thank you for giving me my brother back, Evan.”

And Evan wanted nothing more than to kiss her.

And then she kissed him.

Zoe was kissing him and Evan felt like he was going to pull a wicked witch and melt right then and there. 

Outside, in the backyard, the music switched to the booming guitar of Cherry Pie; Zoe brought her hands up to cup Evan’s face and kissed him harder and Evan felt the world melt away.

~

Evan left the Murphy’s house with an indescribable feeling and a date planned for the next night. 

Evan had never really categorized himself as someone to spend an extended period of time making out with someone, but here he was. (Was “making out” a thing people said anymore? It didn’t really matter.)

Connor caught him walking out of the house and cornered him by the fence so that, through the heinous power of societal convention, he was trapped in the conversation.

“So, Hansen,” he said casually, leaning up against the fence suavely, not even bothering to disguise the murder in his eyes. “Hope you weren’t up there fucking my sister.”

Evan blanched. “W-what? No!”

“Well, you sure as hell weren’t playing guitar. Swear to god, if you messed with Zoe, my face will be the last you ever see.”

“N-no! I- we didn’t…” Evan flushed red. “We, um, kissed a little, but that-that’s all. Promise.”

Connor crossed his arms. “So, are you two… dating, or something?”

“Uh- I don’t know?” Evan stammered. “W-we have a date tomorrow night.”

A look crossed Connor’s face: melancholy and forlorn and bittersweet all at the same time. “Well, good for you. Good for her. Have a great fucking time.” Connor jabbed his finger at Evan’s chest. “Remember what I said before. You fuck with Zoe, you die.”

Evan stood frozen by the fence as Connor walked back into the house. The happy, buzzing feeling was completely gone, replaced by the cold fear that something was terribly, undeniably wrong. 

He just wished he knew what.

Evan shook off his paranoia and started his walk home. The house was empty when he got home, giving Evan ample opportunity to tumble right into bed and lie there for an hour running the events of the day over and over in his head like a movie.

Zoe kissing him. Evan kissing back. The flakes of ash in Zoe’s hair and the smell of wood smoke that hung thick in the air around them. The way they kissed like there was no tomorrow with booming classic rock playing from the backyard.

After an hour, Evan realized he wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon and called Jared. 

“Hey, tree fucker!” Jared answered after one ring. “How’s it hanging, brochacho?”

“G-good.” Evan bit his lip and thought for a second before blurting, “Zoe kissed me!”

There was a slight pause. “Zoe did WHAT?” Jared screeched, making Evan’s ears ring. “Please tell me you at least kissed back. This isn’t another kiss-and-run situation like Susan in sixth grade, is it?”

“Nonono not like that! We-we kissed… um, a lot.” 

“Hot damn, dude. I didn’t know you had it in you.” Jared lowered his voice to a gossipy hushed whisper. “Is Zoe secretly a kinky bitch? Because if so, I called it.”

“No!” Evan was glad Jared couldn’t see his face flush through the phone. “She’s… nice.”

“I’m just sayin’, if you want really hot sex go with Connor.” 

Something in Evan’s gut twisted. “Yeah.”

Jared giggled. “Oh my god, this is gold. Are you dating now? Are you going to tell your mom? Fuck, dude, are you going to tell Connor?”

“I don’t know,” Evan said softly. “We have a date tomorrow and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well lucky for you, I happen to know that the GSA is hosting a charity jazz dance tomorrow night to raise money for the gender-neutral bathroom we want to put in.” Evan could almost see Jared’s wicked grin through the phone. “And lucky for you, my spot as second chair trumpet can get you in for free.”

“B-but if jazz band is playing, wouldn’t, um, wouldn’t Zoe have to play?” Evan started to chew on his nails, realized what he was doing, and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Nah, dude. We formed our own band purely for the event. It’d be perfect! Zoe gets to see how much you love jazz and gay rights and falls in love with you right on the spot.” 

Evan smiled. “Yeah. Thanks, Jared.”

“Anytime, Hansen.”

“Wait, Jared?” Evan blurted out before Jared could hang up the phone.

“Yeah?”

“C-Can you give me a ride?” 

Jared laughed. “Oh my god. I never thought I’d be the chauffeur for Evan fucking Hansen’s date, but here we are. Of course I can, buddy. It’ll probably be super awkward, but you’ll get there.”

“Thank you.”

“No problemo, brosky. Now I’ve got to go, I have a calc test tomorrow.” 

Jared hung up before Evan could even say goodbye. Evan curled back up under his covers. A dance. A dance with jazz music. What are you supposed to wear to something like that? Who was the most fashionable person he knew? Probably Zoe. 

Swallowing his pride, Evan opened his phone and sent a text to Zoe.

To: Zoe <3  
Hypothetically, what would one wear to a dance? With jazz music?

From: Zoe <3  
For a girl or a boy?

To: Zoe <3  
Both, ideally.

From: Zoe <3  
For both I’d wear comfortable but fashionable shoes like converse. For a girl, a comfortable dress with movement to it. For a boy, nice jeans and a comfortable dress shirt maybe? Why?

To: Zoe <3  
Nothing! Just wear that tomorrow night for our date.

From: Zoe <3  
Ooookay. Can’t wait!

Instead of poring over an intellectual yet down-to-earth response, Evan opted to send a string of smiley faces and got to work tearing apart his closet for “nice jeans and a comfortable dress shirt”. Also converse. 

He didn’t realize how much time had passed until the front door slammed below him and his mother yelled out, “Evan! I’m home!”

Evan could hear the steps creak as Heidi climbed slowly up the stairs. “Evan? Honey? What are you doing?”

Evan looked over at his mother, dressed in scrubs with a shoulder bag slung over her arm and deep, purple bags under her eyes. “Hey, mom.”

Heidi walked carefully through the messy room and put a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “What are you doing, sweetie?”

“Looking for clothes.”

Heidi snorted softly. “For what?”

“F-for, um, for a date.” 

“You have a date? Oh Evan, that’s wonderful!” Heidi pulled Evan into a hug. “Who are you going on a date with?”

“A girl from, um, from school.” Evan squirmed out of the hug with a blush on his face. “Zoe Murphy.”

“Shakespeare project Zoe Murphy?” Heidi grinned. “That’s amazing! I only saw her in that video you took of the scene and she looked like a nice girl. Oh, and a wonderful actor.”

Evan smiled. “She’s, um, she’s very nice.”

“Oh, I’m so happy for you, honey.” Heidi put her hands on Evan’s shoulders and held him at arm’s length. “So. Clothes. Where are you going?”

“Uh, the GSA’s putting on a dance that, um, plays jazz music?” Evan bit his lip. “I tried to ask Zoe subtly and I think she’s going to, um, be wearing a dress. Or she was being hypothetical because, um, I did ask in a hypothetical sense.”

“A dance.” Heidi thought for a second. “How about that red polo Nana got you last year?”

“I-I don’t think red’s really my color.”

Heidi snorted. “You want this girl to like you? Wear the red polo. Trust me.”

Evan picked up the shirt from it's spot on the floor and tossed it onto his bed. “What about pants?”

“Jeans.” Heidi patted Evan on the shoulder. “Find your old sneakers and wear those, too. I’ve got to run to class, but I’m glad I was able to help you with this.”

Evan smiled. “Thanks, mom.”

“Anytime you want to talk to me about dating or crushes or school, I’m here.” Heidi pulled Evan into one last hug. “Never forget that.”

Evan, for the first time in a long time, melted into the embrace. “I won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey please leave comments and kudos i need validation ;)


	4. what’s the point in saying it’s never gonna end?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe go on a date. Yay.

Evan wanted to sleep in on Sunday, he really did. 

There was just that sort of important matter of the fact that for the first time in his life, EVAN HANSEN HAD A DATE.

He woke up at about 7:30, his head still buzzing from his dream. Him… and Zoe. Kissing. Whispering secrets. Cool wind blowing in his hair and the warm heat of candles. It was light and dark at the same time. Zoe was gentle, yet commanding. His head was reeling. Evan was sure his 10th grade psych professor would’ve had a field day with that dream. What did the contrasting double meanings symbolize? Was Evan living a lie or something? Oh god, he was living a lie.

Evan tried to refocus on the dream. Were they lying down in bed, or were they sitting on the bed? Had the kissing been heated or slow? His thoughts were muddled and confusing. The word ‘LIES’ ricocheted around his skull. 

Evan wrapped his arms around himself and burrowed underneath the covers. In his bed, there was nothing to worry about. He would go to the dance with Zoe and have a good time in his carefully chosen outfit. Nobody was going to die or get sick or be sad. It would be a great night, no matter what. Evan repeated that like a mantra. No matter what. 

Heidi knocked on the door, and Evan murmured something unintelligible in response. 

The door opened, and Evan’s mother came in and sat down at the edge of the bed. “Good morning, sweetie. I have to go to work in a little bit, but since you’re up, how about we go to Lino’s and grab waffles? Just like old times!” 

Evan rubbed at his eyes with his palms. “Sounds great.”

Heidi smiled. “Yay! I’ll leave you to get ready.” She stood up and hovered by the doorway. “Oh, this’ll be great.”

Evan shooed her out of his room and tossed off the covers, yawning widely. Evan stumbled to the bathroom and turned on the shower, climbing in and just standing in the spray, letting the hot water wash over him. 

He stood in the shower with his eyes closed, trying to keep his mind clear. At least if that annoying pop song he had heard on the radio the other day was stuck in head that meant he couldn’t think about anything else. There was a soft knock on the door. 

“Evan? Could you try to wrap it up, please?” His mother’s voice came through the door. “I want to have plenty of time to eat before work.”

Evan grabbed for the shampoo and dropped it in the process, wincing at the clatter it made when it hit the floor of the shower. “Yeah. Sorry.”

Evan hastily washed his hair and tried to get as clean as he possibly could. After all, Zoe would never like him if he was smelly and gross at their date. Even if he was probably going to sweat a lot over the course of the night. He was going to need a lot of deodorant.

Evan climbed out of the shower, wrapped himself in a threadbare towel, and ran to his room to get dressed. Assuming he would change for the date, Evan threw on a pair of jeans and a blue polo. He rubbed at his hair with the towel, dropped it on the floor, threw on his shoes, and ran downstairs to meet his mother in the kitchen.

Heidi was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt with her wet hair pulled up into a messy ponytail. “There he is! Ready to go?”

Evan nodded. 

Heidi grabbed her wallet and keys and pretty much skipped out to the car. “Oh, I’m so glad I get to do this with you.” She said once they had pulled out of the driveway. “You know, I feel like I haven’t seen you at all since school started. And then you started hanging out with that Zoe girl, and it felt like you never came home.”

Evan bit his lip and looked down at his hands. “Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s fine, sweetie.” Heidi shot him an encouraging smile at a red light. “We’ll get to talk all about your date at the diner.”

Evan blushed. “Mom,” he whined, drawing out the word.

“It’s your first date, Evan. I want to know everything about this girl.” Heidi grinned out at the road. “Make sure she’s fit for my little guy.”

Evan turned even redder. 

“I’m kidding!” Heidi chuckled softly and pulled into the parking lot of Lino’s, a small train station turned diner on the outskirts of town. When Evan was little and his dad was still around, he and his mother would go have waffles on Sundays while his dad went to work early. His mom would always time it perfectly so they would be able to watch the trains pass by the large window looking out onto the tracks. After his dad left, his mom had to pick up extra shifts and they didn’t make it as often. Eventually, the diner faded into the back of their memories. Evan couldn’t remember the last time they had been.

Heidi stepped out of the car and smiled up at the yellow building, waiting for Evan to come to her side before walking into the restaurant. 

They chose a booth in the corner. Heidi picked up her menu, scanning the items. “They changed some things around. But… it looks like the classic Belgian waffles and the toasted blueberry muffins are still here. So you’ll be all set, Evan.”

Evan watched the cars drive by through the window. “Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?” Heidi asked, her voice dripping with concern.

“I’m just… nervous.” 

“About that date?” 

Evan frowned. “I-I was talking about my biology test, but yeah. I, um, yeah.”

“What are you worried about?” Heidi folded her hands and tilted her head inquisitively. 

“What- what if she doesn’t like me? And- and what if I’m sweaty and gross and she never wants to be near me again and when she kissed me yesterday she didn’t really mean it and- I”

“Hold it right there, bucko.” Heidi grabbed Evan’s hand from across the table. “I don’t think she would’ve kissed you, which we’ll talk about later, or agreed to go on a date with you if she didn’t like you.”

“I-I guess.”

“And I bet you’re not as bad of a dancer as you think.” 

Evan smiled out the window as his mother ordered their food. He tuned out the waitress’ small talk and just watched the cars go by, his stomach turning in anticipation of the night to come. It would be fine, he assured himself. Zoe knows him well. She likes him for who he is. 

Heidi knocked on the table, bringing Evan back to the moment. “So when did Zoe kiss you?”

 

~

 

Evan got picked up by Jared at 6:00. Evan had taken another shower, dressed in his mother’s approved date outfit and brushed his teeth not once but twice. 

Jared gave him a once-over as he climbed into the car. “I’d smash.”

Evan flushed. “Jared!”

“What? I’m trying to say you look good, man. Red’s definitely your color.” Jared shrugged and pulled out of the driveway. “Tell Heidi she did a good job.”

“Nice… c-concert black.” 

Jared rolled his eyes. “Thanks. Recognize this black button-down? Yeah, I wore it for Nana’s funeral three years ago. I can’t even remember the last time I wore all black on my own conviction.”

Evan hummed absentmindedly. 

Jared turned on the radio to some random station, which ended up being a country station. He just shrugged and kept driving.

They pulled up to the Murphy’s house to be greeted by Zoe sitting in a swing on the oak tree in the front yard and Connor sitting with his knees curled up to his chest on the roof of the garage smoking a cigarette. When Zoe saw the car she jumped off of the swing, waved quickly to Connor, and jogged to the car. She had a short red dress with a skirt that swung and twirled as she moved. Her hair was pulled up in two small buns at the sides of her head, pieces of deep indigo peeking through at the nape of her neck. 

“Hey, Evan! And Jared. Nice car.” Zoe slid into the backseat next to Evan. “Ooh, is this The Band Perry? I love this song.”

Evan watched in fascination as Zoe sang along with the radio about being cheated on lied to and tried not to focus on how she closed her eyes and wrinkled her nose when she sang high notes, or how she bopped back and forth and kicked her right foot out to the beat of the song, or how she mimed playing the guitar chords that went along with the song. 

The song switched to some repetitive guitar riff and Zoe sat back in her seat with a satisfied grin on her face. “Miranda Lambert. Connor used to play her stuff constantly.”

“Connor listens to country music?” Evan blurted, then averted his eyes. “That-that’s none of my business. Sorry.”

“He fucking loves country music. Miranda Lambert, Carrie Underwood, Maddie & Tae. The whole nine yards.” Zoe smiled fondly. “This was his favorite song. Kerosene.” Zoe shook her head, her lips curled into a nostalgic grin. “He made me learn the guitar part. Then we stopped talking…” Zoe frowned. “This is a happy night. I’m gonna try to not talk about Connor.”

Evan nodded. “Cool.”

Jared pulled into the school parking lot and parked over by the cafetorium entrance. “You lovebirds head on in, I need to get my trumpet from the band room.”

Evan smiled and climbed out of the car. Zoe followed and together they walked into the cafetorium. The ragtag jazz band lounged onstage as students milled about on the floor. Zoe walked up to the stage with a grin at the musicians.

“Mini-Murph!” A saxophone player called out. “The guitar legend. How’s it going?”

“Not bad, Mahoney.” Zoe leaned up against the side of the stage. “Evan, this is Bridget Mahoney. She’s in jazz band with me. Mahoney, this is Evan. My date.”

The saxophone player, Mahoney, leaned forward and squinted at Evan. “Tree boy!” She said jovially. “You worked at the park this summer, right? I was one of the counselors from Camp Runels that came through. Remember us? Bright blue t-shirts, a bunch of little girls?”

Evan had absolutely no recollection of any campers coming in through the park. “S-sure.”

“Dope.” Mahoney had a lopsided grin that made her look mischievous. “Well, as soon as Kleinman comes around, we’ll be all set to play.” As she finished her sentence, Jared came through the cafetorium doors, adjusting his trumpet mouthpiece. “Speak of the devil. Okay. Let’s get tuned and play some sick beats!”

Zoe grabbed Evan’s wrist and dragged him out to the center of the impromptu dance floor. The jazz band tuned and started playing some upbeat song. Zoe started to dance, some sort of line dance type thing with lots of kicks and twists. Evan awkwardly moved to the music and watched her dance. Zoe saw him and grinned, putting a hand on his shoulder and a hand on his waist, leading him in whatever dance she was doing. Evan slowly got the hang of the dance pattern. Step right, step right, kick, kick, bring foot up behind leg, repeat. 

Zoe grinned. “Connor taught me this dance. It works for any song in 4/4.” Her smile fell. “Shit. I forgot I wasn’t talking about Connor.”

Evan shrugged. “It’s fine.”

Zoe turned both of them 90 degrees and started the pattern again. They danced in silence, focusing on the evenness of the kicks and when to pivot. 

Evan looked around the room. The GSA had decked out the cafetorium in rainbow banners and multitudes of pride flags and were urging people to take pictures in front of their respective flag. 

The song ended and Zoe let go of Evan, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “You’re a good dancer, Evan.” She said, fanning herself with her hand. Evan suddenly realized how hot it was. “Jesus christ, it’s hot. Come with me to get some water.”

Evan followed Zoe through the crowd and out into the school’s hallway, where the GSA had set up a snack table. Zoe handed her money to the girl standing at the table (Evan was pretty sure her name was Alana) and grabbed two water bottles, handing one to Evan with a grin. 

“I could’ve paid for mine.” Evan mumbled.

“It’s cool. I had money and I like supporting the GSA.” Zoe took a sip of her water. “The band is pretty good, huh?”

“Not, um, not as the jazz band!” Evan blurted. “You’re r-really amazing.”

Zoe smiled and drank her water in silence. They stood out in the hallway, listening to the music stream out of the cafetorium doors. Evan could see her leg bounce nervously in time with his.

“Let’s go dance some more!” Zoe said quickly, breaking the silence. Glad for the distraction, Evan followed her back into the throng of dancing students. Almost immediately, the upbeat music and the bright lights and the wave of movement swept Evan away to a different world in which no one was looking at him and people weren’t silently judging his every move.

Finally he understood why people went to parties.

Zoe and Evan danced freely, joking and chatting without a care in the world. Zoe taught Evan how to body roll, a skill Evan was ninety-nine percent sure he was never going to use again.

“So he was onstage, digging in his backpack for this fucking bottle for a good twenty seconds. It was amazing. I wish you could’ve seen it.” Zoe and Evan were sitting on the concrete steps outside of the cafetorium, enjoying the cool night air. It was a clear and beautiful twilight. The jazz band played on, soft music bleeding out into the night. Somebody was grilling and the air smelled like wood smoke. “And everyone was just sort of staring at him. Eventually, he found it and the scene continued like normal, but it was really fucking awkward for a while.”

Evan laughed. “I-I once saw a performance of the Wizard of Oz and they used, um, a real dog for Toto and there was this loud bang outside and Toto went running out into the audience.”

Zoe snorted. “Well, that was a mistake.”

“That was pretty clear around the tenth minute had passed of them trying to catch the dog.”

“I guess they had to learn somehow.” Zoe leaned her shoulder against Evan’s. “Hey, Evan?”

Evan turned to look at Zoe. “Y-yeah?”

“Thank you.” Zoe smiled and moved closer to Evan so that their faces were barely inches apart. “I had fun.”

And then Evan leaned forward and kissed her. Zoe cupped her hand on Evan’s cheek, stray wisps of her hair tickling his face. Zoe pulled away and grinned. Evan smiled back, his face red. 

The perfection of the night was broken by Zoe’s ringing phone. Zoe frowned and fished her phone out of her bra, rolling her eyes when she saw the caller ID.

“It’s my mom. Mind if I take this?”

Evan nodded. “Go for it.”

Zoe picked up the phone and sighed. “Hey, mom.” A pause. “At the dance with Evan. Yes, still. People don’t just go to dances for half an hour.” Another pause. Zoe looked at Evan and rolled her eyes dramatically. “What? No!” Zoe bit her lip as her mother talked on the other side of the phone. “Fine. I’m by the cafeteria entrance.” Zoe hung up the phone bitterly. “I’m so sorry. My mom’s coming to get me.”

“It’s fine.” Evan looked at his own phone. 9:47. “I guess, um, I guess it is getting pretty late.”

“No, it’s not.” Zoe protested. “But ever since Connor became a lowlife druggie shithead, she thinks having us in the house by ten is going to keep us from doing anything bad. Like, can’t we do drugs and shit before ten?”

Evan, who didn’t really know what to say, just shrugged. 

“I bet your mom doesn’t give you a curfew.” Zoe crossed her arms. “Heidi’s the best.”

“Oh… yeah, um, I guess she doesn’t feel the need to. Because I never, um, leave the house.” Evan looked down at his shoes. “I guess she did get pretty scared when I didn’t come home for dinner the, um, the other night be-because I was with Connor.”

Zoe sat down on the steps next to Evan. “Why are you even friends with him?”

Evan just stared at her, confused. “What?”

“Not to sound like a bitch or anything, but-” Zoe twirled a loose strand of hair between her fingers. “He’s a bad person, Evan. He just chews people up and spits them out and then never gives them the time of day. And if he’s not destroying someone, he’s busy blocking them out and pretending they don’t exist. I speak from experience of the short end of both sticks.”

“He, um, he’s not that bad?” Evan attempted to argue. “I just, um, I think he should get a second chance.”

Cynthia’s grey minivan pulled up next to the gym entrance. Zoe stood up and looked at Evan with a look that was a little sad, a little happy, and a little pained. “He doesn’t deserve another second chance.” Zoe smoothed her skirt and turned to open the passenger side door of the car, her hand lingering on the handle. “Goodnight, Evan. I had fun.”

Evan watched as the car drove away into the night traffic. With shaking hands, he picked up his phone and called his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey  
> Happy late thanksgiving  
> Remember to give kudos and leave comments and all those wonderful things :)


	5. you're too proud to say that you made a mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really like the mysterious benedict society okay

“Hey, Ev!”

Evan had been busy packing up his books and trying to tune out Jared’s rant about Pokemon when Zoe came sauntering up to him.

Evan lifted a hand in a halfhearted greeting. “Hey.”

“So my parents…” Zoe grimaced. “They want you to come over for dinner tonight. Please say you’re busy.”

“Um, no. My mom, uh, she’ll be at work? So it’d just be me and, um, leftover pizza.”

Zoe wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Damn.”

“Do, um, do you not want me to go?” Evan put the last book into his backpack and shut his locker with a satisfying clang.

“It’s not you, it’s my parents.” Zoe put a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “They’re fucking crazy. Trust me, you’d be better off far, far away from them.”

Evan wrung his hands. “Oh.”

“But it would still be great if you came.” Zoe grinned at Evan. “So, uh, please come and don’t hate me because of my shitty parents?”

Evan smiled. “Sure.”

Jared crossed his arms. “Are you going to listen to me explain Eeveelutions or not?”

Zoe linked arms with Evan, Wizard Of Oz style. “You can text him later.”

Evan looked helplessly back at Jared, who looked angry and confused standing alone at Evan’s locker. 

“I told Connor to wait in the car.” Zoe didn’t let go of Evan’s arm, making him feel like he was walking the yellow brick road as she dragged him along behind her. 

When they got to Zoe’s car, Connor was indeed waiting there, lying on his back on the backseat with his feet up in the air, resting on the ceiling of the car. Evan opened the door and awkwardly slid into the passenger seat, fear of launching through the window be damned. Connor didn’t move to sit up or buckle his seat belt. 

“So you convinced him to suffer with us?” Connor asked, lifting a hand in the air as he spoke.

“It’s not going to be that bad,” Zoe protested. “Besides, mom is dying to meet your only friend, Connor. With all you talk about him, and all.”

Connor’s face burned red. “Shut up. Tell him about the Hell 30.”

Zoe sighed. “My mom put us all on this elimination diet called the Whole 30,” Zoe explained. “It’s pretty bad. It’s-”

Connor chimed in from the backseat, the siblings talking in eerie unison. “No sugar, dairy, alcohol, gluten, grains, or legumes.”

“But, um, what do- what do you eat?”

“Shit,” Connor deadpanned.

“Meats and vegetables.” Zoe reached up and swatted one of Connor’s legs. “And fats and nuts and stuff. It’s not really that bad.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Yes, it is.”

“As long as mom doesn’t go full crazy and make something she dragged from the gutter, we should be fine.” Zoe shrugged. “Steak and potatoes is a popular dish in the Murphy house right now.”

Evan nodded and tried to pretend that in his house, steak wasn’t a luxury that they only had on holidays, but a fall-back meal. At least he liked potatoes.

Zoe put on the radio and they rode the rest of the way to the Murphys’ in silence. Zoe pulled up neatly behind the other cars in the driveway and climbed out of the car, banging on Connor’s window with an open palm before he finally sat up and got out of the car. 

“Don’t put your gross boots on my car roof, douchebag.” Zoe said. “Or you’re going to pay for the cleaning with your weed money.”

Connor flipped her off and disappeared into the house, slamming the door behind him.

“C’mon, Ev. Let’s try to avoid my mom on the way in.” Zoe shut the door quietly and ran up the stairs on her tiptoes, shutting her bedroom door behind her. Evan sat down on the bed, looking up at the fairy lights above. 

“So,” Zoe said, collapsing on the bed. “One month. Wow.”

Evan nodded. “If you had told me a month ago I would still be dating you today, I, um, I wouldn’t have believed you.”

Zoe propped her chin up on her hand. “If we keep this up for three more weeks, this’ll be my longest relationship.”

 

“Huh.” 

“Oh!” Zoe sat up with a grin. “I learned how to play the tin whistle. Wanna hear?”

“Uh… sure?”

Zoe picked a small recorder-like tin instrument off of her bedside table. “I’m not the best yet, so you’re not allowed to laugh.”

It really did take a lot of self-control not to laugh. Even Zoe was giggling by the time the song ended. It sounded like a duck playing the recorder. Zoe’s face was red and her hair was loose around her face. Evan kissed Zoe’s cheek softly.

“It, um, it wasn’t bad.” 

“Oh, fuck off. I sounded like a strangled manatee, didn’t I.” Zoe elbowed Evan’s side.

“Yeah.” Evan grinned.

Zoe laughed. “It’s an extremely difficult instrument!”

“Third graders play it!” Evan protested. “It can’t be that bad.”

“Oh, my god.” Zoe pretended to be hurt. “Betrayed by my own boyfriend.”

Evan snorted. 

“This might sound boring,” Zoe said, “but I have a history test tomorrow. Can you help me study? It’s just the Bill of Rights.”

“Oh, um- sure.” Zoe smiled and pulled out her books.

“Well then, let’s get cracking.”

 

~

 

Dinner, as it turned out, was not steak. Instead, it was something called “zucchini pasta” and “riced cauliflower”.

Connor and Zoe both pushed their food around on their plates, sharing exasperated glances across the table. Evan, terrified of disappointing the Murphys, ended up eating three servings of the strange noodles. 

“I feel like I’m in the Lion King,” Zoe quipped, taking a bite of the pasta and making a face.

“What do you mean, honey?” Cynthia asked, taking another heaping serving of the cauliflower.

Connor and Zoe shared a look. “Slimy yet satisfying,” they chimed in unison. Zoe giggled into her plate. Even Connor’s lips twitched into what could be a smile. 

Connor poked at his food. “Maybe nix the ‘satisfying’ part.”

Evan snorted. 

“So, Evan, how’s it going? Zoe and Connor have told us plenty about you.” Cynthia smiled. “Besides, we’ve only really talked to you in passing.”

“Oh, um, I, um, I’m good. Yeah. Good.” 

Larry coughed. “Why are you friends with Connor?”

Evan, who had taken a sip of water, nearly choked. “I, um, I- I’m, um, he- he’s, um, nice?”

“Really.” Larry glared at Connor. “What do you two do together? I hope he hasn’t pressured you into anything you didn’t want to do.”

“You think I fucking made him do drugs?”

“I wouldn’t put it beyond you!” Larry said angrily. The table fell silent.

“Hecomestomyworksometimes!” Evan blurted. “I, um, he, uh, he comes to-”

“Evan works at the community farm,” Connor butted in. Evan tried to shoot him a thankful look. “I help him out sometimes. Washing vegetables and weeding beds and so on.”

“Let him speak, Connor.” Cynthia reprimanded.

Evan could feel his face grow hot. “No, I, um, I appreciate it. I, um, thanks. Thanks, Connor.”

Connor bumped his foot against Evan’s under the table.

“So, Zoe, how’s jazz band going?” Larry asked.

Zoe twirled a string of pasta around on her fork. “Fine.”

Cynthia smiled. “So, kids, what drew you to Evan initially?”

Zoe coughed. “Jesus christ, mom, this isn’t a sales pitch!”

Evan tried to shrink down in his seat. Maybe if he just disappeared, nobody would notice. That would certainly be better than being stuck in another hypothetical Murphy family dinner.

“Because he’s fucking adorable, why else?” Connor snorted. “Evan, tell them what your favorite tree is.” Connor propped his chin on his palm and watched Evan with a satisfied smirk.

“Uh, the- the yew?” 

Connor made a ‘there you go’ gesture. “Told you. Absolutely fucking adorable.”

Evan felt like his face was on fire as he stared down at his food, which really wasn’t appetizing at all.

“I hardly think that’s appropriate, Connor.” Larry said firmly. 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Oh, fuck off.” 

Zoe looked both amused and angry as she sat in silence, gnawing on her lower lip. “Did you hear that Mrs. Salinas got fired?” She cut in, trying to diffuse the tension.

Cynthia leaned forward. “No! What happened?”

“Nobody knows for sure, but people are saying she got into a fistfight with another teacher.” Zoe shrugged. “We’ll probably have a sub for a while.”

“Better hope you don’t get Ms. Carp,” Connor advised, pointing at her with his fork. “She’s the worst. But if you do have her, ask her to do a split. She used to be a gymnast. You know, before she got old and shitty.” 

“Language, Connor.” Cynthia said weakly.

Connor stabbed at his pasta with his fork. His long legs barely fit under the table, meaning that Evan’s feet were constantly at war with his for dominion of space before Evan caved and tucked his feet beneath his chair. 

“So, son, what do your parents do?” Larry asked Evan, who had just shoved an awkwardly large bite of gross pasta in his mouth.

“Oh, uh, my mom is- is, um, she’s a nurse and she’s studying to be a- a paralegal.” Evan answered after an uncomfortable amount of time spent chewing frantically before he could speak.

“And your father?”

“Oh. He- he’s not, um, he left when I was young.” 

“That’s a shame. What are you thinking of looking into for college?” Larry said. Evan couldn’t help but feel like his questions were more demands than anything. 

“Uh, en-environmental science, I think? I’ll, um, probably end up going to- to community college.” Evan picked at his food. He felt out of place, picking at expensive diet food with two siblings who’ll probably go to Ivy League colleges purely out of financial credibility.

“Environmental science, huh?” Larry raised an eyebrow. “Not many jobs in that field.”

“I, uh, I was a junior park ranger this summer. I, um, I’m sort of a tree expert now, not to, um, not to brag or anything.” Evan trailed off and stared down at his plate. “I’d probably do, um, something like that.”

The table fell silent. Evan kept his eyes trained on the watercolor of four-leaf clovers over Connor’s shoulder. 

Evan could feel both Zoe and Connor’s eyes on him. He knew, he just knew, that both of the Murphy siblings were watching him with those eyes, wide and bright with novels worth of things to say.

He wanted to throw up.

Cynthia put her fork down and neatly folded her napkin on the table. “Well, I don’t think we’re doing much more eating. Evan, if you want to stay later, we’re perfectly happy for you to stay.”

“I, um…” Evan picked at the hem of his napkin. 

“You can stay, Ev.” Zoe grinned at him. “We can watch a movie!” 

Connor put up a hand. “Little Shop Of Horrors.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Fine, but only because I think Rick Moranis is cute.”

“Agreed. Hansen, you down?” Connor gave Evan an expectant smile.

“O-Okay.”

Zoe clapped her hands. “Yay! Movie night with shithead and the boyfriend!”

Cynthia slapped Zoe’s arm. “Language!”

Connor stood up and picked up his plate. “I’ll deal with the TV.”

Evan picked up his plate and trailed after Connor, who deposited his dirty plate into the sink. Evan followed and joined Connor in what he assumed was the den or the like. Connor fell onto the couch and flicked on the TV.

“You don’t actually have to stay over; you know that, right?” Connor said without taking his eyes off of the screen.

“No, I-I want to.” Evan sat down at the other end of the couch, as far from Connor as he could. “I like musicals.”

“Yeah. Well, I’m only doing this for my parents. Hanging out with Zoe and you at the same time counts for serious brownie points, and I’m gonna need that if I’m going to get my car back.” Connor glanced over at Evan. “No offense.”

Zoe came skipping into the room with a bowl of popcorn before stopping and frowning at the couch situation. “No, no, no. Evan, scoot over. I’m not sitting next to Connor.” 

Evan moved over until he sat awkwardly between the two siblings. Instead of deciding whether or not he should sit closer to his girlfriend or friend, he just sat exactly in the middle of the couch, trying to take up as little space possible. Connor had drawn his knees up to his chest in that pose Evan knew too well.

The movie started, leading to a sing-along on Zoe’s side of the couch and a barrage of popcorn that didn’t quite reach Zoe’s head raining down on Evan. 

Evan, who had seen the movie before- though he didn’t know where- found himself drifting off into sleep. Evan could feel someone push his head away from them and then he was leaning on someone else, the movie a soft buzz in the back of his head. 

When Evan woke up, the credits were rolling. Evan’s face hurt from using someone’s bony shoulder as a pillow. A thin arm was draped over his shoulders, the skeletal fingers just grazing his skin. 

Connor.

Evan sat up, trying to wrestle himself as far away from Connor as possible but only succeeding at falling off the couch. Connor’s eyes flickered open as Zoe laughed. 

“Jesus christ, Hansen. Nightmare or something?” Connor rubbed at his eyes. 

“No-no, I, um… yeah.” Evan pulled himself back up on the couch. 

Zoe sat cross-legged at the end of the couch, her hand in front of her mouth to hide her giggles. She selected something on her phone and held it in front of Evan’s face. It was a picture of Evan and Connor asleep; Evan’s head was propped on Connor’s shoulder, his hand resting on Connor’s thigh. Evan tried to blink away the thought of how… domestic it looked. They looked so peaceful, curled up on the couch as Evan’s girlfriend looked on. 

Zoe took her phone back, her tongue sticking through her teeth as she grinned down at her screen. “Oh, Alana’s gonna love this.”

Connor leaned over Evan’s lap and swatted Zoe’s phone out of her hands. “Zo, you know how Larry gets. That picture does not leave this room.”

Zoe scrunched up her nose like she had smelled something awful, but put her phone down nonetheless. “Fucking Larry,” she lamented.

Connor sat back and ran a hand through his hair. “Fucking Larry.”

Evan picked at the hem of his shirt. “Am-am I missing something?”

Suddenly, both Murphy siblings seemed physically unable to maintain eye contact. “Don’t worry about it,” Zoe said. “It doesn’t concern you.”

Evan nodded. “I-I should, um, I should get going.”

Connor stood up. “Shit, yeah. It’s late as fuck.”

“I can drive you home,” Zoe stood up with her brother. “No biggie.”

“No, I-I can walk.” Evan smiled. “Thanks. I, um, I had fun.”

When Evan left after being ushered out of the door by Cynthia, whose hands were wet from washing dishes, the Murphys seemed like the perfect nuclear family. But as Evan walked past the lit den, he could see Connor and Zoe arguing in front of the TV screen. 

The Murphy family was like a rotting apple, Evan realized. It looks pretty from the outside but, when inspected, has worms and mold and all sorts of badness inside.

Evan was reminded of that book he had loved as a kid, The Mysterious Benedict Society. 

Nature versus nurture.

Poison apples, poison worms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! Please leave comments and give kudos and scruddooble and all that good shit.
> 
> Also, NET NEUTRALITY!!!! Do you like the internet? So do I! So make sure the fcc fuckers don't take that away! Go the deh route and write emails! Or call if you can actually talk on the phone without dying! Do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to save it!!!!!


	6. you're a coward 'till the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An orchard excursion.

Evan was used to being woken up by the sun on weekends, definitely not by someone pounding on his front door.

Really, really loudly.

Evan scrambled out of bed, tripping on the tangled sheets on his way out. In a flash of stupid logic, he grabbed an umbrella leaning against for protection against possible axe murderers. 

When he reached the front door, he was not greeted by an axe murderer. Instead, he was met with the grinning face of Jared Kleinman.

“‘Sup, babe!” He crooned as soon as Evan opened the door. “I’m hungry. We’re going to the Potato King. Your mom left money for pizza last night, right?”

Evan nodded.

“Yeah, grab that.” Jared pushed past Evan into the house and took a seat on the sofa. “C’mon, get dressed. I’m starving!”

Still stunned, Evan made his way upstairs and got dressed quickly, brushing his teeth and giving his hair a fast swipe with a brush. Jared was waiting on the couch, playing some mobile game on his phone. 

“Finally. Let’s go, nerd.” Jared stood up and slung an arm over Evan’s shoulders, tossing his keys. “Daddy needs some fries.”

“Please… please don’t call yourself that.” Evan laughed. 

“C’mon, don’t wimp out on daddy Kleinman!” Jared said, wiggling his eyebrows as the two left the house. 

Evan snorted and climbed into the passenger seat, preparing for a rough drive of ignored red lights and potholes. Jared started the car and peeled out of the driveway, driving in the reckless and idiotic way Evan never got used to. He had ran about four red lights by the time they got to the Potato King, and Evan left the car considerably shaken.

Jared swaggered into the diner like he owned the place, confidently claiming a booth by the window and propping his feet on the table. Evan slid into the seat across from him, pushing his feet away with one finger.

“Who are you, my mom?” Jared laughed. “Do you want a milkshake? Because I really want one.”

Evan shrugged and picked up his fork, twisting it back and forth between his fingers. “I, um, I have a question.”

Jared raised an eyebrow. “I’m gay.”

“No, not, uh, not that. I know.” Evan bit his lip. “Do you, um, do you think there’s something wrong with the Murphy family?”

Jared snorted. “Bitch, please. The Murphys have been fucked up since they came over on the Mayflower.”

“I, uh, Zoe told me they emigrated from Ireland, a-actually.”

“Okay, smartass. All I’m saying is that they’ve been bad news for forever. Back when my mom was in that knitting group, she just trash-talked Cynthia Murphy whenever she got home. Not just bitchy stuff, though.” Jared leaned forward and lowered his voice to a gossipy whisper. “Like, real shit. I heard her husband embezzles money and that’s how they’re so rich. I mean, he’s an accountant and she’s a stay-at-home mom. How much money could they possibly make? Not enough to pay for that fucking mansion, that’s for sure.” Jared sat back, satisfied. “At least, that’s what my mom says.”

“But- but what about Zoe and- and Connor?” Evan stared down at the fork between his fingers. “Do you- do you think the apple, um, the apple-”

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? Think, man!” Jared scoffed. “Zoe has a total of, like, three shirts and drinks organic coffee without any sugar in it like some sort of alien and Connor’s pretty much shoe-in for most likely to be a school shooter! Evan, that family is fucked up. For real.”

Evan couldn’t think of anything to do other than hum noncommittally and slouch in his seat. When the waitress came over, Jared ordered for the both of them, having memorized Evan’s go-to breakfast order by heart years ago. Double stack chocolate chip pancakes for himself; chicken and waffles for Evan with a vanilla milkshake, toppings on the side. And, of course, a large basket of fries.

They ate in silence before Jared spoke up, his mouth full of pancake. 

“So how’s it going with manic pixie dream girl? Is she everything you ever wanted?” Jared took a handful of fries and shoved them in his already full mouth. 

“Zoe’s great,” Evan said. “She, um, she’s really nice and pretty and she- she’s really good at the guitar.” 

“That’s all you can say about her? Jeez.”

“And- and she’s really creative and really fashionable? Like, um, she- she takes things that most people wouldn’t wear, um, like big stained sweatshirts and flannel shirts and- and those really baggy jeans, what are they called?”

Jared looked up from his food. “Mom jeans.”

“Yeah, those. And she- she takes them and makes them, um, makes them look good, somehow.” Evan paused to take a sip of his milkshake. “And she didn’t laugh when I told her that- that we need to save the bees like you did.”

“Ugh. You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you?” 

Evan shook his head and tried to look as innocent as possible.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Fine. Save the bees or whatever.”

“Bees are- are very important pollinators!” Evan said, slightly too loudly. He made eye contact with a confused-looking waitress and quickly looked down at the tabletop in shame. 

“I’ve got to ask.” Jared propped his chin on his hands. “How’s the sex?”

Evan flushed. “Jared! We- we haven’t- I don’t-”

“Oh, come on. I know there’s a sex beast hidden behind those polos and khakis.” Jared poked Evan’s cheek. “So, is she secretly a freak in the sheets? Because I bet she is. You’re one kinky bitch.”

“I- I’m not…” Evan shoved his pride under the table and decided to play along. “If anything, my kink is love and affection.”

Jared scoffed. “Please. I know for a fact you like being tied up.”

A smothered laugh sounded from behind Jared. “Excuse me, what?”

Evan’s head snapped up to meet the smirking face of Connor, who threw his messenger bag down next to Jared and slid into Evan’s booth, taking a fry. 

“What are you doing here?” Evan asked, refusing to meet Connor’s eyes.

Connor shrugged. “You weren’t at work.”

Evan ignored Jared’s desperate and confused glances he kept throwing his way. “I don’t, um, I don’t work on weekends. Also, uh, it’s 9:30 in the morning.”

Connor shrugged again. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re a nine-to-five gal.”

Jared made some sort of snorting, laugh-like noise. “Can you really imagine Evan fucking Hansen plotting to murder his boss?”

Connor squinted at Evan and tapped his chin like he was in deep thought. “Absolutely.”

Evan shook his head with a bashful smile. Connor bumped his knee against Evan’s and grinned. 

Jared crossed his arms and looked back and forth between the two. “Wait, but I thought Evan was fucking the other Murphy.”

Evan nearly choked on a piece of chicken, whereas Connor threw back his head and let out a harsh, quick laugh. “Shit, Hansen. I never even noticed. You’ll have to try harder next time.”

Evan buried his head in his hands as Connor and Jared laughed.

Jared tapped his fingers against the table. “Just don’t let it turn into a Waitress situation. You’re a taken man, Evan!”

Evan stuck his tongue out at Jared. Connor snorted and stole another fry. The table lapsed into silence, leaving Evan to try and eat as much food as he could stomach with Connor’s hand pressed against his. He probably wasn’t going to get dinner, anyway. 

If he moved his hand, just twitched his finger, him and Connor would almost be holding hands.

That was a normal thing to think about, right?

Jared coughed and placed a ten-dollar bill on the table. “I can’t breathe with all this sexual tension. See ya, Evan. Use protection.” Jared smiled and winked, but he couldn’t mask the sadness in his eyes. 

Evan wanted to say something, to tell him he was welcome to stay. That he didn’t have to feel left out. But he knew if he did, Jared would laugh it off and leave anyway. That was the cycle, of Jared putting on masks and Evan trying to peek behind them. But he never got a good look.

“Hey, Evan. What’s wrong?”

Connor’s hands were on his shoulders, his eyebrows knit together in worry. 

Evan looked away. “Nothing.”

Connor bit his lip and looked at Evan for a second more before sighing and pulling a twenty out of his pocket and pressing it onto the tabletop. “Let’s go.”

“Where?” Evan asked in spite of himself. 

“I don’t know. Anywhere.” Connor stood up, taking Evan’s hand and pulling him out of his seat with a glint in his eyes. “Let’s live a little. Hell, I’m gonna die young anyway. Why not try and enjoy it?”

Evan couldn’t help but smile. “Sure. Let’s- let’s go somewhere.”

Connor grinned an endearing, lopsided smile. He dragged Evan out of the restaurant, never letting go of his hand. Jared’s car was already out of the parking lot, Evan realized with a pang.

Connor opened the door of a car Evan didn’t recognize. It was an old car, a bright red convertible. An expensive car.

“Whose, um, whose car is this?” Evan asked nervously. Connor wouldn’t break into somebody’s car, right?

Connor grinned. “Mine.” He ran a hand over the hood. “It’s a ‘68 Mercedes SL. Nice, right?”

“I-I thought your license was suspended.”

“Not anymore.” Connor climbed into the passenger seat and tapped the steering wheel. “C’mon, Hansen. Let’s go while the day’s still young.”

Evan took the passenger seat, marveling at the interior of the car. It had clearly been cleaned recently. However, there was a pack of gum on the dashboard and three unused cigarettes in the cupholders. Evan gripped the sides of the seat in horror as Connor tore out of the parking lot, speeding down the empty country roads.

“Slow down, Connor!” Evan hissed through gritted teeth.

“What, am I going to crash into the lake?” Connor rolled his eyes but slowed down nonetheless. “There’s no one around.”

“You could hit a- a deer or something!”

Connor snorted and took a sharp turn down a nondescript dirt road. Evan’s heart, which had already been beating fast, started pounding rapidly. Was Connor secretly a murderer? Was this one of Evan’s last moments?

He had so many regrets.

“I’m not going to fucking kill you.”

Oh.

“I-I knew that.” Evan loosened his grip on the sides of the seat. “I know.”

“You look like you’ve seen a fucking ghost, Hansen.” Connor grinned in that lopsided way where he stuck the tip of his tongue between his teeth and scrunched up his nose. The wispy flyaway strands of hair framing Connor’s face gleamed like a halo in the sunlight. The sunshine glistened in Connor’s wild eyes, and the trees cast a mottled pattern over his cheeks.

He looked ethereal.

Evan looked away, training his eyes on the trees passing by. The dirt of the forgotten country roads rose in plumes behind the car. Evan had never been a fan of the wind in his hair, but sitting in Connor’s convertible on a Sunday morning driving to god knows where, he had never felt more content.

Connor parked the car on the side of the road next to a large chain link fence and climbed out, doing a small spin with his head tilted to the sky. Evan looked around at the desolate surroundings. There were tall and twisted trees all around, making Evan feel like he was in an evil forest from a fairy tale. Connor smiled nostalgically. 

“The Autumn Smile Apple Orchard. My parents used to take me and Zoe on the weekends.” Connor broke into a jog, heading straight for the fence.

Evan speed-walked over to Connor, trying to keep up with the strides of his long legs. “Didn’t- didn’t it close down years ago?”

“I mean, yeah, but that hardly matters, does it? I like it better.” Connor shot a grin at Evan, leaning against the chain link fence suavely. “You’re as alone as you can get out here.”

“Have you ever been to- to Inspiration Point? There, um, there are a lot of places to be alone.” 

Connor bit his lip like he was weighing the options. “Yeah, but there’s always the off chance of finding some horny teenagers fucking in a car. Nobody comes out here. Ever.”

Suddenly, all of Evan’s fears of Connor being a serial killer came rushing back. That was a really creepy thing to say, right? Evan could feel what he imagined to be the bottom of his chest drop out, leaving him in that free-falling roller coaster feeling he usually associated with panic attacks, but as he looked at Connor’s smile he realized that he didn’t quite dislike it.

Connor slapped his palms against the fence with a rattling ‘clang’, making Evan jump. Connor smirked and looked up. “You’ll be able to climb this, right? Because if not, we can always get ice cream or something.”

Evan looked at the top of the fence. It seemed to be impossibly high up, but Evan got the feeling Connor wouldn’t leave for anything. So he swallowed his fear and choked out a “ye-yeah. I, um, I can.”

So Connor flashed Evan that signature cocky yet endearing grin and started climbing. Evan watched as Connor effortlessly scaled the fence like he had a million times before, which he probably had. Evan took a deep breath for a count of ten and started climbing. 

It was easier than expected, as the chain link allowed for easy foot and handholds. The only problem was the rattling and the shaking and the clanging and the way that Evan really, really wanted to look down but couldn’t. When he got to the top, he sat with one leg on either side like Connor did, trying to catch his breath. 

When Connor reached out and took one of his hands, Evan almost fell off of the fence. 

“Ready for the hard part?”

Evan, terrified of looking wimpy and of the prospect of going back down, just nodded.

“Alright.” Connor ran his thumb over Evan’s knuckles. Evan, for what seemed like the seventieth time that day, felt his chest drop out and his throat tighten, but in that new and different way he still had to get used to. “You can do this. We need to go over to that tree over there- see it? Yeah. And we need to climb onto the big branch sticking out, like, a foot from the fence. Sound good?”

Evan nodded again. Connor swung one leg over the fence so that he stood with his feet in the holes and one hand on the fence, prompting Evan to do the same. Together, without letting go of each other’s hands, they made their way to a large oak tree about ten feet away. Evan put out one foot on the branch and climbed on, clutching Connor’s hand like a lifeline. Connor followed and the two sat on the tree branch, trying to breathe and enjoying the view.

It truly was spectacular. A large, golden field that seemed to stretch on forever with an infinite border of apple trees framing the open space. The sun was steadily climbing toward its designated spot in the sky. Evan felt like he could sit there forever.

“It’s beautiful,” Evan breathed.

Connor looked at Evan. “Yeah.” After a few seconds of awkward staring, Connor seemed to snap back to reality. “We should probably, you know, get down from this tree.”

Evan nodded. “Yep. Totally.”

Connor let go of Evan’s hand and reached out for another branch, slowly climbing from limb to limb. Evan followed, mindlessly making his way down the tree until the two were both safely on the ground. 

Connor let out a quick breath through his teeth. “Wow. I had… forgotten about how high that was.”

Evan laughed nervously. “Good, um, good thing you’re not afraid of heights.”

Connor smiled and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “I am.”

Which, to be fair, was news to Evan. Connor didn’t seem like the type of person to be afraid of anything, much less heights. His combat boots and ripped jeans and angry demeanor seemed to give off an ‘Indiana Jones but not scared of snakes’ vibe. Maybe that was just Evan. So, naturally, he blurted out “Butyouweren’tscared!”

“Evan.” Connor said fondly. “The only I didn’t look scared was because you seemed to need someone there. Same reason why you’ll never see me catching my breath when I run. When I was younger, Zoe would get asthma attacks and she would need someone who wasn’t gasping for air like a fish out of water.” He did small, awkward jazz hands. “I’m a master of masking my emotions.”

“Oh.” Evan wrung his hands. “Thanks?”

Connor smirked and slapped Evan’s back. “No problem.”

Evan coughed and looked down at his feet, watching the tall yellow grass sway in the wind. Connor started walking, wandering aimlessly through the grass. Evan jogged behind him to keep up. “So,” Connor said casually. “What’s one thing about yourself no one knows?”

“I, um, I don’t know. I’m not, uh, not a very interesting person.”

“Bullshit.” Connor stopped walking, making Evan bump into his back. “I’m sure there’s something weird hidden underneath the anxious boy scout persona you have.”

“Um…” Evan tugged at the hem of his shirt. “I, uh, I had neon yellow braces in seventh grade?”

“Oh come on, Hansen. Everyone knows that one.”

Evan knit his eyebrows. “Jared didn’t notice until halfway through the year.”

Connor blushed and looked away. “Whatever. Just pick a new one.”

“I, um, I…” Evan bit his lip. “I can’t think of one.”

“Okay. Different question. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done at Lovell Lake?” 

Lovell Lake was the small lake just off of the center of town, with cozy waterfront cottages lining the edges where the rich people live. Connor lived across the street from the lake. Evan lived just down the road from the shoe store. There was a small island with an abandoned house on it in the very middle of the lake (earning it the eloquent title of ‘Middle Island’) that was the prime spot for reckless teens to go and sell drugs, have parties, and have a lot of sex. Almost everyone had been, whether on a dare (the place was rumored to be haunted) or completely willingly.

“I, um, Jared and I took a canoe out once and tipped it.” 

Connor barked out a laugh. “Are you kidding? I lost my fucking virginity on Middle Island!”

Evan’s face was bright red. “With-with who?”

“Jesus. Jealous much?” Connor snickered and punched Evan’s arm playfully. “If you really must know, it was Erica Steinfeld freshman year. I don’t know if you remember, but I was Danny Zuko in Grease that year, and I think she thought the slick-backed hair was hot.” Connor sighed. “Fuckin’ regret it every day.”

“I remember that!” Evan exclaimed. “I-I was going to be Doody, but, um, but I had a panic attack at the first rehearsal and had to drop out.”

“Oh, yeah.” Connor nodded in recognition. “That sucked. You were really good.”

“Sor-sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” 

Evan swallowed the lump in his throat. “Ye-yeah. Sorry.”

Connor smiled and shook his head, his brown hair swinging in front of his face. “Jesus fucking christ.”

They, somehow, had made it to the end of the field where the grass morphed into lines of apple trees. Connor took off his sweatshirt, laid it on the ground, and sat on one half of it, beckoning for Evan to take the other half. Evan complied, wildly aware of their proximity. 

“I had a pet rat in elementary school,” Connor said completely out of the blue.

Evan looked at him with a confused glance.

“I thought it would be nice to continue the game.” Connor shrugged. “What’s something else I don’t know about you?”

Evan thought for a second. “I used to ride horseback.”

“See, that’s what I’m talking about!” Connor slapped Evan’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “I told you you were interesting. Something about me is… um, I collect empty tins of tea.”

“I, uh, I’ve never gotten strep throat.”

“I have naturally red hair but dye it brown.”

“I can do decent origami.”

“I’m gay.”

It was that announcement that brought Evan back to reality. Back to the warm day and the cool shade of the apple trees and how close he was to Connor Murphy. How their bodies were pressed against each other as they tried in vain to sit on one jacket. All Evan wanted to do was… what? He wanted to run his hands through Connor’s hair and he wanted to move his fingers so they were holding hands. He wanted to run away and never talk to Connor again because what was he doing to him and there was that roller coaster feeling, like he had missed a step on the stairs and he was falling, falling. Connor was looking at him and he was expecting Evan to say something, oh god say something, and hishandswereshakingandhecouldn’tbreatheandwhat’stheonethingabouthimnooneknows?

“Ididn’tfall!”

Connor knit his brows in confusion. “What?”

“When, um, when I broke my arm at the-the end of the summer.” Connor was confused and Evan was terrified of what he was going to blurt out next, but there was no going back now. “I, um. I didn’t fall.”

Connor frowned. “What do you mean?”

Evan could feel his confidence deflate. What was he thinking? He wasn’t going to spill his deepest, darkest secret to a possible murderer in the middle of the woods. And then there was one hand on his shoulder and another on his cheek, and Evan looked up to meet Connor’s eyes.

Not a murderer.

Connor.

He could handle Connor.

Evan could feel Connor’s perfect strength and fearlessness and the terrifying tenacity he channeled in those secondhand army boots flowing through his veins. Evan was going to do this, no matter what happened. 

“I, um, the end of the summer.” Evan couldn’t bring himself to look away from Connor’s eyes. His whole body felt electrified. He could feel Connor’s hand in a firm grip on his shoulder and his calloused fingers against his skin. “I was, um, I was a-a junior park ranger at Ellison Park and, um, and I-I climbed this, this forty-foot tall oak tree and-and I, um, I-I just… let go.”

Connor’s thumb softly wiped away tears Evan hadn’t known were there. “You…”

“I let go, Connor. I was up there and… and I thought the fall would be enough.” Evan let out a sob. “I-I thought it would be enough to-to kill me. I was too low.” 

Connor pulled Evan into a tight hug as he cried. 

“I should… I should’ve climbed higher.”

Connor didn’t say anything back, just whispered “No. No, Evan. You’re perfect. No.” in an even pattern, slowly rocking back and forth as Evan bawled into the hard denim of Connor’s stained jacket. 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity and yet no time at all, Evan’s sobs subsided and he was left sniffling hopelessly as Connor rubbed calming circles in his back. Evan pulled away from the embrace, rubbing at his nose with the back of his wrist (which was probably really gross, but he didn’t care at this point). Evan realized with a guilty pang at the way Connor’s legs were folded beneath him, his knees bent awkwardly in a position that must’ve been extremely painful. 

“Hey. You good?” 

Connor’s strength and durability had been washed out of Evan, leaving him feeling empty and cold. 

Evan thought for a second. “No.”

Connor smiled softly. “Okay.”

Evan hugged his knees to his chest, staring off into the trees. He wanted to say something.

Thank you for being there, he wanted to say.

Thank you for being such a good friend.

I’ve been feeling strange lately, he wanted to casually mention. Whenever I’m around you.

But he knew that whatever he said would come out as a blubbering, stuttery mess. So he kept quiet.

Connor clicked his tongue a couple of times, trying to fill the silence. “I get it.”

“Get- get what?”

“When I… when I got back from the hospital everyone expects you to be better. But you’re not, and no one believes you.” Connor looked at Evan and shrugged. “You don’t have to be okay. Hell, I’m not. That’s for sure.”

“We, um, we match.” Evan smiled.

Connor held out a hand, and Evan took it, sealing the pact. “We can be fuckups together.”

A fire ran through Evan’s veins. Together.

He got the sudden urge to have Connor hold him in his arms again and stay like that forever. Instead, he turned to the forest and watched the leaves move in the wind. “So, what, um, were you saying about your real hair color?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all!! It's me.   
> Message me on tumblr at smolweedboi if you want to scream about musicals w me. Follow my Connor Murphy instagram bc its pretty dope (conrmurphweed)


	7. i don't want to admit, but we're not gonna fit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has some doubts.

“Hey, Jared?”

Jared looked up from his video game and over to where Evan was sprawled out on his bed. “Yeah?”

“Do, um, do you ever feel, like, scared but in a good way?” Evan picked at his cuticles, staring up at the old handmade dreamcatcher hanging from Jared’s ceiling. 

“Uhh… no?” Jared’s character died in the game, making him set down his controller with a sigh. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Evan bit his lip in thought. “Like… when you’re on a rollercoaster and it goes down and it’s scary but fun?”

“I mean, on roller coasters. Like you said. What’s this about?” Jared said, confused.

“No-nothing.”

“If you’re so sure.” Jared propped his chin on his hand. “This isn’t about Zoe, is it?”

“No-no! I, um, I’m already- I already like her.” Evan could see himself digging his own grave, but his mouth didn’t seem to get the idea. “It’s not… it’s not about her. We’re happy. She, um, she’s good.”

“Holy shit,” Jared said slowly, a grin spreading across his face. “You have a crush on somebody else.”

Evan flushed and looked away. “No!”

“Oh, c’mon. Spill, man! Who is it?”

“Nobody.” 

Jared rolled his eyes. “Suuuure.”

Evan watched as the threadbare feathers on the dreamcatcher fluttered along with his breath, thinking hard to the background music of Jared’s overwhelmingly violent video game. Jared usually bugged him about his nonexistent love life during their weekly Monday math tutoring sessions (Jared was really hopeless in math), but this time it was different.

Because something about Jared’s taunts resonated within him.

Evan wasn’t usually one to swear, but holy shit. 

He couldn’t have a crush, could he?

 

~

 

The next day, as Evan silently worked in the library, Zoe confronted him by slamming her biology textbook on the table and sitting across from him.

“I can’t believe Mr. Robinson!” She said, much too loudly for a library.

Evan shushed her. “What did he do?”

Zoe angrily stood up and paced back and forth in front of Evan, gesticulating wildly with her hands as she spoke. “He failed my test because I ‘didn’t have a meaningful grasp on the subject’, whatever that’s supposed to mean. I fucking studied! And my parents are going to be pissed because it’s usually Connor who brings home bad grades, not me, but recently he’s been getting better grades and my grades have been dropping and UGH! I just can’t take it!”

Evan grinned. “He’s been getting good grades? That’s great! I-I told him to do those pomodoro thingies that Dr.-Dr. Sherman told me about. Ask him if they worked.”

Zoe sighed. “Can I just rant without you talking about Connor for once? I swear you like my psychopath brother more than me.”

“N-no.” Evan crossed his arms. “You can rant. I won’t interrupt, I promise.”

And so Zoe ranted, quietly out of respect for the library, about her parents and about having to live under Connor’s shadow and how Mr. Robinson’s a little bitch with an ASMR voice that makes it impossible to pay attention to whatever he says and how Harmony Wu, her best friend, kept pestering her about her college applications and about how fucked up it was that bar code scanners didn’t scan the black lines but actually scanned the spaces in between the lines until she was all burnt out.

“Do, um, do you feel better?” 

Zoe sighed and sat down across from Evan, absentmindedly leafing through her biology textbook. “Yeah. Thanks.”

Evan smiled. “No problem.”

“Hey, so do you want to come over after school today and watch TV or something?” Zoe looked at Evan with her puppydog eyes that she had mastered. “Please? I really need a break.” 

Evan thought about his english paper and math test and piles of history homework he had to do and pushed it all to a far corner of his mind as best he could. “Su-sure.”

Zoe smiled exactly like Connor did, sticking the very tip of her tongue between her teeth and smiling widely so that her cheeks dimpled and the corners of her eyes and her nose crinkled. She opened her book and began to read, mumbling to herself about enzymes and viruses every once in a while. 

Evan watched Zoe as she studied in her own little world, ignoring the way her hair dangled in front of her face and how her demurely crossed pineapple converse had an undone lace. How she clicked her tongue as she thought and bounced her leg under the table. 

This, Evan realized, was why he was dating Zoe. She was a welcome breath of fresh air in his world of anxiety-driven smog. She was a sunshiny ray of normalcy and a beautiful reminder of the depths of humanity.

Connor was nothing, Evan told himself. Zoe would always be perfect.

Of course as soon as he thought that, Evan felt guilty. Connor didn’t need to be second to Zoe just like she didn’t need to be second to him. The truth was that he loved Zoe and he loved Connor like a friend.

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the whole truth. But Dr. Sherman said that sometimes truth needed time to sink in.

And sometimes truth wasn’t actually the truth.

That’s what Evan hoped.

The school day ended and he went home with Zoe, who sung along to Kesha on the car radio and flipped off Connor’s car as she passed it, pressing down hard on the horn. Evan smiled. 

And so Zoe and Evan sat on the couch in the den and watched Stranger Things and laughed and yelled at the TV and kissed a little and it was all so… nice. And once the sun had set Connor snuck outside and started banging on the window during a particularly scary scene, which made Zoe scream and throw a pillow out the window at him. And although the constant squeal of anxiety didn’t stop, it had softened into a low hum as if to allow Evan to enjoy one pure, golden moment on a cold early winter night. 

But something about it wasn’t perfect. Even though he was braving the floodwaters of his fucked-up life, he could hear the Jaws theme song on repeat in that nagging corner of his mind warning him that there was a bad storm coming and he had better stock up on bread and milk while he had the chance.

So Eleven was stuck in the upside down and Zoe was yelling at Connor and Evan was racking his brain for what he knew was wrong.

Connor came inside and flopped down on the couch next to Evan, leaning into his side and resting his head on Evan’s shoulder. Zoe gave Evan a questioning look, to which he responded with a simple shrug. Evan’s phone buzzed with a text from Zoe.

From: Zo :)  
who is that and what have you done with my brother?

From: me  
What?

From: Zo :)  
Why is he all up on your shoulder like that

From: me  
I don’t know. Why?

From: Zo :)  
Its so out of character

From: me  
I don’t know what you mean.

From: Zo :)  
Connor doesnt touch people

From: Zo :)  
Once when he was little he threw a fit bc mom made him hold her hand when they crossed the street

From: Zo :)  
Idk its just weird

Evan knit his brow. Zoe shrugged and focused on the screen. Evan’s phone buzzed once again.

From: Mom  
I’m at home. Where are you?

From: me  
Zoe’s house. 

From: Mom  
Well if you want to come home I was thinking we could have a taco tuesday!!

From: me  
Sure. I’ll get a ride home once this episode is over.

From: Mom  
Yay!! <3

Evan pocketed his phone and refocused on the TV, pushing the nagging voice in his head aside. Connor’s body was cold from being outside and his hair was soft against his neck.

Zoe poked Evan awake at the end of the episode. Evan hadn’t even realized he was asleep, there was just something so soothing about breathing along with someone else’s breath that just knocked Evan right out. 

“Wanna play cards or something?” Zoe asked, jabbing relentlessly at Evan’s arm. 

“Oh. Uh… I told my mom I would go home after this episode.” Evan smiled halfheartedly. “Taco Tuesday!” He said weakly.

“Oh.” Zoe looked a bit deflated. “Cool. Do you need a ride?”

“That would be great.” Evan said, standing up from the couch and stretching. 

Connor waved and fell onto the space where Evan had been sitting so that he was taking up half the couch. “See you later, alligator.”

Zoe rolled her eyes and stood up with Evan. “You’re not allowed to quote the Lego Movie at my boyfriend.”

“Well, do you want to find me a boyfriend to quote the Lego Movie at? ‘Cause I sure as hell can’t.”

Zoe took Evan’s wrist and dragged him out of the den. “Maybe if you didn’t dress like a rejected Hot Topic model.”

“Fuck you!” Connor yelled after her, but they were already out the door.

The cold air bit at Evan’s cheeks as the two hurried into Zoe’s car. Zoe jabbed at the heater, shivering and trying to touch as little of the frozen leather seats as possible. 

“Taco Tuesday, huh?” Zoe steered out of the driveway and Evan was so used to the jarring and unsafe way Connor drove that her smooth control over the car was almost shocking. “Is that, like, a tradition?”

“Oh, no. My mom, she- she tries to do it every once in a while but usually she, um, she has to work.” 

“Ah.” Zoe gnawed at her lip as she drove. “Do you want to… turn on some music or something?”

“O-okay.” Evan turned on the radio, letting the soft piano envelop him. Zoe must’ve been listening to some sort of classical station, which seemed sort of bizarre for her, but was nice. 

They drove in silence.

Zoe pulled into Evan’s driveway and pressed a kiss to his cheek before he left the car. Evan smiled. His mom was watching out the window and waved at Zoe, who opened her door, leaned out, and waved back. Evan walked up to his door, greeting his mom with a hug.

“Hey, baby!” Heidi ushered Evan inside and sat him down at the kitchen island, running around the kitchen mixing and chopping various taco ingredients. “Evan, sweetie, could you get the beans out of the microwave?” She dumped a pile of steaming meat in a chipped floral bowl and set it on the countertop. “So the meat’s a little burned, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing like a little char to add flavor, right?” Heidi gestured widely with her wooden spoon, moving about the kitchen like a whirlwind.

Finally, every plate and bowl was placed on the counter, each dish prepared wrong in some way. Heidi sat on a stool opposite from Evan and smiled. “How long has it been since we had a taco Tuesday?”

Evan shrugged.

“Too long, that’s for sure.” Heidi grabbed a taco shell and started loading it up, bits of meat and lettuce spilling onto her plate. “So, how was your day? What did you do with Zoe?”

“Good.” Evan looked down at his plate, watching the grease from the meat drip down onto his plate, the orange liquid mingling with stray bits of cheese and tomato. “We, um, we watched TV.”

“Sounds fun! What did you watch?”

Evan ignored the question, running his finger around the rim of his plastic milk cup. “You know how you, um, how you said I could come to you with, uh, crush stuff?”

“Of course! Why, is there a problem with Zoe?”

“N-no. Not, um, not exactly.” Evan bit his lip. “How do you- you know if you have a c-crush?”

“Well, I think that’s different for everyone, sweetie. Why? Do you have a crush? What’s her name?” Heidi frowned. “Does Zoe know?”

“No.” Evan couldn’t meet his mother’s eyes. “It-it doesn’t matter. Forget I mentioned it.”

“No! I want to know!” Heidi grabbed Evan’s hand. “You can talk to me about anything, Evan.” She smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling in that comforting way Evan knew so well. “That’s what moms are for, after all.”

Evan thought about Connor’s calloused hand on his cheek and Zoe’s scented candles and the warm summer day when he sat at the top of an oak tree wanting it all to be over. “I just… don’t know.”

“Well, tell me about this mystery crush. Maybe that’ll help.” Heidi propped her chin on her hand.

Evan coughed and picked at his cuticles. “Um…” He didn’t like his mom calling it a crush. It wasn’t a crush. He just had a lot of hormones because he was a late bloomer and his brain was acting up. But his mom expected him to say something, so he blurted the first thing that came to mind. “Barb!”

Heidi knit her brows. “Barb? Is that her name?”

“N-no. That’s, um, that’s the name of their car.” Evan’s voice got quieter and quieter with each word. “Barbara.”

She seemed even more confused. “The car’s name is Barbara?”

“Uh- yeah.” Evan said. Maybe if he took a big enough bite he wouldn’t have to talk for at least another two minutes. 

“Sounds interesting.” Heidi smiled. “So, what else should I know about this mystery crush?”

“A-actually, I’m not that hungry. I’mgoingtogoupstairsanddomyhomeworknowokaybye!” Evan pushed his chair away from the table quickly, stumbling out of the kitchen and running upstairs.

Evan’s heart felt heavy and cold. There was a storm coming, that was for sure. But Evan was choosing to ignore the warning signs completely and live in bliss. Sure, when the floodwater comes he’ll get swept up in the muddy torrent and end up completely demolishing everything he holds dear. But he really, really just wanted to live normally. He needed a breath of normalcy and boredom to break him out of his anxiety hurricane mind.

Evan collapsed on his bed, tracing circles and patterns on the wall beside him as he tried to calm his horridly racing mind. 

He just needed a little bit of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey!!! 'Tis I, the frenchiest fry. Thanks so much for reading this and leaving great comments. All my USA pals remember to call your senators to tell them to fight against the repeal of net neutrality because Ajit Pai is a fuckwad.
> 
> I'm especially proud of myself for posting this now because I was extremely emotionally volatile yesterday and I might still not be fully chilled out ;)


	8. why don’t we just pretend?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is destructive and Zoe is abandoned.

Evan was hot.

It was the dead of winter and Evan felt like he was burning up. He didn’t like a ton of contact usually, but he was in someone’s lap and they were touching him everywhere and it was great, to say the least. The mystery person’s hair was tickling his neck and he couldn’t breathe.

Evan took a deep breath and tried to come back to the surface, half expecting to smell the familiar scent of apples and lemons. Instead, the air was thick with cigarette smoke and mint gum.

Connor.

“Evan…” Connor moaned against the skin of his neck.

Evan woke with a start, drenched in sweat and uncomfortable in every sense of the word.

The heat from his dream was gone, leaving him freezing cold in the December air. Evan knew he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep even if he tried, so he climbed out of bed, shivering as his bare feet hit the cold wood floor. He was cold and sweaty and gross and he could feel the waves of panic washing over him. 

Breathing exercises. He could do that. Evan sat on the edge of his bed breathing evenly until the memory of Connor’s skeletal hands on his body had dissipated into the night. Evan could still feel his calloused fingers ghosting across his skin, leaving burning tracks across his face and chest.

Evan got up and wandered down into the kitchen, rubbing his hands vigorously against his arms for warmth. It was one of those pristine winter moments where the world was still and the snow outside was perfect, the only light in the window the streetlamps and other people’s christmas lights. Evan stood at the window, watching the snow fall and the Robinsons’ lighted tree in their front yard twinkle all the colors of the rainbow. Every now and then a car could be heard in the distance, breaking the perfect peace of the night. 

Evan filled a glass with water and drank it slowly, watching out the window and trying to dispel the memory of his dream. 

His… homoerotic friendship dream?

There was no lying, it was a sex dream.

Although Evan could see the snow drifting to the ground softly and quietly, he couldn’t help but feel like this was the storm he had been sensing the past few days. If he could brave the thunder and floods, he could return to normal and live his life without trouble. He missed when his biggest issues were having to speak in front of the class, not worrying that he might have a blossoming crush on his out of his league and emotionally volatile best friend. 

It wasn’t like he could talk to anyone about it, either. If he told Zoe she would think he was repulsive for liking her brother and dump him right then and there and if he told Jared he would never hear the end of it. 

It was hormones. Evan was a growing teenager, he had taken part in enough mandatory health classes to figure out that this probably meant nothing. Late bloomers and all that. 

The menorah in the window glowed happily, the three lit candles illuminating its little slice of the nighttime. Evan took a deep breath. 

His brain was getting the best of him and when he woke up in the morning, it would all be fine. Everything would go back to normal and he could finish watching Stranger Things with Zoe and get burgers with his friend with no strings attached. Just a normal kid with a normal girlfriend.

But Evan knew that the scent of mint gum and cigarette smoke would stay with him in some dark corner of his mind, always harkening back to the overwhelming heat of that dream. 

And he knew that a part of him really wanted to feel that heat again.

 

~

 

Connor wasn’t in school the next day.

This was both relieving and worrisome for Evan. It was comforting to know that he didn’t have to sit next to the very person he had had a sex dream about the night before at lunch, laughing and joking about things that, in light of recent events, made Evan very uncomfortable to think of.

If Evan had to hear Connor say “fuck me in the ass” one more time he just might faint.

This was also problematic because although Connor skipped school quite frequently, he usually told Evan when he was taking a day off because he knew how Evan worried, and for someone as emotionally volatile as Connor, an unannounced absence wasn’t a very good omen. 

Evan approached Zoe at her locker before homeroom, mentally sighing when he saw how relaxed she looked.

“Hey.” 

Zoe looked away from her locker, tucking a purple binder under her arm. “Hey. What’s up?”

“No-nothing much.” Evan leaned against the wall of lockers, trying to look casual and failing. “Where’s Connor?”

Zoe sighed. “Mom told me to tell you he was taking a ‘me day’.”

“A me day?”

“He’s in an episode.” Zoe tried to look nonchalant, but Evan could see how rattled she was by the way she tapped her foot and tugged on her hair and constantly checked her phone as if expecting the worst possible news to come in at any moment.

Evan knit his brows. “What kind of episode?”

“Well, let’s think!” Zoe laughed breathily. “Just this morning he smashed three plates, threw a chair across the room, and punched a hole in his bedroom wall. My mom trapped him in the basement and locked the door, but I’m not sure what that could possibly do.”

“Oh.”

And then Zoe’s arms were around him and she was crying. “It’s awful, Evan! Nobody can stop him and-and he looks terrified of himself but I-we can’t do an-anything except lock the doors and hi-hide.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to go home, Ev.” Zoe pulled away and wiped at her eyes. “I can’t.”

“You, um, you can stay at my house after school?” Evan tried to give her a comforting grin. “We have ice cream in the freezer and we, um, we can watch a movie.”

Zoe smiled weakly. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Evan made a split-second decision, going against all logical red alert bells going off in his head. He needed to talk to Connor.

As soon as Zoe turned away to go to her homeroom, Evan took advantage of the fact that he had open campus as a senior and study the next period and quickly left the school, powerwalking through town to where the Murphys lived. By the time he got to the house, his calves burned and his nose was red and runny from the cold. 

He rang the doorbell and waited. There was some kerfuffle inside the house before a beaming Cynthia Murphy opened the door. For a split second her grin fell as she looked, confused, at the teenager standing in front of her at 9:30 in the morning, but quickly replaced it with a welcoming smile. 

“Evan! What are you doing here?”

Evan shifted his backpack awkwardly. “I-I need to, um, I need to see Connor. Please.”

Cynthia laughed nervously, wringing her hands in a way that sort of looked like she was a murderer and was really awkwardly trying to stop the police from getting into her house where the dead bodies were. Or maybe Evan had watched too much Buzzfeed Unsolved the night before. 

“This really isn’t the best time. Could you come back tomorrow?” 

Evan shook his head. “I need to see Connor.”

Cynthia looked like she was having an internal battle with herself. “Could you please come back tomorrow? He’s really not in the mood for visitors.”

 

Evan could feel his fingers freezing and he was on the verge of tears. “Please?”

“Fine! Fine.” Cynthia shook her head and let Evan in. “He’s in the basement. Wait one second while I get the key.”

Evan pressed his ear against the basement door. For the most part it was silent except for an occasional sob or crash. Cynthia walked up to the door, hesitating before she unlocked it. 

“I’d be very careful if I were you. He’s been... throwing things all morning. I haven’t been able to get through to him, but if you can...” Cynthia frowned and unlocked the door. “Good luck.”

As Evan tiptoed down the stairs to the basement, he couldn’t help but feel scared as he took in the picture frames that had been knocked off their perch and the scratches around the handle of the door. He was positive his heart was beating so loud Connor could hear it.

Connor was sitting in what looked like the center of a hurricane. The basement was in shambles, with Connor sitting curled in on himself amongst the wreckage. Evan tried to squeak out a greeting, but Connor lifted his head before he could say anything.

“Evan?” He said helplessly.

Evan couldn’t move from his spot at the base of the stairs. “Yeah.”

“Evan. Evan, Evan, Evan,” Connor babbled to himself as he hugged his knees to his chest, his hair obscuring his face.

“Are you okay?”

Connor’s head snapped up, his red-rimmed eyes filled with rage. “What does it look like? They trapped me in here, Evan! Like a fucking animal!”

Evan felt his body moving towards Connor, felt his hands reaching out to take Connor’s in his own. “I-I’m sorry.”

“Ev…”

“What can I do?” 

“Talk to me. Please. It’s too lonely here.” Connor reached up as if to grab Evan’s face. “Please?”

It was that one cracking syllable that pushed Evan over the edge, that told his arms to hold Connor tight and never let him go. Connor hugged back, his fingernails digging into Evan’s shoulders.

“This, um, this summer I was working as a junior park ranger at Ellison Park, right? And there was this-this group of kids who would come through ever-every week. They were some sort of theatre troupe that did, um, outdoor plays? I think they were doing Shakespeare. Anyway, whenever they changed in-into their costumes they would blast the-the Ghostbusters theme at full volume from this portable speaker thingy they had. So you-you would be walking past the East section and then all of the sudden you could just hear the Ghostbusters theme really loudly off somewhere in the woods.” 

Connor laughed softly and held Evan tighter.

“If you don-don’t mind me asking, what, um, what ha-happened?” Evan asked tentatively.

Connor didn’t pull away, but his shoulders sagged and his chest caved into Evan’s. “I… don’t know. Larry was saying something about how I needed to-to cut my hair or some shit, and I just… exploded.”

Connor’s hands loosened their grip and his arms dangled limply at the base of Evan’s back. “I’m fucking scared, Ev. I feel… I feel like I’ve lost control and I’m never going to get it back again. That I’ll never calm down and I’ll be a fucking monster forever.”

Evan thought back to his dream, about how Connor mouthed his name across the skin of his collarbone. He took in the thick cigarette smell that clung to Connor’s jacket. If anyone was a monster, it was Evan. “You- you’re not a monster.”

“Yes, I am! I almost hurt Zoe and that’s why they locked me here like the freak of nature I am.” Connor shook his head. “Don’t pretend like you don’t agree.”

“I…” 

Connor pulled away from the embrace, wrenching his hands out of Evan’s grasp. Evan pulled them back, gaping at the destruction. The sleeves of Connor’s jacket had been rolled up, revealing what seemed to be hundreds of messy and jagged scratch marks up and down his inner arm. Very few scratches had actually broken skin, which left angry red marks that looked like the aftermath of an animal attack.

“I love you, Connor.” 

Connor looked up to meet Evan’s eyes, desperately fighting the blush creeping up his neck.

“You’re my best friend.” Evan tried to ignore the lump in his throat. “And I-I don’t think you’re a monster.”

Connor blinked furiously, trying to stop the tears rising to his eyes and failing miserably. “What about Kleinman?”

Evan smiled. “You-you mean my ‘family friend’?”

Connor lurched about an inch forward, and Evan got the sudden feeling that he was going to kiss him. Evan’s chest dropped out in that roller-coaster feeling and his breathing hitched, only to have Connor pull him into a tight hug for the second time that day.

“Stay,” he said, barely a whisper.

Evan really wanted to. Really, really wanted to. “I, um, I have school.”

“I know you don’t have any cuts on your record, Hansen,” Connor mumbled into his shoulder. “Stay with me.”

So Evan did.

After a while on the floor and about a hundred whispered compliments, Connor set up the pullout couch and immediately fell asleep, his bruised and torn arms holding Evan close. When Evan woke up hours later, Cynthia thanked him for helping Connor and told him Zoe was at Alana’s house. With that comforting affirmation, Evan snuck back downstairs and settled into Connor’s embrace once again, sleeping the rest of the afternoon away. 

Connor drove Evan home at around six. The car ride was silent and the air was thick with things unsaid.

Evan just kept trying to forget how easily he had fallen asleep in Connor’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooahhh two chapters in one day???? You only get this bc I put off writing my lab report due Friday...
> 
> Kudos and comment and sub and all that jazz bc I’m not going to fail bio for nothing
> 
> Follow my Connor Murphy insta @ connormurphywho
> 
> Big things in the future!!!


	9. lies; don’t want to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time has come, the walrus said, to get down and dirty.

When Zoe invited Evan to her winter jazz band concert on the last night of Hanukkah, he really wasn’t surprised. It was customary for Evan to come to her concerts because she knew how much he liked being there and he knew how much she liked trying to find his face in the audience. So his mother and him made an outing out of it and shoveled the snow off the car to make their way to the high school for Winterfest.

Zoe’s jazz band concert was amazing. That didn’t really surprise Evan; what really shocked him was when Zoe came up to him in her concert blacks with Connor in tow asking if he wanted a ride to the after-party at Alana’s house.

“It’s just a small congratulatory party, Ms. Hansen,” Zoe assured Evan’s mom. “Just a few people. And Alana’s really responsible, she wouldn’t condone anything bad in her house.”

Heidi squeezed Evan’s shoulders. “That sounds like fun! Of course you can go, Evan. Just make sure you text me if anything comes up.”

Evan nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Okay. Thanks, mom.”

“Of course, honey.” Heidi smiled. “I’ll be at home if you need anything.”

As soon as Evan’s mom was out of sight, Zoe grabbed Evan’s wrist and dragged him out to her car, offering small “great job”s and “see you at the party”s to fellow band members. Zoe fairly skipped to her car, whereas Connor trudged behind her. Zoe didn’t start the car immediately after they all got in. She turned to Evan with a guilty look on her face.

“So what I said to your mom was a little bit of a lie,” Zoe said nervously. “It’s going to be a pretty large party. And there will be drinking.” Zoe must’ve seen Evan’s face pale because she grabbed Evan’s hands with a panicked “you don’t have to drink anything, though!”

Connor rolled his eyes. 

“A-alright.” Evan pulled his hands away from Zoe’s and gnawed at his nails. “I’ll go with you.”

Zoe grinned. “Oh, this’ll be so much fun!”

Connor picked at his nail polish and put his feet up on the back of Zoe’s seat. “Yeah. Fun.”

“Don’t be so quick to assume you’ll have a bad time, shithead.” Zoe shot a glare at Connor and started the car. “Maybe you’ll get super wasted and end up having hot, kinky, gay sex with some random guy you won’t even remember in the morning.”

Connor cocked an eyebrow. “That’s your idea of a good time?”

“Fine. Maybe you’ll get super wasted and have hot gay sex with someone you have a deep emotional connection with and start a loving and fulfilling relationship with them. Better?”

Connor stuck out his tongue at his sister. “Fuck you.”

Zoe took a hand off the steering wheel to flip Connor off, almost running over a traffic cone in the process. “Fuck you!”

Connor winked at Evan, who blushed and focused his eyes out the window. He couldn’t help feeling as if Connor knew… everything. 

About that goddamn dream.

Zoe turned on the radio, that Feel It Still song that Evan couldn’t seem to escape. Zoe turned the song up too loud for Evan to hear his thoughts and his musings of Connor were quickly drowned out by bass guitar. They drove the rest of the way to Alana’s house without any more conversation.

When Zoe pulled up at the curb, Evan felt his heart drop out of his chest. A ‘pretty large party’ was the understatement of the century. If the myriad of cars wasn’t enough, just the view from the Beck’s large bay windows betrayed how many people were at this party. Evan felt his whole body vibrate from the pounding bass as he walked up to the front door with Zoe and Connor. Zoe knocked on the door confidently and was greeted by Alana. She was still ‘wearing her concert blacks’, if it counted if she was wearing black skinny jeans and a black lacy bra. 

“Zo! And Evan!” Alana beamed at the two, then leaned over Evan’s shoulder. “Oh, hey, Connor. Didn’t see you there.”

“Story of my life,” Connor muttered.

Alana ushered them into her house, a wild hub of energy, music, light, and shirtless, sweaty bodies. “You’re just in time for shirtless o’clock!” Alana leaned over and stage-whispered to Evan and Connor. “Jazz band party tradition.”

“I was afraid I had missed it.” Zoe unbuttoned her black dress shirt and tossed it in a corner with her heels along with hundreds of other shirts and pairs of shoes.

“I’m afraid I’m going to opt out of this one,” Connor said, crossing his arms.

Evan nodded frantically. “M-me too.”

“Your loss! C’mon, Ev, let’s dance.” Zoe threw an arm around Evan’s shoulders and dragged him over to what Evan assumed was the living room and started dancing. “I secretly think we only do shirtless o’clock because it gets so hot.” 

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled.

The night was a flurry of noise and insanity and dancing and kissing. Evan and Zoe eventually lost each other in the crowd of students and Evan found himself over by a table laden with red solo cups and bowls of mysterious looking drinks. After a small argument with himself that ended with an internal “eh, screw it”, Evan picked up a cup and drank whatever happened to be inside it. And he liked it. A lot.

He wasn’t sure how many times he had refilled his cup before an also obviously intoxicated Connor came slouching over to him. “Hey, Evan,” he sang, dragging out Evan’s name. He threw an arm around Evan’s shoulder jovially before freezing when he saw Evan’s cup. “Jeez, dude, how much did you drink?”

“I don’t know,” Evan said, wildly aware that his voice was starting to slur. “But I feel fucking amazing.”

Connor’s face was flushed and strands of his hair had fallen in front of his face. “So drunk Evan swears. Neato.”

Evan hip-checked Connor, something he had never done with anyone else in his entire life. “So drunk Connor doesn’t. Neato.”

Connor laughed. “You’re real messed up, man.”

“Nah,” Evan warbled. “I’m fine.”

“C’mon.” Connor walked Evan over to the staircase and sat him down on one of the steps. “I’m gonna get you some water. Don’t move.”

Evan sat obediently on the step, watching the people pass. Dancing and drinking and making out. Connor came back with a red cup full of tap water and handed it to Evan. “So how’s it goin’?”

“Good.” Connor sat down next to Evan, and Evan leaned his head on Connor’s shoulder. “Zoe should not wear shirts more.”

Connor laughed and pushed Evan away playfully. “Gross, Evan.”

“She’s pretty.” Connor let Evan’s head come back down onto his shoulder.

“Yeah.” Connor closed his eyes and Evan wished he hadn’t. He really liked Connor’s eyes. “Must’ve skipped that gene.”

“You’re pretty too,” Evan slurred.

Connor’s face burned red. “You’re drunk.”

“And you’re pretty.” Evan ran a hand through Connor’s hair, his foggy mind not noticing how Connor shut his eyes tight and shivered when Evan did so. “I like your hair. And your eyes.”

“You’re drunk,” Connor repeated mechanically.

“No, I’m not.”

“Drink your water.” 

“Why aren’t you drunk?” Evan asked, tilting his head to look up at Connor.

“I am. My head hurts and I’m dizzy and I feel like I can say or do anything.” Connor poked Evan’s cheek. “But I’m used to drinking and I wasn’t drinking crap that was, like, 100 percent vodka.”

“Coolio.” 

They sat on the step for what seemed like no time at all, talking and drinking water and slowly coming back to reality. Before Evan knew it, it was two in the morning and people were starting to file out.

Zoe came up to Evan on the stairs with a drunken grin. “Imma stay overnight with ‘Lana. You guys cool to get home?”

Connor shot her a thumbs-up. “Have fun.”

Zoe kissed Evan’s cheek and stumbled up the stairs. “G’night, Ev.”

Connor inhaled sharply through his teeth. “We need to go home. Do you think you can stay over at my house for the night? It is a Friday.”

Evan, who felt considerably less intoxicated than before, nodded. “I’ll ask.”

Connor heaved himself up from the stairs with a groan. “I’m gonna go pee while you text your mom. Then we’ll go. ‘Kay?”

Evan nodded. “Okay.”

Heidi’s response to his quick “staying over with Connor” text with a “great! Have fun!!!” and three heart emojis. Connor came back from the bathroom with Zoe’s car keys in hand. 

“Let’s go.”

Evan grabbed Connor’s hand and walked out to Zoe’s abandoned car by the curb, watching all the other walks of shame in varying states of undress from Alana’s house. Connor climbed into the passenger seat of the bright yellow car, throwing a smirk at Evan before peeling away from the house. “Here’s to hoping the police don’t stop us.”

Evan smiled and leaned back in his seat. The car was quiet, but not awkward. They just drove, enjoying the peace of the night and each other’s company. Some stupid pop song that they were playing at the party was stuck in Evan’s head, making the whole thing seem like a movie with a subpar soundtrack. Connor tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he drove.

Evan’s mind must’ve still been muddled from the alcohol because without thinking, he blurted out the worst confession possible: “I think I like you.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m pretty and I have nice hair. I get it.” Connor pulled into his driveway, turned off the car, and turned to face Evan.

“No.” Evan bit his lip. He couldn’t back out now. “I like you.”

Connor leaned forward in his seat. “You’re dating my sister.”

“Yes. But I like you.”

Connor studied Evan’s face. “Evan. I-”

“I’m going to kiss you.” Without waiting for an answer, Evan leaned forward and connected his lips to Connor’s. Immediately, Connor kissed back, bringing his hands up to cup Evan’s face. It was exhilarating. Most likely because he was kissing Zoe’s brother while he was dating Zoe… shit. Zoe! Evan shoved Connor away a little too harshly. 

“Connor…” 

Connor looked dejected. “Yeah. I know. Zoe.”

Evan took Connor’s head in his hands and kissed him aggressively. Connor’s lips were chapped and tasted like beer, but Evan couldn’t bring himself to find something bad about it. Connor shifted in his seat, most likely trying to lift his arm for some reason, but ended up hitting the car horn with his elbow. Both boys jumped back in surprise. 

Connor started to laugh. Loud, obnoxious, I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing laughter. “Fucking hell, Evan.”

Evan blanched. “I’m so, so sorry, I don’t even know what I was thinking it won’t happen again andIunderstandifyoujustwantmetowalkhomerightnowIgetitwouldbesuperweirdtostayoveratyourhouseafterwejustkissedand-”

“Hansen.” Connor held up a hand, effectively cutting Evan off. “You don’t have to walk home.”

“Oh.” Evan bit his lip. “Okay.”

“One, stop doing that, it’s super hot. Two, you can still stay over. Three… I don’t hate you, or anything.” Connor’s face was red. “And if you wanted to… you know, do that again, I wouldn’t be against it.”

Evan opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Connor interrupted. “And we need to go inside. I’m not sleeping in the car.”

Connor and Evan walked into the Murphy’s house, side by side, avoiding conversation and looking at each other. When the got into the dark house, however, it was like a switch had been flipped. Connor dropped Zoe’s car keys onto the sideboard by the door and tilted Evan’s chin up with a crooked finger, pulling him into a passionate kiss. Evan brought his hands up to Connor’s hair, something that made Connor make a small, breathy noise that Evan wanted to hear again and again and again. Connor’s hands rested at Evan’s hips, his fingernails digging into Evan’s skin as he pulled him closer.

Connor started moving backwards, most likely trying to get them out of the foyer. Evan moved with him, something that was working until he tripped on the rug and fell.

“Shit!” Connor whisper-yelled. “Evan, you okay?”

Evan tried to contain his laughter. “I-I’m fine.”

“That was a pretty bad fall.”

Evan held up a hand and Connor pulled him up. “I’m fine. I probably won’t even get bruises.”

Connor tried to suppress his laughter and ended up wheezing as he half-carried Evan up the stairs. Connor stumbled up the first open door he ended up seeing and fell onto the bed with Evan sitting beside him. As soon as the giggles subsided, Evan pulled Connor up into sitting position and connected their lips, restarting what had been well on its way downstairs before Evan fell. 

Connor leaned into the kiss, and Evan shifted over so he was straddling Connor’s lap. It was cold and dark in the Murphy’s house, but Evan had never felt more on fire. Evan let his fingers rake through Connor’s hair until they found their place at the nape of his neck, trying in vain to pull Connor closer and closer. Connor’s hands trailed up and down Evan’s sides and okay, those were teeth. Evan felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest and start running, screaming, around the room and Evan would die right then and there because he didn’t have his heart anymore and Connor would feel guilty forever and he would have to go to his funeral with the knowledge that he had been kissing his sister’s boyfriend when he died and-

“Evan,” Connor murmured. “Get out of your head. Is this okay?”

Evan tried to squeak out a ‘yes’ but failed, opting to nod furiously instead of trying to form a coherent thought. Connor trailed kisses along his jawline and down his neck and any thoughts of Zoe flew right out the window. Connor’s hands were grasping needily at his back and their bodies were pressed so close Evan could feel Connor’s racing heartbeat and Evan couldn’t bring himself to find an excuse to stop. 

Every sense felt amplified as Connor kissed down Evan’s chest and murmured if he was okay every time Evan showed even a flicker of dissatisfaction. Connor’s hair tickling his skin. His fingernails softly raking across Evan’s back. Connor’s blindingly blue eyes sparkled with the reflections of the strings of lights above them. Something in Evan’s gut flashed warning signals but was drowned out by the hot tidal wave of Connor, Connor, Connor. 

 

~

 

Evan woke up in the morning with a pounding headache and no memory of the night before.

Evan blinked and looked around the room. Fairy lights, small potted plants, guitar in the corner. Zoe’s room. A bare arm was draped across Evan’s side and he was suddenly aware of his lack of clothing.

But hadn’t Zoe stayed over at Alana’s house?

Suddenly, the memories came flooding back and Evan felt his heart sink like a stone.

Evan wasn’t one to swear, but. 

Shit.

Evan wanted to get up and take a shower (or five) but couldn’t bring himself to move from the bed. Zoe’s bed.

Connor snorted softly in his sleep and shifted his arm, his fingernails grating across Evan’s chest and sending shivers down his spine. Evan couldn’t move. He didn’t want to. So he sat there, without as much as a twitch of a finger, for at least half an hour waiting for Connor to wake up, mulling over the events of the previous night with deep regret that wasn’t really that deep. Or regretful.

Connor mumbled a lot in his sleep, Evan noticed. A lot about Evan. An embarrassing amount of incoherent mutterings about Evan. Also something about bread?

After a painfully long amount of time, Connor groaned and shifted, which Evan sincerely hoped meant he was awake. Evan’s arm was pinned under his torso and it was starting to fall asleep.

“What the fuck?”

Evan felt Connor sit up and he sat up too, quickly pulling a handful of sheets up to his chest to hide his nakedness, which he guessed was a pointless pursuit, but felt more comfortable doing nonetheless.

Connor’s face went white as a ghost. “Holy shit.”

Evan didn’t say anything, just stared and hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt.

Connor turned away from Evan and buried his head in his hands, his eyes panicked and wild. “Oh, no. Oh, god no. Shit, shit, shit.”

“Connoryoucan’tpanicbecauseifyoupanicI’mgoingtopanicandthatwon’tbegoodforeitherofus!” Evan half-yelled, making Connor wince.

“Okay. Okay. No panicking.” Connor took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Just… shit. This is a very bad situation.”

Evan nodded and looked down at his hands. “Yes.”

“It- we’ll be fine. My parents sleep with their door closed and they have earplugs, so it’s not like they could’ve… heard us.” Connor’s face was beet red. 

“We’ll be fine?” Evan cried hysterically. “What about Zoe?”

“Zoe can’t know.” Connor rubbed at his temples. “This was a one-time thing, we were drunk. We’ll be fine.”

Evan wrapped his arms around his torso and held himself tightly, trying to take deep, measured breaths like Dr. Sherman said to. They might’ve been a little tipsy, but definitely not drunk. At least not drunk enough to blame their actions on alcohol.

No, this was absolutely purposeful, and they both knew it.

Connor put a hand on his shoulder and Evan flinched at the sudden contact. Connor pulled his hand away like it burned.

“You should get dressed. And leave.” 

Evan didn’t even process how cold that sounded, just nodded. “Y-yeah.”

Connor fell back on his bed and pulled the sheets over his head so that all Evan could see were thin tendrils of brown hair peeking out from under the covers. Evan quickly dressed in his clothes from the night before that were all wrinkled from staying on the floor and smelled like alcohol and also Connor, like cigarette smoke and mint gum. Which made his stomach churn. 

Evan poked Connor’s shoulder under the covers tentatively. “Connor?”

Connor shifted ever so slightly. “You need to go,” he mumbled.

Evan felt cold. Cold and dirty and his hair was greasy. He picked up his phone from its place on the floor, tugged on his shoes, and tried his best to leave the house as quietly as possible. He didn’t have a ride, so he ended up having to walk home, something that was extremely unpleasant in multiple ways. First of all, walking in the morning meant he was alone with his thoughts. Which was never a good thing. And Evan’s head was still reeling from the hangover and it wasn’t very fun walking half a mile with a smarting pain in his backside that Evan was pretty positive wasn’t going to let him forget about the night before for a while. 

It was cold and windy and by the time Evan had reached his house his nose was red and runny and his fingers were stiff. The house was dark except one light on in the kitchen, illuminating a neon sticky note on the kitchen counter from his mom.

“Good morning, honey!” The note read. “I hope you had a good time with Connor. I’m going to be at school late, so you’re free to order takeout or go over to a friend’s house for dinner. Love, mom.”

Evan left the note on the counter and trudged upstairs to the bathroom, where he stripped off his dirty clothes and climbed into the shower, turning the water as hot as he could stand. The scalding water was a welcome relief from the cold outside. Evan scrubbed at his skin aggressively, trying to quiet the noises in his head.

The noises that were mostly along the lines of Connor, Connor, Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeettttt this was like the second chapter I wrote y’all I’m so excited to post it
> 
> I finished my lab report (finally) and just got back from a chorus concert and so yeah I’m gonna mcfucking sleep my cares away
> 
> Like comment and scrubdoodle bc I didn’t sing soprano in Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus for nothing


	10. i can't let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has some "regrets".

Evan didn’t have any intention of getting out of bed on Sunday. 

His mom was away, which meant that he had the house to himself to nap and pretend everything was fine. 

Evan drifted in and out of sleep, never dreaming and never really waking up. Just awake for long enough to turn over and shift the covers so that he wasn’t quite so cold. He was glad he didn’t have to dream, because he didn’t trust his brain. 

At around three in the afternoon, the doorbell rang. Evan ignored it at first, assuming that it was a package being delivered or a rare Connecticut mormon. Then the doorbell rang again. And again.

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a mormon. 

Evan stumbled out of bed and down the stairs, tripping over his pajama pants and shivering in his heatless house. Zoe was at the door, peeking in the windows. When she saw Evan, she grinned and waved at him, miming for him to unlock the door.

Evan opened the door, slightly embarrassed to be found in his pajamas and groggy from sleep in the middle of the afternoon. Zoe looked perfectly done up in distressed jeans and an olive green sweater, her hair done into two twin braids with small cat-shaped hair clips pinning back the stray hairs curling towards her cheeks. She looked like she had been up since seven, which she probably had.

“Hey, Evan!”

Evan smiled weakly. “H-hey, Zoe. What are you doing here?”

“I was bored and it feels like I haven’t seen you in forever! Even though, you know, I saw you on Friday.” Zoe said cheerfully. “Wanna get something to eat?”

“I, um, I’m not really hungry. Do you, uh, want to come in?” 

Zoe fake-curtsied and slipped inside, shaking the snow off her shoes and shivering dramatically. “So, how’re you doing?”

“Um, good.” 

“Coolio.” Zoe walked into the kitchen, hopping up onto the counter. “Wanna bake cookies?”

“Su-sure.” Evan rubbed at his eyes, his brain still foggy and tired. “What, um, what kind?”

“Uh…” Zoe thought for a second. “Chocolate chip? Do you have chocolate chips?”

“I-I think so.” Evan opened the door to the sad-looking pantry and pulled out a bag of chocolate chips. “Just normal Tollhouse cookies?”

“Oh, hell yes.”

“Can you preheat the oven to, uh, 325 degrees?” Evan read the instructions off of the back of the bag and slowly began piling all the ingredients on the counter. He washed his hands like his mom taught him to always do before baking, but he still felt gross. It didn't seem right for Zoe to be there. 

With a shaking hand, Evan got to work with combining the dry ingredients as Zoe softened the butter by holding it inside the preheating oven until it was sufficiently squishy.

“It’s gotta feel like a butt,” she explained.

Evan just nodded and pretended like phrasing it like that didn’t make him not want to eat butter for the rest of his life. 

Zoe played her playlist of early 2000s bops and they sung along as they made the cookie dough. For a while, Evan forgot about the mistakes he had made. There was something about Britney Spears that just made everything better. Then the cookies were in the oven and they were eating the leftover cookie dough (not Evan, he wasn’t risking salmonella, no matter how good Zoe said the raw dough was) and the conversation had come to a lull. 

“So on Thursday the a cappella groups came to my homeroom and sang Christmas carols. Did they come to yours?” Evan shook his head. “Huh. Anyway, my friend Julia, she’s in the girl a cappella group and she came into my room singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and I sort of gave her this ‘what the fuck’ look and she looked at me with the most broken look I have ever seen.”

Evan laughed along with Zoe. She kept going, waving her doughy hands about in wide gestures. “Like, it was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. She looked so helpless in her little elf hat, but I couldn’t do anything but record her and laugh.”

“That’s amazing.” Evan grinned. “I love Christmas carols.”

Zoe swatted Evan with a dishtowel. “You’re Jewish, idiot.”

“I can still like Christmas carols!” Evan protested. “Ma-Maria Carey is my jam!”

“First of all, nobody says ‘my jam’. Second, All I Want For Christmas doesn’t exactly qualify for Christmas carol position.”

“Well, what is it?”

“It’s a fucking Christmas song, dude.” Zoe rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “Christmas carols need to be annoying and sung from door to door and have to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.” 

“Oh.” Evan bit his lip. “Well, um, I still like it.”

Zoe hip-checked him, glancing up at the timer on the oven. “I think the cookies need to be turned.”

Evan nodded, pulling a pair of oven mitts out of a drawer below the oven. “Here.”

“Dope.” Zoe pulled on the oven mitts and went about flipping the tray around, something she said her mom told her made the cookies bake more evenly. She shut the oven door with a ‘slam’. “Have you ever heard of John Mulaney?”

“Uh, no?” Evan tugged at the hem of his shirt. “What, um, does he do?”

“Oh my god. He’s like, the best stand up comedian EVER.” Zoe pulled out her phone, cuing up youtube and immediately typing furiously in the search bar. “Like, him and Bo Burnham and James Veitch are the holy trinity of straight white guy comedy.”

“Who are the other people?”

Zoe looked aghast. “We’ve got a lot of youtube to watch, Ev.” 

As much as Evan wasn’t in the mood for comedy, this John Mulaney guy really did have his thing figured out. Evan laughed until his stomach hurt, especially when Zoe imitated the long drawn-out moan from the Xanax story. They both laughed so hard they accidentally overcooked the cookies, and even though Evan hated overcooked cookies they ate them anyway. Unsurprisingly, Zoe knew every word to every Bo Burnham rap and knew exactly which James Veitch videos were the best. 

And Evan felt okay.

He wasn’t perfect, and he wasn’t happy. But he could make it.

He would ride out the rest of the weekend and when he went back to school, Zoe would be fine and Connor would be fine and everything would be normal. 

Zoe’s phone rang, her ringtone (By The Seaside, what she claimed was the best ringtone) blasting through the kitchen. She shot Evan a guilty look and picked it up, walking over to the other side of the kitchen.

“Hey, mom.”

Muffled talking from the other side of the phone.

“I’m at Evan’s. Why?” Zoe turned and rolled her eyes to Evan. “No, mom!”

More muffled noise.

“I’m not babysitting my eighteen year old brother, mom. He can figure it out himself.” Zoe sighed. “No! I have a life! He’s not actively suicidal or anything, right? Then there’s no reason for me to be there!”

 

The voice on the phone got louder.

Zoe groaned. “Oh my god. Fine. It’s not like I’m actually trying to have a good time or be happy or anything.” She hung up the phone and banged her head against the wall once.

“I have to go.” She walked to Evan, leaning against the counter with her jaw set angrily. “My parents are going to a fucking Messiah singalong and they couldn’t get Connor to go so I have to go home and fucking babysit my deadbeat brother because they think he’s gonna kill himself while they’re away.”

“Wh-why?” Evan gnawed at his lip. This wasn’t about him, right?

“He’s been holed up in his room all weekend. He hasn’t moved from his bed or talked to anyone and I don’t think he’s eaten.” Zoe snapped her fingers and Evan could almost see a light bulb appear over her head. “What if I take home some of these cookies? I bet he’ll be more likely to eat if it’s something actually good and not stupid Whole 30 stuff.”

“Yeah.” Evan got a ziplock bag and filled it with a few cookies. He hesitated before giving the bag to Zoe. “I know you care about him. If-If you’re ever worried about him, can you just… let me know?”

Zoe sighed. “Yeah. See you later, Evan.”

Evan smiled and squeezed her hand comfortingly and tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach. 

It was all because of him and now Connor was being so distant his family thought he was going to kill himself if they left the house. Evan wanted to throw up. 

Suddenly, the kitchen was too small and suffocating. So Evan ran out the front door, feeling like he was going to puke at any moment. The air was cold, and Evan wasn’t wearing a jacket. But he walked back and forth along the sidewalk anyway, letting the winter air circulate through his body and cool down his overheated mind. 

As Evan reached Lovell Lake and looked down at his purplish fingers, he realized it wasn’t... having sex with Connor that made him feel so sick. 

It was how much he had enjoyed it.

There was a figure sitting on the end of a dock, their feet dangling over the just-frozen water as they smoked a cigarette. Even though he knew it wasn’t Connor- he had been bedridden all weekend and besides, whoever this was had a buzz cut- he couldn’t help but turn away and power-walk back home. 

Evan sat on his front stoop until he couldn’t feel his fingers, bouncing his leg at speeds that shouldn’t be able to be achieved by any human. Eventually, he went inside, only to burrow under his blankets and wait for sleep to come.

Naturally, it didn’t.

Evan lay awake in bed, staring at the pile of clothes on his chair and trying not to think.

What was he going to tell Zoe? She didn’t deserve this. If only Evan hadn’t gone to that party and gotten drunk and let what he assumed were his hormones get the best of him. If only.

Evan felt like his life was a series of ‘if only’s. If only his dad hadn’t left that February morning. If only he had more friends than just Jared. If only he hadn’t thrown himself out of a tree over the summer.

But of course there was absolutely no way to go back and rectify those ‘if only’s. 

Besides, if he had the choice, he wasn’t sure he would want to erase the latest notch on his ‘if only’ belt.

Not just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all this is a really short chapter but who cares not me *winks with both eyes*  
> It's short bc i like writing for connor but rip me and my outlines
> 
> merry christmas to all my christian readers and happy late Hanukkah for my jewish readers
> 
> kudos and comment and sub and all that jazz bc tis the season for validation


	11. i just want it to be perfect, to believe it's all been worth the fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cats

On Monday, Evan went to school.

Because that’s what he did.

He woke up at 6:30, his hair greasy and his mouth thick with foul-tasting saliva. Evan stumbled downstairs into the kitchen, where he managed to drink an entire glass of lukewarm water before noticing his mom sitting at the kitchen island.

“Good morning, sweetie!” She said, waving at him with a smirk on her face. 

Evan wiped at his mouth and waved back. “Go-good morning.”

“I got a day off from work. Finally, right?” She laughed. “Anyway, how was your weekend? Oh, how was the jazz band party?”

Evan smiled weakly. “Good.”

“Who was there?”

“Just, um, a few people from the band.” Evan said as he picked at his cuticles. “Super, um, lowkey.”

“Sounds fun! Do you need a ride to school, or will Connor drive you like usual?” 

Evan’s stomach did backflips. “No, I, uh, I think I’ll need a ride. He’s, um, he’s been s-sick all weekend.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. Alright, you go get ready and I’ll make you some eggs or something.” Heidi shooed him out of the kitchen. “Remember to take your medicine!”

Evan nodded. He went through the motions of getting ready, taking an only slightly dirty shirt from off the floor. With a pang, he realized it was the shirt he had been wearing on Friday. He slipped it on anyway. Part of him said that it was a lucky shirt.

He ran a comb through his hair and brushed his teeth thoroughly, washing his face and putting on deodorant like he had every day of his life since sixth grade. When he went back into the kitchen, his mom was fanning away smoke with a dish towel. She turned around, smiling guiltily.

“I burnt the eggs. I mean, we were all expecting this. But! I did get you a bowl of cereal, if that makes it better.” She put a bowl of raisin bran in front of Evan, sitting across from him and propping her head on her hands. “So, tell me. How’re you doing?”

“Uh, good.”

“Good.” Heidi stirred her coffee absentmindedly. “Are you good on refills?”

“Yeah.” Evan ate his cereal distractedly, not really focusing on anything.

Heidi kept talking as Evan zoned out, the static in his head buzzing over all the noises around him. His brain played a gruesome game of table tennis, bouncing back and forth from Zoe to Connor. Zoe, Connor, Zoe, Connor.

Before he knew it, Evan was in the car with his mom, driving to school for another week of hell. Technically, it was only three days, since winter break started halfway through the week due to Christmas falling on a Friday that year. Zoe had invited him over to help her decorate their house on the promise that the only other person there would be Connor, and Evan was half contemplating feigning illness. 

The steps leading up to the school were thick with slush, and Evan accidentally fell into three people just trying to climb up the two steps. A great start to the day.

His history teacher played a video on the Byzantine Empire, giving Evan ample time to sit in the back and disassociate. He fell asleep during math class, and luckily his teacher let him sleep, only giving him a disapproving look on the way out.

At lunch, Jared came sauntering up to him and sat down next to him like he owned the place.

“Where’s your boyfriend, tree fucker?” He said much too loudly for Evan’s liking. 

“I-I don’t know.”

Jared snickered into his carton of chocolate milk. “Oh, so he fled after you did it? You didn’t hold him in your arms after you were all fucked out? Shit, I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Jared!” Evan felt his face get hot, but had no way of stopping the reaction. “I-we… it’s not like that! We didn’t-”

“Suuure.” Jared took a chicken nugget off of Evan’s plate. “I’m just saying, you have a lot of built-up sexual tension and Hot Topic is the perfect candidate for that.”

“I-”

“So, how was it?” Jared leaned forward conspiratorially. “I always thought he was real kinky. Is it true?”

Evan decided it was best not to answer, not willing to risk spilling something and digging himself a grave. After all, Jared was just teasing him. He didn’t really have any proof, did he?

“So, does he like hickeys? I don’t see any. You steal makeup from your mom or something?”

He made sure to only leave hickeys on parts of my body people wouldn’t see, half of Evan said. 

“So, is he into like, scratching and biting and shit?”

Yeah, and it was great, the shameless half of Evan piped up.

“Ple-please stop, Jared,” the real Evan said.

Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m just trying to tell the truth.”

Evan didn’t answer. Jared seemed deflated now that his source of entertainment wasn’t responding to his taunts, but kept talking anyway.

“I heard Gianna’s pregnant.” 

“What?” 

Jared grinned, glad that Evan had taken the bait. “Yeah. I bet it was one of the football players, too. You know how she gets around with those sports guys.”

“That’s-that’s not very nice,” Evan muttered. 

Jared shrugged. “I’m just sayin’, I’m pretty sure she’s fucked everyone on the team.”

As Jared babbled on and on about various school gossip, Evan let his mind wander.

Connor wasn’t in school. Did this mean he was still at home, hiding in bed? Evan couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming stone of guilt settle in his stomach. It was all his fault, wasn’t it. He wanted to go see him, to comfort him. But he also wanted to pretend what had happened never happened. He wanted the old Connor.

But he would never be able to get the Old Connor back.

There was no way he would be able to look at Connor without seeing him, the Connor he became that night. 

The New Connor.

As much as Evan wanted the Old Connor back, he couldn’t help but yearn for the New Connor. 

The Old Connor was acoustic guitars and extra salty french fries and colorful socks peeking out above his black combat boots. He was seeing the sun shine through the leaves of trees. He was shy smiles and secret winks. He was waking up early enough in the summer to see the sunrise as it appeared above the trees, painting the sky a marvelous watercolor of reds and oranges and pinks.

The New Connor was red cups full of god-knows-what and shamelessly flirting at the top of a staircase. He was bright red blushes and the smell of cigarettes. He was playing the guitar around a crackling campfire on a late summer night, breathing in the smell of smoke and waking up the next morning with the scent of it still clinging to your hair and your favorite sweatshirt. He was glimpsing the Milky Way over the trees as you stand at the edge of the lake, he was fairy lights and pure nights in the middle of winter where the snow is still untouched and the only sound is the howling wind.

“Evan? Eeevaaaaan? Buddy?” Jared waved a hand in front of Evan’s face. “Anybody home?”

Evan snapped back to reality, pushing away Jared’s hand. 

“Hark! I see some sort of life! Could it be?” Jared teased. “Jesus, you’ve got to stop fantasizing about your boyfriend. I’m right here, you know. Gross.”

The rest of the day wasn’t much better.

 

~

 

Evan walked home, his ears tingling and his hands numb from the cold. His mom was in the living room studying. Evan climbed the stairs to his bedroom and pulled out his Spanish textbook, thinking he could at least get a little studying done.

Connor took French, Evan knew. Evan could clearly remember this because Connor liked to inject French into random conversations and Evan thought it was probably one of the most attractive things about him. 

French was just an attractive language. It was the language of love, after all. And Connor spoke it with such ease, his mouth making shapes and noises Evan didn’t think he would ever be able to do. French was one of the only classes Connor showed up to consistently other than English, Evan knew that as well. 

Evan groaned. How could just a language make him think about Connor? He really was breaking down.

If he couldn’t bottle it all up, maybe he would go the Jared route and do some googling.

Evan pulled out his phone and opened an incognito browser tab. “How do you know if you’re gay?” he typed into the search bar.

Google popped up with an abundance of search results, and Evan clicked on the first one he saw. “Signs you can’t ignore”. Okay.

#1: When you dream of sex, it typically homosexual.

Well, crap. Already not good news.

#2: You haven’t ever had a crush on someone of the opposite sex.

At least that one wasn’t true, what about Zoe?

#4: You have a special friend who makes you feel all tingly.

Uh-oh.

#9: You feel like you always have a secret.

Evan had been feeling like that since he was little, but that still doesn’t bode well.

#10: Your experimentation has become an obsession.

Was he obsessed with Connor? Evan bit his lip. Yes.

Okay, so maybe Evan might be gay. Or bi or something. But that wasn’t a big deal, right? As long as he made no more mistakes, nobody would need to know. 

Evan buried his face in his Spanish textbook. 

 

~

 

Winter break came after a long yet short Connor-less week. Evan had a few tests and lab reports due that week, causing a few too many panic attacks, but the teachers were relaxed and the classes weren’t that stressful. 

At one point, Zoe griped about how Connor ate her bagel out of the toaster before she could get to it every day without fail. From what Zoe said, it seemed like all Connor did these days was eat. Well, eat and smoke. And get high.

However, she did say that he left his room, walking about the house like a halfway functioning human being.

“It is weird, though,” she said over the phone on the first day of break. “He gets all weird whenever someone mentions you. It’s like walking on eggshells because if someone says your name he goes back to hiding in his room until he gets hungry again. Did you have a fight or something?”

“I, um, I don’t know.” Evan had responded.

As much as Evan wasn’t adjusting to his Connor-less life, he was coping. He could watch TV and eat and talk to his mom without dying. 

Which was nice.

The day after Christmas, Zoe invited Evan over to see their two new cats. Although Evan wanted to avoid the Murphy house with all his might, he really couldn’t resist cats. Even though he was really more of a dog person.

Zoe opened the door with a small black kitten tucked in her arms. 

“Evan!” She greeted him, leaning into a halfway-there armless hug. “This is Binx.”

Evan awkwardly waved at the cat with a small smile. “Why Binx?”

“Well, you uncultured swine, Binx happens to be the cat from Hocus Pocus, the best Halloween movie of all time. Connor helped choose the name. Actually, Connor chose both of the names. He’s surprisingly good at choosing names, except when he suggested Nickelback spelled backwards. Come in!”

The Murphy house was like a shrine to Christmas. They had an enormous tree in the living room, decked out in thousands of baubles and ornaments and gleaming with multicolored lights. There were an infinite number of nativity scenes and nutcrackers and snow globes around the house, and there was lively Irish music playing from a speaker tucked away somewhere.

Zoe led Evan up the stairs as Binx squirmed in her arms. Evan’s heart sank when they stopped outside of Connor’s room. 

“Do you have a cat?” Zoe said too loudly.

Evan peeked inside the room, where Connor was curled on his bed with a black-and-brown mottled kitten that was sleeping on his pillow. “What’s it to you?”

“We have a guest that would like to meet Susan.”

“Tell Alana to go fuck herself.” Connor shrugged as best as he could from his horizontal position.

“It’s Evan.” Zoe crossed her arms and Evan waved from the doorway.

Connor’s frown deepened. “Take the cat.”

“Hi, Connor,” Evan offered weakly as Zoe retrieved the other cat from Connor’s bed.

Connor didn’t respond.

Zoe carried the cat out, having deposited Binx next to Connor. “This is Susan.”

Evan tentatively petted Susan, who purred and leaned her head into his hand. Evan smiled. At least if Connor was ignoring him, he had cats to entertain him. 

Zoe led Evan to her room and sat down on the bed with the kitten on her lap. Even the simple act of being in Zoe’s room made Evan’s stomach flip. The last time he had been in here…

And then Zoe had a ribbon dangling from her hand and Susan was leaping around, trying to catch it in her paws. 

Evan watched the cat jump and twist and felt his worries slip away. Zoe hummed joyously. The fairy lights shone and the quick Irish music that seeped through the door warmed Evan to the core.

Zoe’s nails were short and painted an icy blue. Her hair was loose and unbrushed. She was a picture of teenage joy and beauty. Her eyes shone with miniature constellations. 

And Evan felt okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy christmas eve to those who celebrate! Y'all this fic is such a blast pls leave kudos and comments and sub
> 
> this chapter is dedicated to HashtagHusky my new bff 
> 
> don't be like connor eat healthy even if youre struggling like mboi is
> 
> aight that is all folks


	12. you only ever touch me in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor tries to bake a cake, mistakes were made pt 2

Evan woke up to a busy house. 

Usually in the mornings the house was quiet and still, lonely and cold. 

This morning, however, the house was alive with energy. There was music playing and the lights were on.

Evan was greeted by his mother in the kitchen dancing to the radio and using a sticky spatula as a microphone as she sang along to the radio, only getting about half of the words correct as she filled in the questionable gaps with riffing and/or amateur scat singing. There was a broken egg on the floor that Evan gingerly stepped over.

“Mom?”

Heidi whirled around, grinning from ear to ear. “Evan! Guess what? We were invited to the Murphys’ New Year’s party. Isn’t that fun? I’m making brownies!”

“O-oh.” Evan nodded slowly. “Great.”

“Oh, it’ll be so much fun! I’ve been dying to meet the Murphys. Will Zoe be there, do you think?”

“Uh, probably.” Evan filled a glass of water. “She seems like the party type.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful! I’d love to meet her too.” Heidi smiled. “So, what’s on the schedule for today?”

“Uh…”

“Please get out of the house, baby. You’ve been cooped up all break. Why don’t you go for a walk or go to a friend’s house? Rachel was telling me that you haven’t been over in a while.”

If there was anything Evan didn’t want to do, it was spend the day with Jared. “Maybe.”

“Alright. But when I’m done with these brownies I want you out and about, you hear me?” Heidi pointed a spatula at her son accusingly. “I don’t want you holed up in here all day.”

Evan nodded and walked back upstairs, moving mechanically through his morning routine and pulling on a pair of sneakers. Other than Jared, he didn’t really have many friends to spend time with. And he wasn’t sure what he could do in a boring rural town in the dead of winter. Maybe he would take a walk after all.

Heidi waved and beamed as she watched Evan leave. He started walking aimlessly, down towards the pub then out to the grocery store then cut across the graveyard to get to the landing point just off of the library, where the sailboats and canoes came and went during the summer. For a year or two Evan had worked as a “lakehost” on his summer breaks, inspecting the boats that came into the lake for leaky engines or invasive plant species. It was relatively fun because there was very little responsibility and mostly entailed sitting in a chair by the lake, but towards the beginning of high school his anxiety really picked up and he couldn’t even bring himself to manage the miniscule human interaction that came with the job. Evan swiped the snow off of a small wooden bench by the man-made beach and sat, feeling the snowy residue seep into the seat of his jeans. He sat on the little bench for a while, watching the buoys bounce in the waves of the lake and watching the water flow under the thin layer of ice that had just formed on the edges of the water. Watching the flags on people’s houses flap in the wind. The bad luck house, as Evan had always called it, made for an interesting view with the hundreds of mirrors attached to the side of the house. He thought he saw someone jump in the water just off of the small wooden dock on Middle Island. Probably some drunk teenager doing a stupid dare. 

He liked coming here, second only to the orchard. Ever since Connor had taken him there, Evan found himself going back more and more often. It was peaceful in the snow, as there were only ever two sets of footprints in the snow. His and Connor’s.

A flock of small black birds flew across the sky, singing out their haunting song. Evan’s phone vibrated.

Of all of the texts he could’ve gotten, he was least expecting one from Connor.

From: Connor  
come over

From: me  
Why? I thought you were ignoring me.

From: Connor  
my psrents let me dtay at home only if you were there

From: Connor  
besides

From: Connor  
we need to talk

From: me  
I’ll start walking now.

Evan pocketed his phone. He watched as the dark clouds gathered overhead, contemplating what to do. If Connor wanted to talk, that’s what he would do. If anything else transpired… Evan didn’t really know what he would do.

Well, he did.

But he wasn’t ready to admit that yet.

So Evan stood up with one look out at the choppy grey waters of Lovell Lake and started walking. Down past the bank, through the park, cut through the elementary school’s playground, and down the long lakefront sidewalk that led to the Murphys’ house. Evan couldn’t help the lump that rose in his throat as he stood in front of the towering house, despite the cheery lights emanating from inside. Evan walked up the steps and knocked weakly on the door. Almost immediately the door swung open.

“I’m sorry,” Connor and Evan said at the same time.

Connor smiled and let Evan inside.

“There’s no reason for you to be sorry, you little shit,” Connor said. “Let me apologize first. I’m sorry for ghosting you.”

“I’m sorry for- for starting this whole, um, this whole thing.” Evan tugged his shoes off. “It was, um, really all my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Connor put a hand on the small of Evan’s back and led him into the living room. “Sit.”

Evan sat awkwardly, trying to take up as little space as possible as Connor sat opposite from him, studying his face. “What, um, what did you want to talk about?”

“What do you fucking think, Hansen?” Connor laughed. “Swear to god, you’re going to kill me someday.”

“That doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

Connor grinned. “You’re going to be the death of me, Evan Hansen.”

“I’m going to bail you out from jail some day.”

“I think we should pool our savings and buy The Potato King.”

“Um, I think we should start a-a pie business.”

“A bakery except we only sell cakes shaped like dicks.”

“Uh- um, a duck sanctuary!”

Connor put up his hands in an ‘I surrender’ position. “Okay, you win.”

“You’re the worst.”

Connor wiggled his eyebrows. “That’s not what you said last night.”

“I-I wish I’d never done it!” Evan blurted in a fit of embarrassed panic. Immediately, he felt guilty. He didn’t really mean it. Connor recoiled, collapsing in on himself. 

“Oh.”

“That, um, that wasn’t true. I don’t know why I said that.” Evan couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. “ThetruthisIreallylikeyouandImightbebisexualbutI’mdatingZoeandwecan’tjust-”

“I get it.” 

Evan realized that almost everyone would ask him to repeat what he said whenever he word-vomited like he tended to do. But not Connor. Connor always seemed to understand what he said.

“It’s just because I feel so guilty!” Evan stood up and started pacing around the living room. Connor stood up too, his hands hovering mid-air as if unsure of what to do. “Whenever I think about you, or-or us, I feel so-so guilty! And I-I feel sick to my stomach but not because I-I slept with my girlfriend’s brother but because-because…”

“Because you want to do it again.”

Evan stopped pacing and looked at Connor, who was gaunt and pale and had terrible purple bags under his eyes. Whose hair was greasy and whose skin had broken out. 

“I told you. I get it.”

Connor took Evan’s hands in his own. Evan took a shaky breath. Evan was suddenly very aware of their proximity, of the callouses on Connor’s hands and the way his breath was unsteady and quick. Then a timer went off.

“Shit!” Connor dropped Evan’s hands and ran into the kitchen. Evan followed behind him, confused about the events unfolding. Connor opened the oven and pulled out two cake pans, sticking a tester into one of the dark brown cakes and smiling at the clean tester.

“What’s this?”

Connor put the cake pans onto two handmade trivets and closed the oven door with his hip. “I, um, apology cakes?”

Evan laughed. “What?”

“I was going to make a cake and write something on it like ‘I’m sorry for sleeping with you and then ignoring you for two weeks’ and drop it on your doorstep, but I guess my plan was foiled.” Connor ran a hand through his hair. 

Evan lunged forward and pressed a kiss to Connor’s lips. “I forgive you.”

Connor cupped his hands under Evan’s chin. “Good.”

He leaned down and kissed Evan back, his thumb caressing Evan’s cheek. Evan reached up and nestled his hands in Connor’s hair. This was the turning point. Evan knew there was no coming back from this.

Connor pulled away, breathing heavily.

“Not in the kitchen,” he said softly.

They made their way down into the basement, sneaking kisses as Connor closed and locked the door behind them. The pullout couch was already set up for whatever reason, and they collapsed onto it, not willing to take the time to breathe in between kisses. Evan was hot and his body was shaking. His body didn’t even feel like it was his own, like it was driven purely by his own lust. Slowly the alarm bells in the back of his head died down and Evan’s mind short circuited, only focusing on Connor.

Evan was straddling Connor’s lap as hands found their way underneath Evan’s shirt, clawing at his back as Connor desperately tried to pull them closer together.

Evan’s heart beat at speeds previously unmatched. Connor’s teeth grazed Evan’s bottom lip and Evan’s breathing hitched. There was no sense of regret in his mind as Connor kissed down his neck and nipped softly at his collarbone.

And Evan didn’t want to think. He just wanted to feel. 

“Evan,” Connor murmured against the skin of his neck.

And then their clothes were off and thinking was the last thing on their minds.

 

~

 

Evan sat on the edge of the couch, pulling his shirt on and wincing as the fabric fell over the tender bite marks adorning his chest. 

He knew he should feel bad, but he really didn’t.

“Connor?” 

“Yeah?” Evan could hear Connor shifting behind him, the springs of the pullout couch squeaking.

“Why, um, why did you ignore me?” Evan asked. 

Connor was quiet. “I, uh… I don’t know. It just- it felt like the only way to keep you from abandoning me, I guess. If I just pretended nothing had ever happened you wouldn’t let me go.”

“But-”

“I know it was stupid!” Connor blurted. “I can’t fucking explain it. But my fucked up brain convinced me that if I just… ignored you, everything would go back to normal.”

“I’m not going to abandon you.” Evan turned around to face Connor, who was sitting with his knees tucked up to his chest, and put a hand over his. “Promise.”

Connor smiled.

“We, I mean, this-”

“Yeah, yeah.” Connor said sort of absently. “Casual sex.”

“That wasn’t-”

“Yeah, but that’s what you were thinking, and that’s what this should be. You’re dating my sister. This shouldn’t even be happening in the first place.”

“But-”

“Won’t happen again, yada yada. I know.”

“LETMETALK!” Evan slapped a hand over his mouth. “IamsosorrythatwassooutoflineIshouldn’thavesaidthat!”

Connor laughed breathily. “Oh my god. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Evan blushed. “Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. I was almost impressed.” 

“Oh.” Evan smiled. “Good.”

Connor shook his head, a grin stretching across his face. “You’re going to be the death of me, Evan Hansen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Evan's life right now is that vine that's like "i don't know, just lately i haven't been able to think straight (balls, weiner, two dudes holding hands, etc)"
> 
> once is a really good musical and an okay movie
> 
> im going to see the new star wars this weekend tell me what y'all thought
> 
> so who's ready for more smexy times bc i am yayyy virgins put your sin-free hands in the air like you just don't care
> 
> kudos and comment and sub bc tis the season for my mom's yorkshire pudding yay


	13. only if we’re drinking, can you see my spark?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New year, new me

Connor took up almost all of the couch.

Between his long legs and the way he was angled and his absolute persistence to take up as much room as possible on the pullout couch, Evan pretty much had no choice but to have either Connor’s head or feet in his lap.

He chose feet.

“So I ended up watching all these videos from these guys at the Globe Theater, you know, the new one in London? Not the one in Georgia. But they have all these videos about how they put on productions of Shakespeare in original pronunciation and of course, I love accents, so naturally I had to learn it.”

Evan watched fondly as Connor ranted, waving his hands with his eyes shining in that way that they only did when he was talking about something he loved, his hair messy from Evan’s hands twisting and pulling and running through it-

“And then Mr. Marcum came over and wanted to see what I was doing so I had to pretend to be asleep.” Connor laughed and shrugged. “I mean, how do you explain that you’re trying to learn how to recite Shakespeare in original pronunciation?”

“Well…” Evan bit his lip. “I think you need to recite some for me.”

Connor buried his head in his hands. “Nooo!”

“You can’t just say things like that and-and then not expect me to ask!”

“Fine.” Connor pretended to look annoyed, but Evan could tell he was secretly pleased to show off his hidden talent. “But you’re not allowed to laugh.”

Connor took a deep breath and sat up straighter. “O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!”

Already Evan was dumbstruck. As Connor spoke, his voice dropped and became more gravelly, more earthy, than the high and singsongy way of speaking he had grown so accustomed to. 

“The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.  
Happy is Hermia, wheresoe'er she lies;  
For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.   
How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:  
If so, my eyes are oftener wash'd than hers.  
No, no, I am as ugly as a bear;  
For beasts that meet me run away for fear:  
Therefore no marvel though Demetrius   
Do, as a monster fly my presence thus.  
What wicked and dissembling glass of mine  
Made me compare with Hermia's sphery eyne?  
But who is here? Lysander! on the ground!  
Dead? or asleep? I see no blood, no wound.  
Lysander if you live, good sir, awake!” 

Connor poked Evan as he urged him, Lysander, to wake up. Evan, still in awe of the performance, clapped gleefully. “That was amazing!”

And it really was. Connor spoke from the heart as he monologued about unrequited love. He played the character of Helena about as well as a teenage boy possibly could. Evan couldn’t fight the grin that spread across his face. 

“How do you know so much Shakespeare? That was so cool!”

Connor dramatically flipped his hair over his shoulder. “I’m a genius.”

Evan laughed. “Okay.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” Connor began, reaching out to stroke Evan’s face, smiling. “Thou art more lovely and more temperate.   
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date.  
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And often is his gold complexion dimmed.  
And every fair from fair sometimes declines,  
By- um. Ah, shit.”

Evan snickered. “Genius.”

“Shut up, Hansen.” 

Evan leaned down from his sitting position so that he was lying next to Connor, their arms pressed together in a way that should’ve been uncomfortable but wasn’t. Connor put an arm around Evan’s shoulders.

“I’m just saying, that’s one of-of the most known Shakespearean sonnets,” Evan teased.

“Careful, or I’ll put you in a headlock.” Connor tightened his grip around Evan’s shoulders, making Evan squeak and shimmy out from under his grasp.

Connor lunged forward and jabbed at Evan’s sides, tickling him relentlessly. 

“Connor!” Evan screeched between fits of giggles. “This is unfair use of-of tickling privileges!”

“Oh, really?” Connor asked smugly. “And what are they?”

“There, um, there are none!”

“Well, I’ve always been a rebel.” 

Connor eventually gave up his pointless pursuit when Evan accidentally kicked him in the shin, which Evan apologized profusely for, but Connor assured him it didn’t hurt that much.

So they were cuddling on the couch as Connor tried to explain the true pain of dance and how fucking annoying it was when you knew all the moves and fucking Patricia who got to stand in the front row because she was popular and didn’t look like a rejected Halloween decoration didn’t fucking know anything, and why wouldn’t Marianne move the people who actually knew how to move their bodies like a semi-living human being to the front?.

And then Evan and Connor snuck upstairs and ate uniced and still warm slices of chocolate cake with their bare hands in the kitchen as Evan tried to sneak kisses when Connor wasn’t paying attention. 

Connor was trying to teach Evan how to braid hair and congratulating every successful attempt with a chocolatey kiss when the front door opened. Connor froze, and Evan could see his shoulders tense. 

“Connor? Where are you?” Cynthia called out from the foyer.

Connor cleared his throat awkwardly. “I’m, uh, in the kitchen.”

Evan dropped his hands from Connor’s hair with much difficulty. Cynthia ducked into the kitchen with Larry following close behind. 

“Oh, hello, Evan. I didn’t know you would be here.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “You literally made me invite him over because you still won’t leave me alone.”

“Well, it’s still nice to see you.” Cynthia squinted at the attempted braid on the side of Connor’s head. “What happened to you hair, sweetie?”

“Oh. I was trying to teach Evan to braid.” Connor reached up and felt the messy braid and winced. “I guess I’m a worse teacher than I thought.”

“Sorry!” Evan protested. “But it’s hard!”

“That’s what she said.”

“CONNOR!” Both Cynthia and Larry snapped. 

“That kind of talk is not appropriate for our guest,” Larry said sternly.

If only they had heard what kind of stuff he was saying earlier, Evan thought. 

Connor scoffed. “Evan doesn’t mind.”

Evan could feel his face heat up. “Don’t bring me into this,” he whispered.

“Okay.” Connor laughed. “C’mon, we’re taking the cake and going back to the basement. Nice talking to ya.”

Connor grabbed the cake pans and Evan’s wrist and dragged him out of the kitchen. Evan attempted a wave back at Connor’s parents but was out of the kitchen before he knew it.

Evan sat back down on the couch where he had just recently been tickled, recited Shakespeare to, and had… Evan didn’t really want to say it, even just in his own head. Maybe Evan was fine with a little crude language, but he had to draw the line somewhere.

Connor leaned into Evan’s side. “If they think that’s what inappropriate language is, I might just give them an aneurism if they ever talk to me for more than five minutes.”

Evan laughed.

 

~

 

“Brush your hair, Evan.” 

Heidi bustled around the house, reapplying lipstick and checking that everything she needed was in her purse and fussing over Evan all at the same time.

Evan nodded and dutifully headed into the bathroom to brush his hair for the third time that night. 

Finally, Heidi was satisfied and hustled her son into the car with a tray of brownies. “Now, remember. Only on your best behavior for the Murphys.”

Evan nodded.

“So, what are your goals for the new year?” Heidi asked excitedly. “I’m thinking I want to exercise more.”

“Um…” Don’t say anything about Connor. Or Zoe. “Talk to more people at school.”

“That sounds great! Maybe you’ll make more friends that way. That’s how you became friends with Connor, right?”

Actually, he threw a cup of pencils at my face and then apologized the next day and took me out for burgers, Evan thought. “Ye-yeah.”

Heidi parked next to the sidewalk by the Murphys’ house, where cars were lined up in their driveway and spilling onto the street. Evan and his mom walked up to the door, and Evan was expecting Cynthia answer it like she always did. He was certainly shocked when Connor opened the door.

“Evan!” Connor beamed at him, his eyes flickering up to Heidi. “Hi, Mrs. Hansen.”

“Heidi will do just fine.” She extended a hand, and Connor shook it. “Happy New Year’s.”

Connor looked relatively terrified of Heidi. “Uh-yeah. Happy New Year’s.”

“What, um, what are people doing in there?”

“You know, eating. Small talk.” Connor elbowed Evan, making him squeak embarrassingly. “Drinking.”

“I’d really appreciate it if my son did not drink,” Heidi interjected.

“Sure.” Connor grabbed Evan’s hand and spun him, ballroom style, making him stumble and fall, only for Connor to mouth ‘shit’ and catch him before he hit the ground. “C’mon, Ev. We’re playing Cards Against Humanity in the den. Nice meeting you, Mrs. Ha- Heidi.”

Evan followed Connor, waving to his mother and shrugging when she glanced at him with a confused look on her face. 

All the poor, bored teenagers that were dragged to the party by their parents sat in the den, huddled around a coffee table strewn with black and white cards. 

 

“Someone deal Evan in,” Connor said, taking a seat on the couch. Evan sat next to him. 

Alana gave Evan a hand of ten cards. He blushed red at some of the cards. In what circumstance could he possibly use ‘one tit hanging out’ or ‘eating a hard-boiled egg out of my husband’s asshole’? 

“Arby’s: we have the… blank,” Zoe read, slapping the black card down on the table.

Evan searched frantically for ‘meats’ in his hand but couldn’t find it anywhere. 

“It’s like Apples To Apples,” Connor whispered. “Put down whatever card you think is the funniest.”

Evan put down ‘The Kool-Aid Man’.

Connor won with ‘man meat’, although everyone did have a blast shouting “OH YEEEAAH” as loud as they could when Evan’s card was read.

And the game continued. At one point, Jared snuck in a handful of red cups and a bottle of wine he had stolen from the refreshments table. 

Connor took a sip from his cup, ignoring the fact that wine really shouldn’t be drunk out of plastic cups. “Irish Catholics know how to party, dude.”

Jared wrinkled his nose. “It tastes like manischewitz.” 

“Who the fuck put down ‘NBA star Lebron James’ for ‘How I lost my virginity’?” Zoe interrupted.

Alana raised a hand, giggling madly. “Lucky me.”

“You win.” Zoe threw the black card at her. “That was an even better answer than ‘A Super Soaker full of cat piss’.”

“Really? Damn.” Connor shook his head. “I thought that was a surefire winner.”

Evan grinned. Zoe and Connor seemed to be in their element, making crass jokes and laughing about things Evan had never even heard of. They truly seemed like siblings in the moment. 

From the living room, the drunken adults all started counting down from twenty. 

Alana whooped. “2018!”

“Let’s hope it’s not a flaming garbage fire!” Jared yelled, equally as enthusiastic. 

As the adults got louder and louder, the teens joined in with their countdown.

“TEN!”

He knew the tradition. He had to kiss Zoe, at midnight, in front of everyone.

“NINE!”

Connor looked distressed. He hid his face behind his cup, but Evan could see the furrow of his brow.

“EIGHT!”

Zoe was dancing in her seat to whatever song was playing over the stereo.

“SEVEN!”

Evan scooted over, hopefully subtly, to where she was sitting.

“SIX!”

They shared a knowing look.

“FIVE!”

A grin stretched across Zoe’s face.

“FOUR!”

Zoe moved so she was sitting next to Evan.

“THREE!”

They were so close now, Evan could feel Zoe’s breath on his face.

“TWO!”

Out of the corner of his eye, Evan could see Connor lift his cup and drink.

“ONE!”

Zoe leaned forward and pressed her lips to Evan’s. 

The house erupted into cheers as people greeted the new year. Evan had almost forgotten how… how nice it was to kiss Zoe. Her lips were always soft and she was gentle, even if she tasted like grossly sweet manischewitz wine. They pulled away, smiles on their faces. In the corner of the den, Connor set his now-empty cup on the coffee table, a look on his face like he had tasted something bitter. 

“Happy 2018, everyone!” Alana said gleefully. “This’ll be our year, I promise it.”

“Oh, don’t kid yourself.” Connor gestured with the wine bottle before filling his cup to the brim. “This year is going to be a fucking mess and we’re all going to die. Just face the facts that life sucks and everything will seem better.” 

Connor took a long, drawn out sip of wine. “Mmm-mm, happy grape water. Go fuck yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy early new year!
> 
> I’m on my way to see the new Star Wars movie yay
> 
> HashtagHusky you’re my pal
> 
> If anyone draws any fanart Of this But especially of Connor chugging wine as Evan and Zoe make out you will be my fav forever
> 
> Kudos and comment fun things and sub and all that


	14. only in the evening will you give yourself to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sibling rivalries.

“Yeah. So I bring my axe up, just like how you’re supposed to, and swing down to hit the log.” Connor paused his story to take a sip of his milkshake. “The problem is, I miss the fucking thing and the axe takes a few splinters off of the log and goes right between my legs.”

Evan put a shocked hand up to his mouth, trying to hide his laughter. 

“Now, I don’t even notice it at first. Because I have zero pain receptors. So I shrug it off and move the log and keep chopping. And this fucking dude- I don’t even know who this guy is- but he keeps yelling ‘hey! Princess hair!’ and of course I don’t think it’s me because I don’t know this guy and there are a bunch of girls with beautiful hair around me also chopping logs. But this guy keeps yelling for ‘princess hair’ and eventually I turn around to see what this guy’s deal is, right? And he points at my leg and goes, ‘you’re bleeding’.” Connor laughed at the memory. “So I look down and my right calf is positively gushing blood, and so naturally, during my CIT training, I look at my leg, then up to my axe, then down at my leg again, and just go ‘shit’.” Connor shrugged. “Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.”

“Oh my god. Did you have to go to the hospital?”

“Nah.” Connor pulled up his right pant leg and propped his leg on the table, earning him a dirty look from the waitress. “It was a really shallow cut, so they just gave me a gauze pad and sent me on my way. I still have a scar though, see?”

Evan ran a finger over the thin white line that stretched horizontally across Connor’s calf. “I don’t have any good scar stories. I, um, I have a lot of scars on my toes from dropping rocks on them, though.”

Connor pulled his leg off the table. “In what situation were you just dropping rocks on your feet all willy-nilly?”

“Well, um, you know Middle Island?”

“Of course I fucking do, Hansen.”

“Well, it’s eroding at an alarming rate because, um, m-motor boats always circle around it? And it’s a huge problem because it’s eroded almost a foot in the past ten years which is very much and not good, and so me and the EC-”

“EC?” 

“Environmental Coalition,” Evan explained. “They have meetings at town hall on Saturdays if you’re interested. So I went with the EC and we took big rocks from the bottom of the lake to stack on, um, on the shore because we couldn’t get a permit to use cement to reinforce the problem areas of the island, and, um, I guess I dropped a lot of rocks on my feet.”

“How big were the rocks?” Connor stole a fry from Evan’s plate, despite his own serving of fries with his own meal. “Like, pebbles or boulders?”

“Uh- good sized rocks. Maybe the size of like, um... a rabbit-ear TV?”

“Holy shit, man. And you dropped that on your foot?”

“It’s fine. I mean, it was in the water, so it didn’t hurt tha-that much.”

Connor held up a hand. “We both can’t feel pain. Sweet.”

Evan took Connor’s hand, and instead of dropping it like a normal pact-sealing handshake, he found himself holding onto Connor’s hand for a little too long. Craving his touch, no matter how small or insignificant. 

The bell above the door jingled, and Evan looked up to see Zoe sashaying into the diner. He dropped Connor’s hand. 

“Evan!” Zoe lit up when she saw her boyfriend. She slid into the booth next to Evan. “What are you doing here?”

“I, um, I could ask you the same thing,” Evan replied not-so-smoothly.

“Okay, suave man. I was hungry and in the area.” Zoe shrugged. “What are y’all doing?”

 

“Same thing,” Connor took a bite of his hamburger. “I like wasting Larry’s money.”

Evan opened his mouth to protest, but Connor cut him off by pressing the tips of his fingers to Evan’s lips, which effectively shut him up for quite a while. “You deserve it more than he does.”

“You deserve it more than GunsForOrphans.com,” Zoe interjected.

The siblings both cracked up at that one, and Evan got the feeling it was an inside joke he wouldn’t be able to understand if he tried.

“Available only at GunsForOrphans.com sponsored theme parks!” Connor said through fits of giggles.

Evan patiently waited for them to stop laughing. His lips burned where Connor had touched them. 

“Hey, did I tell you what Grace said the other day?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Please, pray tell.”

“Fine, I will.” Zoe crossed her arms. “She was talking about how at her old school, they had a knitting club. She wants to start one here. And I told her that you used to knit and that maybe you would be interested!”

“Why the fuck would you say that?” Connor said harshly. “I don’t want to join a shitty knitting club and I don’t want you fucking volunteering me for things all over the school.”

“Con-”

“Oh, well I figured since you have two whole fucking friends that you wouldn’t be mad at maybe one more,” Zoe countered. 

“So now you know everything about me? Fuck you!”

“Maybe I would be able to know things about you if you talked to me like a civilized human being for once instead of screaming at me all the time!” Zoe argued. “All you do is make people feel like shit and then hurt them even more when they call you out on it!”

“Well maybe if you weren’t such a bitch all the time-“

“Oh, I’m the bitch? You self-centered, egotistical piece of psycho trash!”

“Zo-“

Connor’s face was twisted into an impossible mask of emotion. “You don’t get it! You don’t understand what it’s like to constantly be compared to Zoe fucking Murphy, the purest being in the world! Next to you, I’m a shithead they picked up off the street who should’ve offed himself years ago!”

“Oh, I don’t get it? I don’t fucking get it?” Zoe yelled. By now, the entire wait staff at The Potato King was watching the situation unfold with rapture. “You don’t get what it’s like to live in your fucking shadow because I have to be perfect to make up for every perfectly good thing you fucked up!”

“You know what? Go fuck yourself. I’m out.” Connor stood up and stormed out from the table. Zoe got up and ran after him as Evan watched in abject horror.

“Don’t you dare, Connor Eoghan Padraig Murphy!”

Connor whipped around to face his sister, fire in his eyes. “I already have one mother, Zoe Donncha Murphy. I don’t need another.” With that, he left the restaurant, his face a stony mockery of the laughing teenager Evan knew.

Zoe set her jaw and followed him out of the diner. The bell above the door jingled wildly. Evan sat with his mouth open, his vocal chords failing him.

One of the waitresses came over to the table. “Is everything okay?” She asked worriedly.

“I- uh, I need to go!” Evan fumbled for a twenty dollar bill and slapped it on the table. “I’msosorryI’llcomebackandpaymorelaterI’msorry!”

And he was out the door.

Both Zoe and Connor were gone, somehow. There was something about the siblings that let them disappear at any time if they wished. Maybe they were descended from Houdini or something. 

Evan started to run.

His mind went faster and faster, tripping over itself and spiraling into a terrifying tornado of fear. Someone kept pushing the ‘faster’ button on the treadmill inside his brain and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep running. 

His breathing had long fallen out, only coming in rasping gasps as his legs moved faster and faster across the snow. There was a pair of middle schoolers smoking a joint in the graveyard that stopped and gaped as he ran through the maze of headstones, each name seeming to reflect his failures in his eyes. Evan wasn’t sure when he had started crying, but the salty tears on his cheeks made their home there and wouldn’t leave. 

Of course it wasn’t his fault. Zoe and Connor’s sibling troubles were in no way because of him, but maybe if Evan had tried just a little bit harder? If he had kept trying to get Zoe to forgive her brother or if he had tried harder to get Connor to talk to her. And now Evan was alone in a goddamn graveyard because at some point his legs had given out and collapsed into the snow. And he couldn’t help but think it was all his fault.

“Hey, uh… are you okay?”

Evan looked up with watery eyes to the two middle schoolers who had walked over to him and were now looking in concern at him, a joint smoking in the hand of the blonde. 

The blonde girl shared a nervous glance with short blue-haired girl. “Do you want us to get help or something?” Blue-hair said.

Evan didn’t respond, just tried to calm his racing mind. His breath came in ragged bursts and his knees were frozen from the snow soaking into his jeans. He had forgotten to take his meds this morning and now he really regretted it. He needed his pills. Did he have his pills with him?

“Can he, like, not hear us?” The blonde said. “Should we call an ambulance?”

Yes, he had his meds. His mother had put a ziplock bag of emergency meds in his jacket pocket. Evan fumbled for the zipper of his pocket, his hands numb and shaking from the cold. He pulled out the small baggie and with some difficulty, fumbled to open the bag.

“No!” Blue-hair yelled. “We’re just going to call 911 or something, okay? Don’t take the pills!”

“I need them,” Evan managed to croak out. “I-I have anxietyandIneedthemtocalmdownpleasedon’tcall911!”

With a shaking hand, he dry-swallowed a single pill. Evan put a hand on a nearby gravestone to steady himself and stood up, black spots swimming before his eyes. He also hadn’t drunk any water. This really was not an ideal situation.

“Where- did you see anyone come through here?” Evan asked, trying to blink tears from his eyes. “Tall, brown hair, um… long hair, wears dark clothes?”

“Who is he, your boyfriend?” Blue-hair said with a laugh. Blonde elbowed her. “I mean, why?”

“I, um, I need to see him.”

“He went down by the lake.” Blonde said. “Don’t tell anybody we were out here, okay? We’re already, like, in hot water already.”

Evan nodded. “Tha-thank you.”

Evan walked down to the shore, where the ice had melted on one warm day and left the gray waves lapping at the sand. Nobody. Evan walked the perimeter of the lake, his frozen hands crammed in his pockets for some sort of semblance of warmth. From across the water he could hear someone singing.

Desperate for any lead, Evan picked up speed, darting through overgrown forest and underdeveloped streets to the source of the sound. His heart beat so fast Evan was afraid he was going to have a heart attack before he even found Connor.

Then he saw it. Standing at the end of a wooden dock was Connor, singing softly into the water. Evan ran towards him. The snow crunched underneath his feet and made a terrible racket, but Connor didn’t seem to care. 

Evan couldn’t tell what he was singing. It was a high and lilting tune that sounded like it should’ve been fast and exciting, but Connor was singing as if it were a funeral dirge. 

“Connor?”

He turned around to face Evan. A smile split across his face. 

“Evan.”

Connor took a step back on the dock, his feet dangerously close from the edge.

“Connor, what are you doing?”

Connor’s smile wavered but didn’t fall, twitching as if the corners of his mouth were pinned up. And Evan watched, frozen in time, as Connor took one more step back and tumbled into the frigid water.

The world seemed to slow. Connor’s name seemed to be ripped from Evan’s mouth as he ran to the edge of the dock, the dark water icy and tumultuous. Evan could see flashes of Connor’s skin beneath the surface of the water as the current moved him to and fro. Slowly, Connor’s pale form floated limply to the surface. Evan grabbed at anything he could reach, trying to pull him from the water. Nothing seemed real and everything was cold. Connor was definitely aware of what was happening, but he stayed limp in Evan’s arms as if he had simply just given up. With much difficulty, Evan got Connor onto the dock, where he promptly collapsed into Evan’s arms.

Connor was shivering wildly as water dripped off of his clothes where it collected on the cold wood of the dock in large pools. Evan hoisted Connor up and slowly walked into the woods, his mind racing on how he could feasibly get them to safety. Then, like a miracle, Evan spotted Connor’s car parked in a small clearing. Evan fumbled to open the passenger door and placed Connor in the seat as best as he could before climbing into the driver’s seat.

Technically, Evan could drive. He had passed his driver’s tests and done everything he needed to in order to be able to get his driver’s license. He never did, however, because he found that more often than not, driving gave him anxiety attacks and at the very least made him unstable for the rest of the day. 

But considering Evan already felt like he could drop at any moment, he decided to soldier through the crippling anxiety that had hijacked his mind and tried to pull the car out of the forest. It was difficult for an inexperienced driver whose hands were currently shaking violently to navigate a strange car through a forest, but Evan made it onto the main road with minimal casualties. 

Casualties, of course, being various plants and saplings.

Connor shivered in the passenger seat, his eyes shut tight and his lips blue. Without even thinking of it, Evan found himself on the road to his own house. He was in the process of turning around to go to the Murphys’, where he would have a change of clothes and a warm bed, when Connor opened his eyes and looked out the window, smiling softly when he saw Evan’s house before closing his eyes again. So Evan pulled into the driveway and prayed his mom wasn’t home. 

Evan pulled Connor out of the car and practically carried him inside. The house, thankfully, was empty and cold, which was good for Evan but presented another issue for Connor. Evan laid Connor on the couch (he would find some way to dry it off later) and darted about the house, trying to find ways he could possibly make it warmer. Then came a bigger issue. Evan had taken emergency preparedness courses for as long as he could remember. The most important thing they told people about hypothermia was “cotton kills”. That was always what had been drilled into his head; “cotton kills”.

And joy of joys, Connor was wearing cotton.

So somehow he needed to get Connor, who had chosen to go completely limp for whatever reason, in entirely new clothes. 

Evan searched through his drawers to try and find something that would fit Connor. There wasn’t much that could feasibly fit him, but he scavenged up some clothes along with a pair of oversized pajama bottoms that might not entirely fit like baby clothes on his tall and lanky frame.

Connor was lying in the fetal position on the couch and staring at a spot on the wall blankly.

“Connor,” Evan said softly. “You need to-to change out of those clothes. They’re wet, and-and you could get hypothermia.”

Without a word, Connor grabbed the clothes from Evan’s hands, stood up, and left Evan alone in the living room. Evan sat in shock on the couch. The day’s events had gone too fast for him to process. 

Once Connor was okay, he was going to have a long talk with him and Zoe about what on earth that was all about.

Evan looked up to see Connor standing in the doorway of the living room, wearing Evan’s too-small clothes and shivering slightly less than he was before.

Connor sat down next to Evan, staring down at the floor. Refusing to look at Evan, refusing to speak.

Evan took Connor’s hand in his own. 

“She’s right,” Connor whispered.

Evan turned to face him. “What?”

“All I do is make people feel like shit.” Connor’s voice wavered. “And I don’t want to anymore.”

And Evan, for all his bravado, had no idea what to do. So they sat in silence, gripping onto each other’s hands like a lifeboat keeping them afloat on a stormy ocean.

Just trying to stay above the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy happy new year! Let's not totally fuck up 2018, yeah? did u know that january second is mew year's day for cats? I didn't but now I do. ye 
> 
> also my dad's making me put on shoes for our new years party and i reeeaaallllyyy dont want to im not ringing in the new year with sweaty feet pops you must be joking


	15. 'cause the night is your woman, and she'll set you free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mental illness is a thing, guys

Connor’s hands were bony and thin and his fingers were too long. His thin, paper-like skin stretched over his skeletal hands like the top of a drum. If Evan looked closely, he could see the latticework of blue veins swirl together in a psychedelic maze of greyish blues and reds and yellows.

His long, skeleton fingers intertwined with Evan’s as they walked through the orchard. The sun was warm on their faces and the snow crunched underneath Evan’s feet as he walked. 

Their hands fit perfectly together.

In Connor’s left hand he held a small silver ring that he slipped on and off of his fingers in a mindless, mechanical way. 

Evan smiled. It was a beautiful day. For the first time in however long it had been, his heart was beating steadily and the constant hum of anxiety was gone, leaving his head feeling clean and quiet, like an empty hotel lobby in the early morning.

“I was thinking we should get ice cream,” Connor said, breaking the clear silence of the afternoon. “There’s this wonderful place down the road that makes their own hot fudge. It’s amazing.”

Evan looked up at him. Connor, like always, looked perfect, his hair blowing gently in the breeze and his eyes sparkling in the sun. But something was wrong.

Evan could feel it building in his gut, a dark spot of danger that grew and festered, but he didn’t know what was wrong. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

He could feel his breathing falter and his heart rate pick up and something was awfully, terribly wrong, but he didn’t know what it was. Evan could feel the world spin out of control and his knees gave out, only to have a hand on his arm holding him up as the dark terror in his chest enveloped him.

“Is everything okay?” Connor asked.

Evan, once again, looked at Connor. Beautiful, strong, amazing Connor.

Who wasn’t even real.

The sun, which shone in Evan’s eyes and warmed the air, didn’t cast shadows on Connor’s face. His paper-thin, skeletal fingers were too light and too intangible. If Evan looked closely, Connor’s face warped and twisted under his gaze, his freckles blinking in and out of reality and his eyes ever-so-subtly changing hues.

The way he held himself was different, too.

Not different. Wrong.

This Connor’s height, which had always been a source of discomfort and embarrassment, was instead worn outwardly, almost proudly. His back was straight and he squared his shoulders as if he were ready to take on the world. 

“Is everything okay?” Connor repeated, like a broken record. He smiled a two-dimensional smile and gave Evan’s arm a reassuring squeeze that he couldn’t even feel. 

If Evan really stared, he could see the trees through Connor’s translucent eyes, like a bad cardboard cutout. Not real.

An approximation of a human.

The small silver ring Connor worried between his fingers had dropped to the ground, dull and lifeless like its owner. The fake Connor let go of Evan’s hand, and Evan realized how cold his fingers had been against his skin. He knelt down to pick up the ring and looked up at Evan, his clear eyes gleaming with something almost like malice. 

Evan woke up in a cold sweat. 

 

~

 

From: Connor  
Come over now.

Immediately Evan knew something was off. Connor never used proper punctuation and grammar in his texts; most of the time he had spelling mistakes galore because he never paid attention to autocorrect. 

From: Connor  
Now, Hansen.

Alright, that was certainly an indicator of badness. If there was one thing Connor Murphy didn’t do, other than participate in mandatory gym class activities, it was use commas correctly. Evan pulled on his winter coat and gloves and hurried out the door, speed-walking down the road to the Murphys’ house. 

There was no way this would be good. Connor was going to break up with him- well, not really given as they weren’t dating in the first place- or he had told Zoe everything… or something.

Evan watched as his breath puffed from his mouth like a dragon’s smoke. The snow had already turned gray and gross from rain and pollution and people walking on it. The light layer of snow over the roads and sidewalks had been washed away, leaving the ground icy and hard to walk on without slipping every five steps. 

Evan thought back to the psychology classes he had taken over the summer. What could his dream mean? What would Freud say? 

Probably that he was a failure with an oedipus complex that stemmed from early childhood trauma. Which was sort of accurate, minus the oedipus complex bit.

Evan was so caught up with the psychoanalysis of his own dream that he almost passed Connor’s house. In fact, he had almost gotten to the end of the road without realizing that he was heading directly toward Wolfeboro.

When Evan knocked on the Murphys’ door, Connor swung the door open immediately.

“H-hey. What’s up?”

Connor pulled Evan inside roughly by the wrist, slamming the door behind him. “Why are you doing this?”

Evan would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared of the look in Connor’s eyes. It wasn’t at all like the malice he had seen in fake Connor; no, this was a terrified anger. Broken and scared and enraged. “What?”

“You’re trying to get rid of me.” Connor narrowed his eyes. “You’ve been spending more and more time with Zoe and Jared and even fucking Alana because you’re trying to abandon me!”

 

“Alana’s tutoring me in Spanish!” Evan protested.

“It doesn’t matter! I’m just a fucking burden on your life and you want to get rid of me!” 

“That’s not true!” Evan reached out a hand to try and comfort Connor, who jerked his arm away as soon as Evan’s fingertips brushed his skin. “You-you’re my best friend, Connor. And-and I really like you. I would never abandon you.” 

“You’re a liar.” Connor turned away from Evan, pacing the foyer and scratching at his inner arm furiously. “You’re a fucking liar and a traitor. You’re just going to tell everyone, aren’t you?” Connor whirled around, glaring at Evan with a fire in his eyes. “You’re going to tell everyone how you fucked crazy Connor Murphy and then dumped him, isn’t that right?”

“No, I-”

“I thought you were different, Evan. I’m just fucking empty inside and you were what was supposed to fix me! And- and I thought you had filled the hole but then you turn around and talk to Jared about- about us, and, and-”

“That wasn’t- Jared just likes to gossip! Half of what he says are lies!” Evan took a deep breath and tried to calm down. “Connor. Where’s the rest of your family?”

“They all left to go to a concert because EVERYONE FUCKING ABANDONS ME!” Connor took a step forward. Evan stumbled backwards, putting a hand on the door for stability. Connor grabbed a small ceramic bowl of potpourri from one of the many side tables and flung it against the wall, shards of porcelain and bits of dried spices ricocheting around the entryway. “DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE LEAVE!”

He picked up a small mug and hurled it across the room, his face twisted into a portrait of anger Evan could barely recognize. As soon as the mug hit the wall, however, Connor seemed to shatter along with it, sinking to his knees in the center of the mess and curling into as small of a ball as humanly possible. 

Evan stood, frozen in the doorway, waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Connor to get up and tell him to fuck off, or to stay forever, or do something, anything but lie helpless in the middle of the floor with his back spasming from sobs.

And Evan knew that this was the Connor that shoved people in the hallway and cussed out teachers because he couldn’t stand to have his darkest parts highlighted for the world to see. 

Wasn’t that what Evan told himself every morning as he climbed the stairs to his first classes? Just slam on the break; don’t lead with the worst of you.

And this was the worst of Connor.

Evan knelt next to him. “Are, um-”

“No, I’m not fucking okay.” Despite the harsh words, Connor’s voice quaked with each breath. 

“What do you need?”

“You were supposed to be perfect, Evan.” Connor said shakily. “I’m nothing and you… you were supposed to fix it.”

Evan felt his breath catch somewhere deep in his throat. Evan, no anxiety novice, knew how damaging it was to have your own brain berate you every hour of the day. However, there was something that tore him apart from somewhere deep down in his gut to have someone else confirm what he already thought. He was supposed to be good and he had failed. He was supposed to help other people, for god’s sake. 

He had failed.

“Connor, please. Just-just tell me what you need.” Evan put a gentle hand on Connor’s back. He didn’t flinch away, but Evan could see his chest deflate at the touch. 

“Just… stay.” Connor lifted his head and Evan couldn’t help but examine his eyes, to make sure they were full and real and not eerily translucent like in his dream. His eyes were glazed over and empty-looking, but they were real. Connor was real. He was real and broken and human and Evan had never appreciated it more. 

So he stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey reeeallly short chapter but I wanted to highlight more the extent of Connor's mental illness. The song for this chapter is And So It Goes by Billy Joel. like comment and subbbbb bc i'm procrastinating on my homework for this shit


	16. you're too proud to say that you made a mistake, you're a coward 'till the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wants to own up.

On Wednesday, Zoe ambushed Evan outside of his locker just as he was packing up to leave. Although it was early January, it was warm (33 degrees, which was warm from the perspective of New England winter) and Evan was looking forward to a pleasant walk home early enough so that there were enough people on the sidewalk with him so he didn’t have to worry about nobody hearing him scream if he got mugged but few enough people so that they didn’t talk so loud he couldn’t hear his thoughts.

But Zoe had other plans.

“Connor wants to invite you to a thing with us tonight. You free?” Zoe put up a finger as if telling Evan to wait. “Hold up, shit. He said not to tell you he invited you. My parents want to invite you over to dinner tonight.”

“Why?” Evan wrestled his english binder into his small backpack. “What’s happening tonight?”

 

“Oh. Well, it’s epiphany, which I guess is a Christian thing and you’re Jewish, but we’re going to make a king’s cake with actual food instead of shitty whole 30 stuff and Connor- I mean my parents- wanted to see you again.” Zoe shrugged and leaned against the wall of lockers. “So, whaddya say?”

“Uh… sure.” Evan really didn’t want to see Connor. Saturday had been Connor’s breakdown and Monday marked the date of an enthusiastic makeout session interrupted by Evan’s mom pulling into the driveway, when they sprung apart and pretended that it was perfectly normal for two teenage boys to be sitting that close on a couch. “What time?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe come over at six or something?” From down the hallway, Alana yelled something, making Zoe smile softly. She pressed a quick kiss to Evan’s cheek. “Just come and I’ve got to go bye!”

And then Evan was alone at his locker after another encounter with the human whirlwind that was Zoe Murphy. 

Evan walked home in the warm winter weather with his head ringing. He hadn’t had a family dinner with the Murphys since before the incident (Evan had taken to calling his first foray with Connor -you know, sexually- after the jazz band party “the incident” as it sounded much more dramatic and a lot less dirty). Could he really sit at the same table with Connor and Zoe’s parents after seeing both of them naked? Probably not. Granted, seeing Zoe naked had been an accident after he had slept over at her house and she walked out of the shower singing very impressive high notes. Evan had never forgotten the occasion and never let her live down the fact that why was she singing alto in the choir when she was clearly a soprano? 

Instead of his mother, Evan was greeted by a sticky note on the fridge when he got home. “I’ll be working late tonight. Make sure you finish your homework and eat something at least a little bit healthy! Please clean your room if you have time!! Love, Mom,” the note read.

Evan ignored the note and made his way up to his room. He really did need to clean it. However, a little voice in the back of his head told him that it didn’t really matter.

He pulled out his laptop and opened his math homework, immersing himself into radicals and the like. Evan worked frantically, trying to keep his mind from wandering. In 45 minutes he was done with his homework and at a loss for what to do. Then, like a miracle, he got a text from Connor. 

From: Connor  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGKfrgqWcv0&list=RDEMZ3D4iYbXCqfBWBwUuzLsWg&index=1

From: Connor  
A 50 song playlist of mumford & sons for you my dearest

From: me  
What is this for?

From: Connor  
i dont know you adked for new music the other day

From: Connor  
nvm just if you want to listen tp it its there

From: me  
Don’t kid yourself, I’m going to listen to the entire thing.

From: Connor  
:)

Evan didn’t really know anything about Mumford and Sons, but Connor’s smiley face was too much to resist. Evan pulled out his headphones and clicked on the link, jumping slightly at the aggressive guitar at the beginning. However, he could understand why Connor liked it. The music was calming and Evan had always had a soft spot for acoustic guitar. 

At 5:30, Evan took out his earbuds and resurfaced into the real world. There was a text from Zoe that read:

From: Zoe  
Come over whenever youre ready! :))

Evan sighed. There were worse things in the world than having dinner with the Murphys. In all honesty, he would be sort of excited if not for the whole affair aspect of it.   
So Evan swallowed his dread and got ready. 

His mom wasn’t home, which meant he had to walk in the dark, which he had always hated. Walking alone in the dark, especially when he took the shortcut through the graveyard, had always freaked him out. Even when he was safe at home the thought of axe murderers plagued him, and walking alone at night didn’t help that fear, however irrational it may be.

It was cold outside and Evan’s cheeks were sufficiently rosy by the time he got to the Murphys’ house. Zoe swung the door open with a grin on her face.

“Hey, Evan! Come in!” She ushered Evan inside, where he slipped off his shoes and put his jacket on the hook that had been designated for him a long time ago. “Dinner still has a ways to go. Dad just put the steak on the grill. Connor and I are painting our nails upstairs if you want to join us.”

Evan nodded and followed Zoe upstairs to the bathroom the siblings shared, where Connor lay splayed out in the bathtub/shower, his legs dangling over the walls of the tub. He had a thin coat of black polish on his nails and was blowing them dry manually. 

“Hey, Ev. I’m thinking of doing little rainbow stripes on my nails once they dry. What do you think?” 

Evan felt his voice catch in his throat, only succeeding in letting out a weak croak. His mouth felt impossibly dry.

“Yeah, you’re right. Imma do it.” 

Zoe’s nails were a sunny, pastel yellow with small black polka dots on them. Evan must’ve looked confused at the immaculate dots, and Zoe held up a bottle of polish with a tiny applicator on the end. “Mom got me a nail art kit for Christmas.” She held up a bottle of an icy blue polish, so light it was almost white. “What do you think of this color?”

Something in Evan’s mind short-circuited. “Ye-yeah. Okay.”

“Alright, give me your hand.” Zoe grabbed Evan’s right hand and gently brushed a thin layer of the polish on his nails, her tongue just sticking out between her teeth. 

Connor picked up his phone gingerly, taking his wet nails into account, and started playing music, some instrumental piece that Evan could imagine hearing in a tavern in one of Jared’s video games. 

Some of Zoe’s hair came loose from her small clip, the one with the silver crescent moon on it, and fell in front of her face. Connor noticed and, in retaliation, pulled his hair loose from how he had it sloppily pulled up with a large spider clip and shook it like a wet dog. Evan laughed weakly. 

Slowly, the renaissance tavern music transitioned into an eclectic playlist of country rock, ending with a finale of “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood. Zoe, ever the diva, started to sing along theatrically. Even though she had a smile on her face, the little red alert bell that was always ringing in the back of his head started to pick up speed, his rational thought engulfed by the neon red searchlight and the siren of ‘sheknowssheknowssheknowssheknows’. Evan could feel his mind pulling back, disassociating from his body but as always he was powerless to stop it. 

The music stopped and Evan could hear movement and words and he knew someone asked him something, but he can’t hear it can’t see it can’t do anything. He’s trapped in his own body and there’s absolutely nothing he can do. A hand brushes across his mid-thigh. Maybe an accident. Maybe not.  
Evan feels like his throat is swollen and tight, and he wants to say something but the words keep getting stuck. 

Suddenly, Connor’s voice cut like a knife through the static in his mind. “Evan. I’m going to do that thing you told me to before, okay? Can you, um… name five things you can see?”

Slowly the Murphys’ bathroom came back into focus. The room is blurry and Evan can only focus on pieces of what he sees. What can he see? 

“The floor.” Evan was surprised that his own voice worked. “The shower curtain. Zoe’s shoes. The-the nail polish bottle. You.”

“Good.” Connor’s voice was soft and comforting, not condescending like the guidance counselor at school, or like Jared who always offered him a paper bag. “Four things you can touch.”

“The tub. The, um, the bathmat. The nail polish on my hand. You-your hand on my shoulder.”

“Three things you can hear.”

Evan didn’t usually feel self-conscious in front of Connor, but this was different. Maybe it was Zoe. “Tal-talking downstairs. Zoe, um, breathing. The fan.”

Evan’s eyes were closed, but he could feel the proximity between him and Connor. He could feel his breath on his face. “Two things you can smell.”

“Cigarettes. Mint.”

“One thing you can taste.”

“Blood.”

“Do you want me-”

Without even thinking or letting Connor finish his sentence, Evan nodded quickly. “Yes.”

Connor brought Evan into a warm embrace. Evan sank into the touch, burying his face in Connor’s shirt and trying to take deep, measured breaths.

Evan could hear Zoe breathing heavily over the hum of the ceiling fan. Evan’s nose burned from the scent of nail polish. 

From downstairs, Cynthia yelled that dinner was ready. Zoe stood up awkwardly and tried to clean up the spilled nail polish. “Do you need more time or do you think you can… handle dinner?”

Evan touched the cold tile floor, taking in the feel of the tile and the warmth of Connor’s embrace. Sure, reality still felt a little fuzzy, but it was nothing he couldn’t deal with. Maybe. “I-I think I’m good.”

Connor didn’t let go for a few seconds after that. He just held him in his arms, softly rubbing calming circles into the nape of Evan’s neck. Finally, Connor pulled away from the embrace and held Evan at arm’s length. “C’mon. You can do this.”

Evan laughed quickly and nodded. “I can do this. I can do this.”

Connor stood up, his lanky form seeming to unfold from his spot on the floor. He reached out a hand to help Evan up, and he took it. Evan squared his shoulders and followed the Murphy siblings down to the dining room. 

The dining room had a new white and gold tablecloth and a candelabra in the middle with an extra place setting at the foot of the table. 

The family seemed to take their usual seats, leaving Evan stuck at the end the closest to Larry and Cynthia. Connor saw this and immediately picked up Evan’s plate from under him, moving it closer to the kids. “Sit with us. Bring your silverware and your chair.”

Glad, like always, for Connor’s blunt ability to get what he wanted, Evan picked up his knife and fork and dragged his chair to the other side of the table. Connor grinned and bumped his knee against Evan’s under the table once he had taken his seat. Zoe gnawed at the inside of her cheek and looked warily at her brother. 

Evan took inventory of the food on the table. There was a strip steak and a plate of baked potatoes along with a bowl of asparagus. Cynthia took hands with Larry and Connor, who scowled at her but took Evan’s hand nonetheless. 

“I think I’ll say grace tonight. Evan, dear, I know you’re Jewish, so I’ll try not to bring Jesus into this.” Cynthia chuckled at her own joke before continuing once she realized no one else was laughing. “Alrighty, then. Dear God, thank you for this good day, thank you for this good food, and thank you for good family and friends. Thank you for all the sick people and all the sad people, bless them and make them happy and healthy. In your name we pray. Amen.”

The table, minus Evan and Connor, mumbled the ‘amen’ along with her before reaching for food. Evan let go of Connor and Zoe’s hands, aware of how sweaty his palms were. 

Connor grabbed the plate of steak, taking a relatively large portion. “Do you want some?” Connor asked, the serving fork poised over the plate. 

“I, um, I like the end pieces. That are more cooked.” Evan pushed his plate over to the steak dish. “Salmonella and-and all that.”

"Isn’t salmonella just in seafood and eggs?” Connor asked, serving Evan anyway. 

“It, um, it can get into a lot of other foods too. Like peanut butter, even.” Evan nodded slowly and took some asparagus. 

“Huh. This is why you are the smart one.” Connor smirked fondly. “You genius tree fucker.”

“Language, Connor.” Cynthia folded her hands demurely. “So, Evan, how are you doing?”

“Good, I-I guess.” Evan looked down at the table. “My, um, my mom is hel-helping me look at col-colleges.”

“Oh, how wonderful! We’ve just gotten Zoe started with the whole college process. Junior year, I’m sure you remember.”

“I, uh, I was in the ho-hospital for most of-of junior year.” Evan picked at the seam of his jeans. “So we didn’t get started un-until later.”

“Same, dude.” Connor high-fived Evan, earning another skeptical look from Zoe. “Technically it was rehab, but whatever.”

“Connor,” Larry hissed. “Quit bringing that up around guests.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Connor shoved a large piece of steak in his mouth and spoke with his mouth full. “You don’t care.”

“Did I tell you what Izzy did today?” Zoe blurted, trying to differ the conversation from her brother. 

“No. Izzy?” There was a certain air of disdain in Cynthia’s voice. “What did she do this time?”

“Well,” Zoe began, “for our chamber music unit in band she’s in a group with Talia and Claire and they’re really clashing personalities. Like, Talia’s been doing all the work and Izzy wants to do stuff, but then when Talia gave her a job she didn’t even do it.”

“That Izzy,” Cynthia lamented. “She’s a bad apple.”

“She was in my bio class last year.” Connor poked at his asparagus and refused to look anyone in the eye. “She just did her makeup in the back and snapchatted people the whole time. It was really fucking annoying. I mean, I did sleep through that class, so I’m not one to talk.” Connor winked at Evan. 

“Are you, um, taking forensic this year?” Evan asked, trying to keep conversation light. 

“Yeah, with Robinson. Are you taking it too? Maybe we can be study buddies.”

Evan could feel an inexplicable blush rising on his cheeks. “No. I-I’m taking, um, marine bio.”

“Figures.” 

The conversation continued, easy and light. With all Connor complained about his family, Evan really couldn’t see what was so bad about them. They seemed like perfectly pleasant people. 

Eventually, the food was eaten and the conversation had come to a lull. Cynthia instructed the kids to bring the dishes into the kitchen and for Connor to bring out the cake in the fridge. It was a small rectangular cake that looked like an angular croissant. Connor placed the cake on the table and took his seat.

Connor turned to Evan, noticing the confused expression on his face. “Galette de rois. It’s a French king cake. It’s, um, puff pastry and apple filling. I promise, it’s good.”  
Evan smiled.

“I’m going to assume that I’m the youngest,” Zoe cut in, “so I’m just gonna go under.”

Before Evan could ask, Zoe had slid out of her chair and was sitting cross-legged underneath the dining room table. 

Cynthia cut a slice of the cake and put it on a plate. “Who is this for?” She asked Zoe, looking around awkwardly with no one to make eye contact with. 

“Uh… dad.” 

Cynthia handed the plate of cake to Larry, who took it and sat back in his chair with a satisfied grin on his face. 

Cynthia cut another slice. “And who is this for?”

“Um… Evan.”

Evan nervously took the plate, trying to inspect the surface for anything suspicious.

“And this one?”

“You.”

“How about this one?”

“Connor.”

“And I assume this last one is for you?”

Zoe shimmied out from under the table, settling back into her seat like nothing had happened. “Yep.”

“Well, dig in!” Cynthia sat down and took a bite of her cake. “Don’t worry, I won’t make you yell in French if you find the fève.”

Evan tried to subtly lean over to where Connor was happily eating his cake. “What’s going on?”

“Oh! Well, there’s a little figurine that I baked into the cake and whoever gets it in their slice is the king or queen for the day.” Connor explained. “It was a Roman tradition to have slaves be the kings for one day and then it moved to France and New Orleans and stuff.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, it’s sort of fucked up.” Connor shrugged. “But it’s fun and mom’s half French, so it’s a cool tradition.”

Zoe broke the conversation by spitting a small plastic figurine of a baby into her hand, closing her fist around it and raising it in victory. “I found it!”

“Dearest sister, don’t you mean…”

“Yeah, yeah. J’ai la fève. Suck it, mortals!” Zoe threw the little figurine down on the table, grinning madly. “I don’t have to do the dishes!” She sang. 

Connor crossed his arms bitterly. “You’ve won for the past three years. I’m starting to think you’re cheating.”

“I’m not cheating!” Zoe protested, a fake look of shock painted across her face. “The universe just likes me better.”

“Well, the universe wants to know what your first act as queen is.” Larry announced. “Other than, of course, making Connor clean up.”

“Us wild and crazy teens are going to do karaoke and then we’re going to have a family movie night.” Zoe continued to shovel cake into her mouth. “This is really good, Connor.”

“Oh god. What movie?” Connor asked apprehensively, as if he already knew the answer.

“That Thing You Do, duh. The best non-chick-flick chick-flick of all time.” Zoe took one last giant bite and pushed her plate towards the center of the table. “Now go and clean the dishes so I can revel in my newfound nobility.”

Connor rolled his eyes dramatically. “Fine, but only if Evan helps.”

“That’s not fair!”

“You should’ve thought of that before you put me on dish duty.” Connor grabbed Evan’s wrist and dragged him in to the kitchen. “If I don’t get your boyfriend then no one does!”

Evan tried to shoot an ‘I’m sorry’ look to Zoe, who shrugged and started talking with her mom about a trip to Ulta with her friends. Connor planted Evan by the dishwasher and started ferrying plates from the table into a large stack on the kitchen counter.

Finally, the plates had been stacked and Connor got to work rinsing each plate and placing them in the dishwasher. 

His hair was tied up in a sloppy bun, and Evan really, really wanted to kiss him.

“You don’t have to stand there, you know.”

Evan moved to Connor’s side and pressed a kiss to the crook of his neck. Connor grinned and turned to face him. “Jesus, Hansen, what’s gotten into you?”

“I just… wanted to kiss you.”

Connor gently kissed Evan’s forehead and turned back to the sink. “There. Now let me do the fucking dishes.”

Evan took Connor’s face in his hands and kissed him roughly. Connor reciprocated immediately, any and all qualms he might’ve had flying straight out the window. There was nothing sweet or pretty about the way that they kissed. Connor’s hands were wet but Evan didn’t care. He knew that Connor’s hips must’ve been pressed very uncomfortable against the countertop as he fervently tried to bring their bodies closer together. Evan’s brain, which usually shut off during these moments of ardent passion, had instead shifted into overdrive. He had never kissed Zoe like this, with the fierce, impassioned ardor he kissed Connor with. Evan thought about Zoe, about her fashionable yet dorky clothes and her soft smile and her amiable personality. Evan felt himself pull away.

“Shit. What did I do?” Connor immediately asked, drying his hands and shutting off the water behind him. “I’m really sorry, whatever it was.”

“No, it. It wasn’t you.” Evan rubbed at his temples, where a sharp pain was festering. “I, um, Zoe. It’s not fair to do this. It’s not right.”

“Yeah, I know.” 

Evan squared his shoulders, having come to the most reasonable conclusion. “I-I think we need to tell her.”

“What? No! Are you fucking insane?” Connor grabbed Evan’s wrist. “What do you think she’s going to do?”

“I, um, I hope she’ll be able to look past it. She-she said she likes me for who I am. And-and you were just-just a fling, you know?” Evan’s resolve seemed to shatter as he saw Connor’s hurt expression. “She’ll understand.”

Connor masked his pain with a steely face of anger. “She’ll hate you. She’ll hate me. Do you possibly think Zoe could overlook something as colossally shitty as this?”

“She-she might!”

“She won’t.” Connor set his jaw as he shut down the argument. “Please. You saw how we were getting along, Evan.” His mask seemed to slip for just a second as he pleaded, 

“I-we can’t go back to the way things were.”

Evan shut his eyes and prayed to whatever god there was or might be for just a bit of divine intervention. “F-fine. But we need to stop… whatever this is.”

Connor nodded. “Okay.”

“It was good while it lasted.”

“I guess.”

“I, uh, I’m glad you were my-my first.”

Connor laughed softly. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeyyyyyy y'all
> 
> don't forget to leave comments and shit bc reading them is the highlight of my day  
> I put off studying for a bio final for this and had to resort to some good luck witchcraft so enjoy
> 
> the music for this chapter is A) the mumford and sons playlist and B) "1 Hour of Medieval and Fantasy Inn Music" on youtube
> 
> love y'all


	17. no i'm not the type that you like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aah inner turmoil

Evan loved the way Zoe smiled.

He adored the way her eyes would light up and the look of pure joy that washed over her face. Any and all stress on her face disappeared. Evan wished he could have that.

He loved the way Zoe smiled at other girls.

It was unnerving, to a degree. The way that she opened up around girls in a way she never did with Evan. If Evan hadn’t been secretly having an affair with her brother, he might’ve thought nothing of it. But he had recently tapped into his gaydar and it was flashing some warning signs his way.

This was all that Evan could think of as he sat with Connor on his living room couch, binge-watching Parks and Rec.

“Do you think Zoe could be gay?”

Connor looked over to Evan with a confused look on his face. “What?”

“I don’t know. I just, I-I wonder if Zoe could-could maybe be a little bit gay?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. I don’t really have gaydar or straight-dar or any shit like that. The only kind of dar I have is a Darth Vader pajama shirt and if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about me, I don’t know what does.” Connor shrugged. “Why? I mean, even if she likes girls it’s not like she doesn’t like you, too. Maybe she’s bi or something.”

Evan nodded. “Maybe.”

“Truth be told, I thought you were straight.”

“Really?”

Connor shifted so he was facing Evan, the TV playing in the background completely ignored. “Yeah. I thought you were like, 100 percent straight. Then you told me you like me. And, you know, made out with me in Zoe’s car.” For the first time since ‘the incident’, Connor looked flustered. “And. You know.”

Ever since they had broken it off, whatever ‘it’ was, Connor had been awkward and disjointed around Evan, like he expected to cross a line and ruin whatever brittle relationship they still had. 

And in all honesty, Evan was done with being treated like glass. 

Connor had always been the one who had been there through thick and through thin, always willing to provide the awful truth and tell him exactly what he needed to know. Never holding back. 

And now Connor was nervous and skittish, always just shying away from the conversations they used to have. Always falling short of the affection Evan craved.

Evan didn’t like confrontation, so he never brought it up. He just tried to ignore the way Connor shrunk back when they touched, even if by accident. 

He tried to be normal.

He went to The Potato King with Zoe, even though that was his and Connor’s place. He took silly photo booth pictures with Zoe and hung them up on his bedroom wall, tearing down the poem Connor had written that previously inhabited the space. 

One rainy Saturday, Evan lay on his bed scrolling mindlessly through Instagram (Zoe had made him get the app so they could take cute couple selfies; Evan mosty posted nature pictures) and listening to the playlist Connor had made for him. 

The playlist was the one Connor thing he hadn’t been able to give up. It was the best possible mix of indie pop and Mumford and Sons and punk rock and Gaelic folk music. It was perfectly eclectic and perfectly Connor. 

Evan felt whiny and petulant, moping over someone he wasn’t really “with” in the first place. Like a teenage girl in a bad romance novel. 

Usually in romance novels, the main character would get together with her smart-yet-goofy best friend/sidekick and have a dance party. However, Evan really didn’t know what would become of a dance party with Connor, and he absolutely was not telling Jared about any of this. Besides, a Kleinman dance party usually consisted of dabbing to All Star.

So Evan lay on his bed, watching the rain roll down his window and pool at the bottom of the panes. Humming along to the music playing too loud in his headphones. 

Evan closed his eyes. Through the guitar in his ears, he could hear the patter of rain on the roof. The cars that drove by splashed waves of water onto the slushy sidewalks. 

Evan’s leg itched, but he couldn’t be bothered to scratch it.

His phone pinged with an alert from Instagram. Evan pried open his eyes and picked up his phone from where it lay on his chest. Zoe had posted a picture of her and a group of girls Evan vaguely recognized from concerts. “Cloudy skies and chili fries! Hanging with the coolest gals I know in Sanbornville! #jazzband #girlgang #girlsday #frienddate” the caption read. Evan tried not to focus on the arm Zoe had around one girl, or the way she posed cheek-to-cheek with the blonde on her left. 

Evan scrolled through her Instagram feed. A picture of a silly sign outside of a shop in Quebec. A slow-motion video of one of her jazz band friends doing a running kick to open a door. Some artsy nature photos from the family’s timeshare in Vermont. A mason jar she had painted to look like space. Photos with her family. A lot of photos of both him and her. But for as many pictures of Zoe and Evan, there were double of Zoe and her “girlfriends”. 

Which was fair, Evan felt. She had been in the jazz band since eighth grade and she had only known Evan for, like, a year. So he wasn’t that torn up about it.

Or at least he could pretend to be unbothered.

Evan made his way downstairs into the kitchen, listening to the rain batter against the glass, shaking trees and running off of the gutters in waterfalls. Evan pulled a glass jar of “special occasion” hot chocolate from the cabinet and shook a generous portion into a mug, filling the mug with milk and sticking it into the microwave. 

After a minute of standing next to his kitchen counter and staring blankly out the window, Evan pulled the mug out of the microwave, hissing as the hot ceramic burned his fingers.

He cautiously sipped the drink, the scalding liquid scorching his tongue. Evan’s mind moved sluggishly, trudging from one thought to the next. He liked Zoe, he really did. And he wanted to keep her in his life. But he really couldn’t give up Connor.

Evan knew it wasn’t fair to want both of them, but he couldn’t help the awful schism that tore his heart apart whenever he tried to tell himself he needed to choose. 

He just couldn’t.

Which was unfair and terrible and selfish, but he really didn’t want to deal with it. So he didn’t talk about it, didn’t think about it.

So he kept his distance from Connor when they watched TV. When Connor passed him anything, no matter how banal, he was extra careful to only grab the thing, erasing the possibility of their fingers touching in even the most mundane situation.

When a hint of auburn started peeking up from the roots of Connor’s hair, Evan didn’t mention it. He fought the urge to take Connor’s head in his hands and run his hands through his hair, inspecting every clue of red in the matted brown. 

Whenever Zoe had to leave dates early because Chloe got movie tickets or because she was supposed to be tutoring with Alana, so sorry she forgot, Evan bit his tongue and walked home alone. 

And although he had created his own shackles, Evan wanted nothing more than to break them. 

 

~

 

Evan sat on the floor of the Murphys’ basement, his hands full of colorful Monopoly money. Connor had taken to throwing game pieces at him whenever he had to pay rent on Park Place, whereas Zoe just seethed in the corner, plotting to overthrow “the heinous Hansen rule”. 

“You’re fucking cheating or something!” Connor protested, hitting Evan’s shoulder with a throw pillow. “There is no way that you of all people is winning at capitalism!”

“So-sorry,” Evan said between giggles. “If you wan-wanted to win, may-maybe you should’ve tried no-not being po-poor.”

Zoe groaned in exasperation. “I hate this game.”

“It was either this or Risk, Zo.” Connor shrugged. “You drew the cards.”

“I hate Risk,” Zoe said.

“Agreed.” Connor and Evan said at the same time. 

The game progressed like any game of Monopoly did, with broken hearts and ruined friendships. When the siblings finally went bankrupt, Connor threw down his game piece with a definitive “fuck this, I’m being a liberal arts major”. 

Zoe stretched as best as she could from her place on the floor. “What should we do next?”

“Lay here and question our place in our dystopian capitalist universe?” 

Zoe punched Connor’s arm playfully. “No, shithead. We’re having a dance party!”

“Oh, god no.” Connor crossed his arms and scowled. “Absolutely not.”

“Why nooooottt?” Zoe whined, a shit-eating grin on her face.

Connor huffed. “I’m not making a fool of myself in front of Evan.”

“You don’t need my help to do that.” Zoe plugged her phone into a small cube by the couch, and soon Amy Winehouse’s “Valerie” came streaming out of the speaker. As soon as the first beat hit, Zoe started bumping her hips to the beat of the drum, trying to pull her brother onto his feet.

Zoe ended her pursuit and grabbed Evan, pulling him up and started dancing boisterously, trying to get Evan to dance along with her. Soon Evan was bopping along, and Connor was standing up and joining Zoe in her dance.

The three danced with reckless abandon, not thinking about how stupid they looked or how much homework they still had left to do. It felt like a chapter out of a teen realistic fiction novel and Evan wished he could live like this all the time. 

He wished that he could live like the kids in the book, with no worries or realistic expectations. Just driving in their mom’s car down a discreet country road with music no one listened to playing on the radio. Without a care in the world.

The song switched to something upbeat and major, some indie pop song Evan had never heard of before. Zoe swayed to the rhythm, her arms floating loosely in the air. Connor resorted to awkward step-touching. With a substantial amount of stumbling, Evan fell into step with Connor, the two energetically step-touching to the beat of the song, clapping and bobbing their heads whenever it felt right. 

And Evan was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy howdy its me
> 
> short chapter but im (amber gray voice) stuck in a rut
> 
> leave comments and kudos and shit to snap me outta my funk mannnn
> 
> also  
> i made lil playlists for each character would y'all be interested if i posted a list of songs in the notes of next chapter?? respondez-vous s'il vous plait 
> 
> also also  
> does anyone know why ao3 takes out the paragraph thingies when you copy paste it into the text box and is it possible to turn it off???


	18. why don't we just pretent II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh oh... hospital

There was nothing romantic about being bedridden. 

Evan didn’t understand the appeal of having your best friend or lover sitting by your side while you were sick and/or possibly dying. 

Evan lay curled up on his bed, a heated sock full of rice his mom used for headaches pressed against his stomach for some sort of relief from the horrendous, stabbing and most likely deadly pain in his abdomen.

Connor sat by the bed, useless. Well, that was a lie. He supplied hot tea and occasional googling as well as moral support in the form of his well-practiced suburban Christian mom impression. 

“I, um, I looked up your symptoms. Pain in the abdomen, chills, fever, loss of appetite, right?” Evan nodded weakly and Connor tapped on his screen once before reading a short paragraph and grimacing. “Yeah, WebMD says you’re dying.”

“Wh-what?” Evan pulled his blanket up to his chin, a wave of cold sweeping through his body. 

Even though Connor and Evan had both been with each other at their absolute worsts, Evan still felt self-conscious. Like he was forcing Connor to look after a dying person who didn’t deserve the care. “If I am d-dying you should just let me die.”

“What? No.” Connor leaned forward and ruffled Evan’s hair affectionately. “I would never.”

As Connor pulled his hand away, a shy smile on his face, Evan fought the urge to take his hand and try and attempt to explain everything he was feeling. Everything about how he really, really liked him but Zoe was still very much an active part of his life and how if he could keep going on like this he would, but he knew it wasn’t fair to anyone. About how he went through his life feeling like a ghost, like nothing was quite real and the only time that he was ever really awake was when he was with him. Evan’s throat tightened like a fist was being driven into it, a feeling he hadn’t felt since he was much younger with the flu. 

Shit.

Evan stumbled out of bed, pushing Connor aside, and ran to the bathroom. He hovered above the toilet bowl for a few horrid seconds before whatever meager foods he had managed to choke down had come up and were now on display against the white ceramic of the toilet.

Connor came in and immediately rushed to Evan’s side, putting an arm around his back as he retched and helplessly forced up any more remains of food left in his stomach. 

Connor rubbed calming circles between Evan’s shoulders. “I’ll add vomiting onto the list of why the internet thinks you have cancer.”

“Thanks.”

“Could it be the flu or something?” Connor asked. “I read that it’s coming back stronger than ever. A bunch of kids in Australia died, I’m pretty sure.”

“What?” Evan cried. “Don’t tell me that! Now I know I’m going to die!”

“You’re not going to die, Ev.” Connor laughed softly. “I’m sure you don’t have the demon flu. You’re probably just sick.”

“I-I’m going to die, I just know it.”

“You’re not going to die. Here, I’ll do some more googling and this time I won’t go on WebMD.” Connor pulled out his phone and adopted a formal, posh doctor voice. “Could you describe your pain?”

“I don’t know. Like, a really sharp pain in-in the right side of my stomach. Like a-a knife or something.” 

“And a fever of 99.7, if I remember correctly.” Connor slipped out of his doctor persona and was silent for a bit as he scoured his search results. Evan dry-heaved into the toilet.

“I think we need to go to the hospital.”

“Wh-what? Why?” 

Connor knit his brows. “Uh… your symptoms sound like appendicitis and it says that if you don’t get help quickly it can rupture and possibly be life-threatening?”

That was all Evan needed to hear. “Okay, let’s go.”

“Alrighty. I’ll, uh… can you walk to the car? Because I’m definitely not strong enough to carry you.” 

“I can, um, I think so.” Evan hoisted himself up from the bathroom floor and stumbled after Connor, clutching his stomach and feeling like a drunkard due to his quality of movement. 

Connor opened the passenger side door, ushering Evan into his seat before climbing into the other side. “If you puke in Barb I swear to god I’ll be angry for thirty seconds and then forgive you.” Connor backed out of the driveway and started on his way down the road, past the pub and the grocery store down the highway to the hospital just fifteen minutes from town. “I know it doesn’t sound like much but that’s all I can muster at the time due to your Disney-princess personality and physical condition. Also, you should probably text your mom or something.”

Evan nodded and Connor fished around in his pocket for Evan’s phone, holding it out in front of Evan without taking his eyes off the road. “Text your mom and then play that playlist I sent you. I can hear you hyperventilating, dude.”

Evan gingerly took his phone and sent a text to his mom: “I think I have appendicitis. Connor is driving me to the hospital. I’ll see you there, I guess.”

He opened the playlist and clicked shuffle. Connor was right, he was breathing too fast and he hadn’t even noticed. He needed to calm down. It was just a possibly life-threatening-yet-common medical issue, right? 

Evan closed his eyes. From the car’s speakers came That’s How You Know (yes, the one from Enchanted), one of the sporadic musical theatre songs on the playlist. It was sort of ridiculous, especially next to the other songs, but it was an admittedly good song. 

However, Evan hated it in this moment.

Whose right was it to write songs that happened to highlight his inner turmoil in a perfect blockbuster showtune? Alan Menken was going to get a piece of his mind.

"He’ll find his own way to tell you, with the little things he’ll do..."

“We’re almost there.” Connor grinned and glanced at Evan out of the corner of his eyes. “If you survive your deadly and not at all common ailments, I’m buying you ice cream.”

"That’s how you know; that’s how you know he’s your love!"

 

~

 

Evan didn’t remember much after that. It was appendicitis; Connor had been right and the doctors had called for a laparoscopic appendectomy. 

For the surgery to happen, they needed to use a general anesthesia so he wouldn’t feel any pain. So for him to not remember anything while he was knocked out was sort of a given. 

They told him that he needed to stay in the hospital for a while, at least until he could retain fluids, which was a ballpark estimate of 2-3 days. Then after that he should avoid strenuous activity for about a week.

So, long story short, Evan was stuck in the hospital.

Shortly after Evan came to and was contently eating a grape popsicle (so what if grape was his least favorite flavor, he wasn’t going to ask for a new flavor. The nurse seemed busy.) Connor came into the room with a nervous grin.

“How’s it going?”

Evan looked up from his popsicle in surprise. “You’re still here?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Connor leaned against the door casually. “It’s not like I would just leave you here.”

“B-But-”

“Do you want me to leave, Hansen?” Connor crossed his arms. “Because I could just as easily do that.”

“N-no. Stay.” 

Connor sat down in the chair across from Evan’s bed. “Your mom came by while you were out.”

“Oh?”

“She was pretty worried. And confused, too.” Connor nodded. “She was also very confused about why I was still here. Apparently, you Hansens don’t have a very good track record of responsible and loyal friends.”

Evan laughed softly. “Apparently not.”

“How’re you doing?”

“Good.”

Connor cocked an eyebrow. “Really?”

Evan chewed on his lip absentmindedly. “Not really. But I-I just… there’s nothing I can do.”

“Huh.” Connor tapped his foot against the linoleum hospital floor. “Well, if you need anything just call me and I’ll come a-running. Deal?”

Evan smiled. “Deal.”

They sat in silence for a while, listening to the various sounds of the hospital. Distant talking, a heart monitor beeping steadily in the room over. 

Connor tapped his foot as if he were waiting for something. Evan counted his breaths.

At 23, Connor spoke.

“Is there anything you need?”

Evan looked down at the drips of cold, grapey syrup on his fingers. “A-a napkin, maybe.”

Connor bit the inside of his cheek and looked around the room before standing up and glancing out the door, making sure there was no one in the hallway. “Imma check in the cabinets. You be my lookout. Make sure I don’t get kicked out.” He put up his hood, trying to look stealthy and mysterious but succeeding only at making Evan crack up at the puffs of hair sticking out on either side of Connor’s face. Connor made a pissy face and started to open cabinets at random. 

“Could cotton balls work?” Connor shifted the contents of the cabinets, standing on his tiptoes to reach the top shelves, a sight Evan was not accustomed to. “Or maybe gauze pads?” He looked at Evan, who shook his head. “No, you’re right. I’ll keep looking.”

As he said that, a nurse wandered by the room, looking in suspiciously. 

“Con-” Evan started to say.

“Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?” 

Connor turned around, slammed a cabinet door closed, and tried not to look guilty. “I, uh- my friend needed a napkin. For, the, um. The popsicle.”

The nurse looked exasperated. “You can get napkins from the cafeteria, uh- young man. Please don’t open the cabinets.”

Connor forced a polite smile. “Yeah. Thanks.”

When the nurse left, Connor sat back down in the chair with a definitive ‘ouf’. “Well, you can’t say I didn’t try.”

Evan tried to lick the melted popsicle off of his hand, most likely making a fool of himself as he did so. Connor laughed. 

“Just deep-throat the popsicle already, I know you want to. I promise I won’t judge.” Connor smirked.

Evan flushed a beet red. “N-no!”

“Trust me, I’ve seen worse.” Now Evan was laughing along with him. “You’re a kinky son of a bitch.” Connor tapped his temple. “I have the memory of an elephant.”

“Connor,” Evan began, “we really should talk about-”

“No, we’re not talking about that now.” Connor’s face lost some of its playful lightness. “That’s a topic for later.”

Evan nodded and gnawed at the popsicle, the cold stinging his gums. Connor went back to tapping his foot. 

Evan counted the heart monitor beeps from the room next door. 35, 36-

“Have you, uh… seen the new season of Stranger Things?” Connor said.

“Yeah.”

More silence.

It was never truly quiet in the hospital, there was always distant noises and a far-off calamity going on. The beeping of heart monitor and the chatter of nurses and families penetrated every room. However, there was no black hole quite like the silence of an avoided conversation.

Every bit of life had been sucked out of the room. Evan’s abdomen ached dully and his tongue had gone numb from the popsicle. 

Nothing felt quite right yet everything felt too real. Connor sat in the chair beside the bed, his old self a forgotten memory of the past. This was New Connor, who made promises he sometimes kept and sometimes broke and threw things when he got mad and took Evan out to get ice cream on bad days. New Connor who had seen Evan naked multiple times, on purpose, and who probably owed Evan his life, and vice versa.

New Connor listened to Disney songs and indie pop and never looked Evan in the eye when they brought up their past mistakes.

Evan wished there was a happy medium.

A perfect blend of New and Old Connor, both kind and crude, the mysterious emerald of a forest and the deep purple of a starry sky.

But like most things in life, there was no happy medium. There was black and white and an endless ocean of gray areas.

New Connor tapped his foot.

“We should-”

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave comments i hunger


	19. lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything goes back to "normal".

“I don’t… like this.”

Everything about Connor seemed uncomfortable, from the way his shoulders hunched to the way his feet tapped their own staccato rhythm against the hospital floors. “I don’t like the way we are now,” he said. “We used to be great together. Now… we’re not.”

Evan nodded, picking at his cuticles. “Yeah.”

Connor laughed breathily, like he hadn’t been expecting to give a speech. “I liked how we were before. I didn’t like, you know, the tension and all that, but at least we… you know, like Anne of Green Gables. Kindred spirits.”

“Old Connor.” Evan agreed.

“What?”

“Oh. It-it’s nothing.” Evan tried to look anywhere but at Connor. “I don’t know. I liked the-the freedom of it. I-I liked being able to-to not hold back because I wasn’t sure if-if you liked me or not.”

“Amen.” Connor said with a soft laugh. “I liked it too, whatever it was.”

“The affair,” Evan offered.

“Evan and his… mistress?” Connor snorted. 

“Yes. Mistress.” Evan couldn’t fight his smile. “You-you dirty woman of the night.”

“Hey!”

“You… cankerblossom.”

Connor gasped in mock horror. “Excuse you, sir, I am no prostitute. I am a mistress, and you will refer to me as such.”

Through fits of laughter came a familiar voice. 

“What’s this about prostitutes?” 

Evan and Connor quickly stifled their laughter. “M-mom!” Evan blurted. “I, uh, didn’t know you were here.”

“I work here, honey.” Heidi smiled. “I take it you’re feeling better?”

“Oh. Uh- yeah.”

“I came back earlier but you were still under the anaesthesia. But I got a 15-minute break and now I’m here!” Heidi made weak jazz hands. “So, how’re you doing? I really am sorry I wasn’t able to come sooner, but it looked like you were doing just fine without me.”

Evan smiled up at his mother. “It’s fine. I-I’m fine. A little sore. It-it’s really fine.”

Heidi didn’t look convinced. “Hmm. What if I took you out for ice cream or something? You know, like when you were younger! I remember whenever you had to go to the doctor’s I would take you out for ice cream and in less than fifteen minutes you would’ve forgotten about the whole ordeal. You were a sweet kid, you know that?”

“Oh.” Evan looked down at his fingers, at his nails that he had bitten to the nub. “Con-Connor, he’s, um, already-”

“I promised I would get him ice cream if he survived.” Connor explained. “Nothing like the promise of sugar to convince your body not to kick the bucket, right?”

Heidi nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. You probably don’t want to go out with your mom, anyway.” She spoke as if her words pained her. “That’d be weird.”

“N-no, that’s-“

“I’m going to have to leave soon, but how is everything going? How’s Zoe?”

Both Evan and Connor shifted nervously. “E-everything’s good.”

“Oh. Well, wonderful!” Heidi sat down on the edge of Evan’s bed. “I don’t know what to say.” She laughed awkwardly. “I’m really glad you have a friend like Connor.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

~

 

“What’s the weather like?”

It was Evan’s second day in the hospital. Connor had slept (possibly) in the chair across from the bed. At this point, Evan was pretty sure the smell of hand sanitizer and band-aids was permanently trapped in his nose. Zoe had visited, given Evan a small cactus, and berated Connor for not going home the night before (“You need to sleep, Connor.” “I’ll be fine.” “You have bags under your eyes.” “It’s… a look I’m going for.”). 

There were no windows in his hospital room and the temperature was a consistent 60 degrees. Evan missed the clouds and the wind in the trees. 

“It’s okay,” Zoe offered. “Sort of warm for January.”

“It’s really cloudy.” Connor looked up at the ceiling like he was painting the sky across the tiles from memory. “And it has that feeling in the air like a storm. It’s warm, though. I wore my sweatshirt here and didn’t need anything else. But there’s a storm coming, that’s for sure.”

The next day, Connor returned alone, his hair and clothes dusted with a thorough coating of snow, giving him the all around impression of a powdered donut.

“I was right about that storm,” he said, brushing the layer of snow off of his sleeves and shaking out his hair. “But I didn’t think it would snow.”

“Lucky me, I get to go home in it.”

“They’re releasing you today?” Connor’s face split into a grin. “Oh, hell yes. I missed you.”

Evan tried to hide his blush. “Yeah. They-they’re letting me go as long as I don’t do any hard work.”

“Damn, well, there goes my plan to build a house.” Connor sat down in what had come to be his chair. “I guess this is our last chance to talk about… shit.”

“Not, um, really?”

Connor frowned. “I’ve got to get this sorted out, Hansen. I’m not letting this go on for any longer.”

Evan nodded.

“I’m ready to call this whole thing off.”

“N-no!” Evan protested. “I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t lose me, you just won’t be able to fuck me.” Connor’s voice held a rough edge, a hint of disdain. “Sorry, but I’m drawing the line.”

“Connor.”

Connor held his ground. “Hansen.”

“Connor, I-I really like you.” Evan felt like melting into the ground. “I really don’t want to lose whatever it was we-we had.”

“Why are you so fucking adorable? It would be easy to shoot you down if you were a normal human being and not a fucking puppy.” Connor got up and started pacing around the small room. “I mean, I wholeheartedly agree. But I can’t do this to Zoe.”

“Yeah.” 

“It’s just not fair.”

“Yeah.”

Connor sat down in his chair, taking Evan’s hand in his own. “But…”

Evan nodded wordlessly.

A nurse poked her head through the door. “Evan Hansen, Doctor Stone will be in shortly to check up one last time.”

Connor stood up and dropped Evan’s hand. “I should leave.”

He hesitated before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Evan’s forehead. “I’ll be in the lobby.”

 

~

 

“What gross ass ice cream did you get?” Connor asked, leaning into Evan’s side and inspecting the scoop of green in his cup.

“Uh, mint chocolate chip.”

“Oh, good. I thought it was pistachio or some shit like that.”

“I like pistachio!” 

Connor scooped up a sizeable amount of Evan’s ice cream with his index finger. “You’re crazy.”

“At least I-I don’t steal people’s ice cream without asking.” Evan hid his ice cream behind his hand.

“Hey, I paid for it.” Connor tipped his cone towards Evan. “You can have some of mine, if you want. I got rocky road like a cool person.”

“Uh, no thanks. If you’re going to put stuff in the ice cream it’s gotta be vanilla base.”

“What? No!”

 

“Vanilla is- it’s the best base flavor.” Evan went back to eating his contradictory mint chip ice cream. “If you put stu-stuff in chocolate it’s too much.”

“Oh my god.” Connor rolled his eyes. “I don’t even know why I’m friends with you.”

The two sat in a comfortable silence. Even though nothing had truly been resolved between them, there was a level of understanding that hadn’t existed before. At least they knew they each felt the same way.

There was a small scar on Connor’s cheek that Evan had never noticed before; he wondered where it had come from.

A gust of wind blew past the park bench where they sat, blowing Connor’s hair across his face. Leftover snow fell from the tree branches. 

It was cold, and Evan’s thin gloves were providing very little warmth. Connor and Evan sat close on the bench, reveling in their shared body heat. 

Evan blew out a steady stream of air, watching his breath evaporate. “We… we’re good, right?”

Connor nodded. “We’re good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey this is a really short chapter but ya know what thats the way i live my life
> 
> the "song" for this chapter is the Anne With An E soundtrack uuuhhh Beauty And Sorrow is my favorite
> 
> y'all TELL ME if you want me to give y'all the character soundtracks
> 
> comment that good shit (this is the dollar store how good can it be)


	20. can't let you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight.

TW: the f-slur once

 

Evan couldn’t sleep.

Granted, this might’ve been due to the fact that Connor Murphy was almost-spooning him on his twin bed, which was definitely too small for two teenagers, but it was certainly happening.

They were having a ‘slumber party’, as Evan’s mom was so insistent on calling it. What had happened was that Connor had come over to watch a movie (or three) and then suddenly it was 11 on a Friday night and they all decided to just say ‘fuck it’ and let Connor stay over. There was a sleeping bag on the floor, but Connor had opted to just climb into the tiny bed with Evan.

Evan stared at his closet door. There was something about being nestled in the concave of Connor’s body that made him just want to sleep, but he couldn’t. 

Outside, snow fell.

Evan wanted to move, but he was afraid if he did he would A) risk waking up Connor or B) touch the cold parts of the mattress not warmed by their combined body heat. 

So he stayed, trying to count sheep as the numbers on the clock steadily ticked upwards. 

Connor shifted and started tapping his fingers against Evan’s arm in a pattern that most likely wouldn’t have been able to be achieved by a sleeping person.

“Connor?” Evan mumbled.

“No, it’s fucking Danny Devito,” was the reply.

Evan rolled his eyes and struggled to turn around to face his friend. “Are- are you awake?”

“I’m sleeptalking. That’s why I’m so eloquent.”

Evan snorted. 

“What do you want?” Connor asked. “I’m trying to pretend to sleep here.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Join the club.”

A pause.

“Evan, it’s really fucking hard not to kiss you right now.” Connor’s face was unreadable in the dark.

Evan swallowed the concern that grew in his stomach. “Well…”

“We shouldn’t.”

“O-one last time?” Evan knew he was being clingy and desperate, but he really didn’t care. It was 2:15 in the morning and all apprehension was gone.

Connor grinned, or seemed to. Evan could see a glint of light off his teeth. “One last time.”

Evan wasn’t sure who kissed who, or if their lips just met in the middle.

It wasn’t anything spectacular, it was dark and sort of cold and uncomfortable, but it was slow and bittersweet and regretful and perfect.

Connor pulled away first, draping an arm over Evan’s shoulders. “Since parting is such sweet sorrow.”

“Shut up,” Evan mumbled.

 

“Go to sleep.”

 

~

 

In the morning, Evan stood at the Murphys’ stovetop, mechanically pouring batter into the waffle iron as Connor tap-danced around the kitchen. 

They had decided to go to Connor’s house instead, given that they had pancake mix and Evan really wasn’t in the mood for cereal for the umpteenth morning in a row. 

Evan watched as the lights on the waffle iron turned from red to green. He opened the iron and took out a beatiful golden waffle, piling it on a plate with the others. As he put down the spatula, a pair of hands found his shoulders and he jumped out of surprise.

Evan turned around to find Connor looking down at him fondly. “What?” He demanded.

“Parting was too sweet of a sorrow.” 

“Oh my god.” Evan laughed and poured another ladle of batter into the waffle iron. 

“So it turned out I’m not a fan of ‘one last time’.” Connor rested his chin on the top of Evan’s head. “And besides, I had basically no sleep and I’m sort of delirious.”

Evan tried to ignore him as he pulled another waffle from the iron, closing the machine before turning to face Connor. “So what-what do you propose?”

“Kiss me.”

Evan must’ve been feeling bold, because he turned away from Connor and instead resigned himself to looking in the fridge for maple syrup. “That’s not how Shakespeare would’ve said it.”

Connor sighed and leaned against the fridge door. “The maple syrup is on the top shelf to the left.” He thought for a second. “Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity; in least speak most, to my capacity.” 

Evan grabbed the syrup, closed the fridge door, and smiled. 

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

“Yeah, I don’t care.” Evan took a fistful of Connor’s shirt and pulled him down to connect their lips roughly.

The scent of smoke filled the kitchen, but they paid no mind. Evan’s back was pushed against the fridge door as Connor pressed closer. Evan thought he heard a noise, but he assumed it was one of the cats coming down to inspect the burning smell. Besides, there was no one else in the house. At least, that’s what Connor had told him. 

Evan’s grip on the syrup bottle loosened as Connor brought a hand to the small of his back, making Evan have to stand on his tiptoes to reach him comfortably. Evan’s hand fingers entwined with Connor’s hair seemingly by their own doing. 

With a clatter, the plastic bottle of maple syrup fell to the floor. They broke apart as Evan hurriedly knelt down to pick up the bottle. Connor had a light pink blush painted across his cheeks. 

“Uh… let’s take the waffles down to the basement to eat. I’m in the mood for a movie, how about you?”

Evan laughed. “Su-sure.”

They made their way into the basement, taking up residence on the couch and flipping through Netflix to find a good movie. 

“What about The Prince Of Egypt?” Connor asked, holding the remote loosely as he ate a plain waffle with his hands. 

Evan paused. “Do you hear talking?”

They were quiet for a few seconds. “I think so,” Connor said. “Maybe Zoe got home from Alana’s.”

Maybe ten minutes later, the talking stopped and was replaced with feverish classical music playing loudly. 

“Okay, that’s definitely Zoe. She’s the only person I know who plays Handel when she’s stressed.” Connor scrolled down the list. “Ooh, what about The Hunchback Of Notre Dame?”

Evan wanted to pay attention, he really did. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Zoe blasting baroque music from her bedroom and why. Was it something like school or was it… something else? And why hadn’t he heard her come in the house?

Again came the creeping invasive thoughts. If you broke up with Zoe, they said, she wouldn’t have to be hurt anymore. Just let her go with no explanation and everything will work out fine. 

Zoe didn’t deserve any of the crap the world threw at her. She deserved a high-end music school in New York, not the sad dump of PHS which had no pep nor marching band. She deserved a loving boyfriend, not the scraps of attention Evan could muster up.

She deserved so much more than what Evan could provide. 

Evan wanted to pause the movie, march upstairs, and break up with Zoe right then and there. But he couldn’t do that. There was no solution to the terrible mess he had made that didn’t end in hatred and heartbreak. 

“Hey.” Connor broke through his thoughts with a single word. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I’m thinking of breaking up with Zoe.” Evan picked at his cuticles. “It’s just- it’s not fair for her.”

Connor reached out a hand but stopped, his fingers twitching midair. Something in Evan’s mind short-circuited, and the hole where Connor was was filled by the Fake Connor, two-dimensional and cold. The silver ring on his middle finger shone dully. 

“It’s just, uh, I want to end this whole mess?” Evan pushed on. “Aft-after you started it.”

Connor, the Real Connor, twisted his ring, refusing to meet Evan’s eyes. 

“Sorry.”

“No. No, it’s okay.” The ring glinted in the fluorescent light of the basement. “It’s just that I thought it was, you know, a consensual thing. I thought we had agreed neither of us were specifically to blame.”

There was a sharpness to his words. Although he was studying his hands intently, Evan got the feeling that if looks could kill he would be lying dead on the Murphys’ basement floor in an instant.

“No- it’s just-“

“It’s just what?” Connor looked up to meet Evan’s eyes. “Go ahead, I want to hear from her boyfriend who she loves very much about why this whole fucking mess is all my fault.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that!”

Connor stood, and Evan stood to match him. Granted, Connor was a good few inches taller than him, so it sort of created the illusion of a shih tzu staring down a German Shepherd. 

“Go on, Hansen! Tell me how it’s all my fault when you were the shitty boyfriend and decided that I was the best candidate for your sexual frustration! Because that’s all I was to you, right? Just a dick with emotional barriers that you couldn’t and didn’t want to get through!” 

“No! You’re my best friend, Connor!”

“And now you’re going to tell Zoe, who’s going to tell everyone, and you’ll be stuck with a bunch of fucking rumors and somehow, people will like me even less!” Connor yelled. By this point, he didn’t even seem to care if Zoe was home. He was emptying all his hurt and paranoia right in front of Evan’s feet, all at once. “Because everybody already thinks I’m a fag, why not accelerate that suspicion by telling the world I fucked Zoe’s shitty boyfriend and kept doing it for months! Fucking months, Evan!”

“Well, maybe I’m a shi-shitty boyfriend who’s willingly choosing to break my girlfriend’s heart but at least I’m not doing it to my sister!” Evan felt the words freeze in the air. There was the deadly S-word: sister. That was the real kicker.

Connor’s demeanor shattered. His hands fell limply at his sides, as if he didn’t know what to do with them. Evan felt his own words come back and hit him. He felt strangely cold, like he had plunged headfirst into icy waters. 

Upstairs, Mr. Brightside started playing. 

Connor closed his eyes. “Get the fuck out of my house, Evan.”

“Wh-what?”

“You heard me.” Connor lifted his head and fixed his stony glare onto him. “Get the fuck out.”

“I-I’m sorry.” Evan was grasping, reaching desperately for any sort of way to convince Connor to let him stay.

“Yeah, so am I. We’re all fucking sorry. Get out.”

Evan picked up his coat and walked slowly up the stairs, pointedly looking forward. At the very top of the stairs, he turned around. There was no Connor at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for him to come back down with open arms. It was silent in the basement. 

It was cold outside, just cold enough to need a hat and gloves. Unfortunately, Evan had neither. 

He started to walk, the wind biting at his cheeks. It had rained overnight and then, of course, the temperatures had dropped, creating what was essentially an ice-skating rink on the sidewalks. The lake had completely frozen over, and just a few days before the town had declared it safe to walk out on. Usually, whenever Heidi would ask if they wanted to go out on the ice, Evan would throw a hissy fit that would inevitably end in a panic attack because although the town had said the ice was thick enough to walk on, there was still a definite possibility of falling in and freezing to death.

Evan looked out at the frozen lake and realized he didn’t really care about falling anymore.

Evan made his way out onto the ice, wobbling like a newborn calf. Above him, a murder of crows fled their tree and filled the air with their jarring song. The pine trees stretched up to the sky, the branches creaking in the wind. Evan looked back at the footprints he had made in the snow, stark in contrast to the lighter footprints of people who had come and gone before the snow had fallen again. 

A chorus of children rang out from somewhere behind the trees, calling to one another in high-pitched voices. Evan wished he had been a raucous and daring kid. He had tended to stay inside, reading and helping his mother cook. 

There were so many things he hadn’t done.

Then again, there were so many things he had. He had gone to a real party, gotten drunk, and had sex. He had hiked through the woods as the sun came up and danced to The Proclaimers around a bonfire. 

Evan sighed and walked towards the shore. The sand was packed tight, and his feet barely made a mark as he walked. Evan was struck with a feeling of un-realness, like he was simply a shell of a human floating through the world. He looked up at the sun and took comfort in the sharp pain in his eyes. 

He kept walking. 

Someone was barbecuing. Alternatively, someone was smoking. Probably those teenagers in the graveyard, the ones who had helped him when he had collapsed and tried to call 911 when he went to take his anxiety medication. 

Evan’s mind flashed back to Connor, falling off the end of the dock and disappearing into the dark water. He thought about how he had most likely saved Connor’s life. About how Connor once got admitted into the hospital for an infected burn and wouldn’t tell anyone for three weeks about the fact that he had purposefully put a lighter against his hip one night as he smoked on the roof and didn’t dress the wound at all because he was so desperate to feel anything to bring him out of the dissociative state he was in but he had promised to Evan that he wouldn’t hurt himself anymore.

Evan walked faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time to actually start my homework eeeeeyyyyyyy  
> message me on tumblr at smolweedboi
> 
> comment on my shit please i need the validation of others  
> the song for this chapter is And The Glory Of The Lord (¯\\_(ツ)_/¯) and 4 Chords by Axis of Awesome


	21. i just want it to be perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an accusation to make.

Evan hadn’t talked to Zoe in a while. 

He saw her sometimes, sure, but she was always conspiring with Alana or whispering with her jazz band friends. Every once in a while, he would walk past her table at lunch and Alana would turn and glare at him, or at least glare as well as she possibly could. She was just too good of a person to glare.

So he sat with Jared. Connor wasn’t going to school. Every morning, Evan woke up to a text that read “I wont make it today” and that was all he heard from him. Evan was at least pleased that Connor wasn’t angry enough to go completely off the map as he had done at times.

Jared seemed beat down, too. Evan supposed he had been neglecting him, in a way. But every time he asked, Jared assured him that he didn’t really care, Evan was just a family friend anyway. Everything felt washed out and dull.

Evan trudged back and forth to and from school. He missed homeworks, he didn’t study. Everything seemed empty.

He listened to the playlist and slept. 

One day, Evan saw Zoe crying in the chorus room. Mahoney was comforting her, and when Evan tried to come in to help she shot him a death glare and then refused to acknowledge his presence. Evan’s hand, hovering in front of him, didn’t feel like his own.

Evan called Jared as he did his homework, which was initially meant for help studying for his bio midterm but spiraled into Jared regaling the tales of his adventures at camp.

“And then we all shi-”

“Jared, what does CHNOPS stand for?”

“Okay, bitch. Way to interrupt me.” Jared’s tone was joking, even if his words weren’t. “Carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, OxyClean, potassium, and sulfur.”

“OxyClean?”

“I meant oxygen. Go fuck yourself.”

“I-I think it’s phosphorus, not potassium. At least, that’s what the textbook says.”

Jared barked out a rough laugh through the speakers. “Then what the fuck are you asking me for?”

“Are you even studying?” Evan asked.

“Nah. I’m playing Halo. Why?”

“I thought we were supposed to be study buddies!”

“Oh.” Jared paused. “I thought you just wanted someone to talk to. Why not call Alana? I bet she knows this shit. Or better yet, call up your boyfriend.”

“He’s- he’s gone MIA. And besides, you and I both know Connor’s in chemistry.” 

Jared was silent, the only sound on the other side of the phone the sound effects from the game. 

“Well, that’s not my problem. What do you think happened?”

“You-you just said it wasn’t your problem!”

“Yeah, but I still want the tea!”

Evan closed his textbook. “We-we got into a fight.” 

“Shit. About what?”

“It-it doesn’t, um, it doesn’t matter.” Evan prayed that Jared wouldn’t press the issue. He couldn’t risk spilling his secret now, of all times. 

“Huh.” 

“Tell me more about camp.”

“Oh my god. So the counselors, for zombie squad, you know I told you about that, they bought this plastic zombie baby from like, a party supply store. And it’s, like, enormous. It’s bigger than my head. And it has this weird black diaper. Anyway, the counselors bought this zombie baby and…”

Evan closed his eyes. It was cold in his room, and he wished he had his sweatshirt. Unfortunately, Connor had stolen it a long time ago. 

A small solar powered camping lantern washed the room in a soft orange light. Evan remembered how he got it; he had told Connor that he hated how bright his ceiling light was. In less than two days, Connor had come back with a small lantern. “It’s called a Luci,” he had said. “It’s inflatable, and you can change the colors, see?”

Evan turned off the lantern. “I need to go, Jared.” 

He hung up before Jared could respond. With the room dark and silent, Evan climbed into bed.

If nothing else would give him peace, maybe sleep would.

 

~

 

Evan was excited for the jazz band concert. 

It was the last concert of the year and Zoe had been buzzing about it for a month. It was cold for May, and everyone had dug their jackets out of the closets for one last spin around the block before putting them away for the summer. 

Heidi decided that, because it was the last concert, she would go with Evan to hear Zoe perform her solo. At this point, Evan had pretty much memorized it from her obsessive practicing. He had to admit, it was quiet without her playing the same run over and over again. He missed her. Evan didn’t like being ignored.

Heidi drove Evan to the high school, where they pushed through the crowds waiting for a varsity basketball game to get to the auditorium. The auditorium was full, teeming with parents and friends all waiting for the concert to begin.

Evan and Heidi took seats as close to the front as they could. Unfortunately, the seats were mostly full and the closest they could get was about halfway back. Evan saw the back of Connor’s head in the front row. 

Connor turned around and made smiled at Evan. He lifted his phone and pointed at Evan, which seemed to be a cue to check his phone. There were three texts from him.

From: Connor  
im still mad at you

From: Connor  
but

From: Connor  
how are u dong

Evan snorted.

From: me  
How am I dong?

From: Connor  
fuck u

From: Connor  
how are uou doing

Evan looks up to see Connor waiting patiently for a reply, his hair shielding what Evan knew was an embarrassed blush.

From: me  
Fine. I’ve been better. How are you?

From: Connor  
tbh pretty terrible

Evan waited for a reply, as Connor wasn’t usually one to shy away from a double text, but when he looked up Connor had put his phone away and was looking intently at the empty stage. 

Apparently the conversation was over.

Evan scrolled absently through Instagram, still half expecting a follow-up text from Connor. The scream of microphone feedback filled the auditorium, making Evan (and most of the people) jump. He silenced his phone and put it in his pocket, sneaking one last look at Connor.

A man Evan vaguely recognized was at the microphone. “Hello, everyone! Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. I’m Mr. Washington, the director of the jazz band.”

Uncertain applause. 

“We have a very special night ahead, so make sure you stick around. And please, turn off your phone. Don’t be that guy.” He smiled. “Without further ado, Pasek High School’s Jazz Ensemble!” 

A group of ten teens, all carrying various instruments, marched onstage. Zoe looked radiant, her hair braided intricately. She was wearing black slacks and a chic black blouse. She whispered something to Alana, who laughed before taking her place behind the piano. Zoe grabbed her red guitar and plucked a note. 

Mr. Washington leaned into the microphone once more. “Our first song is Summertime by Ella Fitzgerald with Maya Oswald on vocals.”

A girl, Maya, took Mr. Washington’s place at the microphone. Mr. Washington cued the band in with a “one, two, a-one two three four!” and the band was off.

Evan didn’t particularly like jazz. He thought the songs were too long and they all blended together after a while. So instead, Evan focused on the people in the band. Alana bopped to the music as she played, a bright grin on her face. Zoe played like there was no tomorrow, cradling her guitar under her arm as if it were the most important thing in her world. She smiled a half-grin, half-smirk that brightened her face. Her eyes shone under the stage lights and she tapped her foot to keep time. 

Evan found himself getting lost in the way she moved with the music, the way her fingers barely ghosted across the strings and how her silver rings gleamed in the light. She would close her eyes when she sang. 

Before Evan knew it, the band was playing their last song. The final note rang out through the auditorium, a moment of silence stretching between the stage and the audience before clapping overtook the room. The band stood up, Mr. Washington bowing for them as they beamed out to the audience. Mr. Washington leaned into the microphone. 

“I’m really sorry to keep you here for much longer, but one of our band members has an announcements she would like to share.” Mr. Washington looked back at the band. “Thank you all so much for coming, here is Zoe Murphy!”

The audience clapped. Someone in the balcony whooped out “yeah, Zoe!”. Zoe walked up to the microphone, considerably less confident than she had been before. 

“Hi, everyone.” Her voice was shaky and uncertain. She cleared her throat. “I’m Zoe. I don’t usually like doing speeches. Don’t really love the sound of my own voice, you know?” She laughed nervously. “But something came up and I really needed to share it.” 

Zoe took a deep breath. “My boyfriend, Evan, is in the audience tonight. I don’t know where he is, exactly.” She squinted against the lights to look out into the sea of people. “But he’s here tonight, I promise. This is for my amazing boyfriend, Evan Hansen.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have an accusation to make.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey this was a reallllyyy short chapter but whatever who cares not me  
> hey if you like torturing yourself through angst y'all should read my other fic Come Through its really sad and unfortunately based off of real events (i only have one chapter tho rip)  
> please. comments. i hunger.


	22. to believe it's all been worth the fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, Evan

Of all the shocked faces in the audience, Evan’s was the most horrified.

The room was thunderous with noise. People muttered to their neighbors, teenagers screamed and catcalled and whooped from the balcony.

Evan and his mother were shocked into a vacant silence. Evan’s eyes didn’t leave the stage, even when Heidi took him firmly by the arm and started to drag him out like a child having a tantrum in a grocery store. Zoe’s words still echoed in his head.

“Evan Hansen,” she had said, without a trace of nervousness in her voice. Only dry anger. “I know what you did. I know that you fucked my brother and I know that you kept doing it and I’m telling you right now that I will never forgive you.”

And then she was gone. 

Heidi had made it to the parking lot when Evan heard the thud of boots on the pavement. Somebody put a hand on his shoulder and spun him around to face a tall, terrifying, and very mad Connor Murphy.

“What the FUCK, Hansen?” He yelled. 

There was something in Connor’s eyes that made something inside Evan recoil. Fear, maybe. Fear of losing his sibling over one stupid mistake. Fear of losing his best friend over the same thing.

“If you’ll excuse us, Connor.” Heidi said firmly. “We have somewhere to be.”

“No, I need to talk to him.” Connor argued. His voice wasn’t as stern as Evan got the feeling he meant it to be. It was more… desperate. 

“It’ll have to wait.” It had been years since Heidi had used her ‘mom voice’, but it was coming out in full throttle. Evan was never scared of his mom, who had once baked brownies for the firefighters when they had come to the house on a false alarm, but he could imagine if he didn’t know her he would be scared halfway to hell and back.

“Five minutes,” Connor begged.

“No.” Heidi tightened her grip on Evan’s arm, making him worry it was going to fall off. “You can talk to him later. Tell your sister she did well in the concert for me, please.”

Connor took a step back, stumbling a little. “Evan,” he said, barely a whisper.

Out of the corner of his eye, Evan could see the Murphys descending on Connor like wolves. He wished he didn’t know about the screaming match that was going to go down at the Murphys’ house that night. 

But Heidi was already dragging him to the car, practically throwing him into the passenger seat. She slammed the driver’s door and jammed the keys in the ignition, her knuckles white on the steering wheel. Evan had been in the car with Connor when he was angry, and he really did admire his mother’s appreciation for the traffic codes.

Evan’s heart sped faster and faster. Logically, he knew his mother wasn’t going to do anything bad; she wouldn’t even kill spiders. But the little kid in him was screaming to run away before he got in trouble. 

The car was deadly quiet. Something inside Evan told him that if he put a hand in the air, he could take a fistful of the tension and mold it like putty. The houses and trees blurred together outside of the window. Lovell Lake passed in a flash, Middle Island sitting in the center, brooding yet comforting at the same time. 

As Heidi turned down their road, a dismissive dirt road packed down over time by hundreds of cars all either going to the trailer park or the cheap houses lining the road, Evan felt dread creep in.

Evan had always liked his street. Sure, the houses were nothing compared to the mansions by the lake, but they were hardly cottages. They were homey and it was commonplace to paint the houses bright colors to make up for the dusty windows and sagging porches. There were just enough trees stuffed between each house to give a degree of separation but not enough to isolate them. However, the familiar sight of the yellow and blue and pastel houses lining the sides of Pond Road only succeeded in making his heart sink further.

Heidi parked the car and got out, slamming the door and striding inside without looking back at Evan once. He unbuckled his seat belt and fumbled to open the door, dragging his feet in an attempt to delay the inevitable. Someone was barbecuing down the road and the Wilsons were having some sort of party.

Evan grit his teeth and went inside.

Heidi was pacing the kitchen, muttering softly to herself. Evan stood in the doorway, at loss for what to do.

Heidi must’ve heard him, because she turned to face her son with a look of disappointment and tired anger. For the first time, Evan could see clearly the bags under her eyes and the worry lines on her face. 

“Why would you do this, Evan?” She asked in a high-pitched, irate voice. “How could you do this? You- Zoe really liked you, it was obvious! And you destroyed that! How could you just throw somebody away like that?”

“I-I like him, mom. I really do.” Evan’s voice came out shaky and soft. “I-I love him.”

“So what? So what if you found a place where the grass was greener? You can’t just jump the fence to the other side whenever you want! Zoe deserved to know, Evan!” 

“I know!” Hot tears welled in Evan’s eyes. “I-I messed up and I get it! I’m a terrible person and-and I don’t- I just couldn’t!”

“I didn’t raise you like this! You saw how your father tore this family apart because of that- that cocktail waitress.” Heidi wiped at her eyes furiously. “I hope you had a nice time while you destroyed that poor girl’s heart! I hope you’re proud, Evan!”

Evan shattered. He sank into himself, his breath coming out in uncontrollable sobs. He wasn’t proud. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t a character in a teen novel and no powers that be were going to grant him a happy ending. 

He could imagine how strange it looked from the outside. Two people crying in their own hallway for very different reasons that, really, weren’t all that dissimilar.

After a few awkward seconds, Heidi stepped forward and pulled her son into a tight embrace. Evan cried into his mother’s shoulder for the first time in years. 

“You didn’t even tell me you liked boys,” Heidi said softly. Evan couldn’t stop the laugh that forced its way out. 

“Surprise.”

“What you did was awful, Evan.” Heidi put her hands on Evan’s shoulders and held him at arms-length. “But you’re my son and I’ll love you no matter what. Never forget that.”

Heidi led Evan out of the doorway and into the living room, where she sat him down on the couch and grabbed a box of tissues from the coffee table. “Now I need you to tell me everything that happened, okay?”

“I-It started on-at the jazz band party? I, um, everyone was-was drunk and-”

“You were drinking?” His mother interrupted. Evan sniffled awkwardly. “No, nevermind. That’s a problem for later. Continue.”

“Well, Zoe stay-stayed over at Alana’s and Connor offered to drive me home and-and I, um, I kiss-kissed him and, and. Yeah.” Evan’s face was beet red. “Then-then he, um, he ig-ignored me for a-a week and then I went over to-to talk to him. And, um. It, uh, you know.”

“Connor knew you were dating Zoe, though.”

Evan nodded. “We-we just. Mutually didn’t want to-to lo-lose each other? If that, um, makes sense.” 

Heidi knit her brows. “Evan, I need you to answer me truthfully. Did he- did Connor force you to do anything you didn’t want to do?”

Evan shook his head. 

“So the drinking, the- the sex, that was all- you wanted it?”

Evan nodded.

“Well, at least I don’t have to call the cops.” Heidi snorted a little at her own joke, if one could call it that. 

“What do I do?” Evan whispered. He was done ruining things. He needed to fix this.

“Apologize.” Heidi’s face was stern. “Go to Zoe and Connor and beg for forgiveness. They might not forgive you. They have no reason to forgive you. But you need to try.”

Evan nodded. 

Heidi stood up. “I don’t personally believe in that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ bullshit. But I swear to god if I ever hear about anything like this happening ever again, you will be dead before you can blink. You hear me?”

He smiled. “Thank you.”

 

~

 

Evan had never considered Pasek High a particularly gossipy school.

Maybe that was because he was never the subject of said gossip.

On Monday, Evan went to school with a heavy heart and a heavier backpack.

When he walked inside, the building was a hub of energy. Everyone, even the loners, had somebody to whisper to. Evan went to his locker, trying to block out how every other person seemed to be staring directly at him. 

“Look who it is,” said the boy at the locker next to him who he vaguely recognized from English. “The person of the week. You had us all fooled, Evan Hansen. I figured since you never stopped ogling Zoe in class there was no way you could be gay, but here we are.”

Evan bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah.”

“You know Danny Smalls?” The boy asked. Evan was pretty sure his name was Jake.

“Uh… no.” Evan really didn’t want to continue the conversation, but maybe-Jake wasn’t being outright rude, and he really didn’t want to ruin his already deteriorating reputation by walking away from a perfectly civil conversation. 

“He’s gay too. You should get together.”

The taste of blood filled Evan’s mouth. “Oh. Uh, sorry. I need to go to, um, I have class now.”

Maybe-Jake shrugged. “Your loss, dude.”

Evan kept his head low as he pushed through the halls on his way to math. He took his usual seat in the back. One of the stoners seemed to come out of his fog and leaned over to Evan’s desk.

“Is it true?” He asked. He smelled strongly of weed, which made something in his gut hurt. 

Evan looked at his desk. “Um. Yeah.”

“Sweet.”

Evan surveyed the room. The girls at the front murmured with each other. The only word he caught was ‘Zoe’. He noticed, with a pang, that Connor wasn’t in class. Was he even at school? 

Evan pulled out his phone to check for the indicative ‘I’m skipping’ text from Connor. Nothing.

The teacher marched over and held out her hand. “Phone, Evan.” She said.

Evan dutifully handed it over. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“You’re always so straight with the rules, I’ll give you a pass this time. But I don’t want to see it again, capisce?” 

“The rules are the only thing he’s straight with!” Someone called out, causing a ripple of laughter. 

The teacher only looked defeated. “Capisce, Evan?”

Evan barely choked out a “capisce” before sinking into his seat.

The rest of his classes passed similarly. Someone would make a tasteless joke, or everyone would whisper to themselves after a teacher called on him. 

Alana cornered him after history. “Hi!” She said cheerily. “I heard about what happened and I was wondering if you would be interested in joining the AGSA? Usually, schools have a Gay-Straight Alliance, but we made it All Genders and Sexualities Alliance to open it up more. Anyway, I remember how difficult it was when I came out without that support network, so I’m extending the offer to you. Zoe told me not to ask you, but I figured what the heck. No harm, right?”

She paused her monologue to wait for a response. 

Evan needed to say something. “I, um, I think I-I’m bi. Not. Um. Gay.” 

“Well, that’s why we’re all genders and sexualities! We meet on Wednesdays if you’re interested.” Alana shifted her backpack. “I’d better get to class. See you later, Evan!”

The bell ringing (ringing was the wrong term, more like beeping) shocked him out of his daze. Evan needed to go to lunch. Was he really going to the cafeteria, or was he going to wimp out and sit in the library? 

Then again, there was the possibility of people in the library and he was pretty hungry.

Evan walked with the horde of teenagers to the cafeteria. He felt like that moment in the Lion King when Mufasa dies, except he was Mufasa and the wildebeests (?) at the same time. 

The lunch was chicken tenders, which was Connor’s favorite lunch, and Evan took his food to one of the few empty tables, which happened to be smack dab in the middle of the room. Teenagers, for some reason, always seemed to congregate around the edges.

Evan sat alone at the table, eating his chicken tenders and contemplating life, when an obnoxious voice from behind him half-yelled “well, if it isn’t the man of the hour!”

Evan turned to face the source of the sound. “Hi, Jared.” 

“‘Sup, Evan.” Jared took a seat next to him. “Tell me everything, dude. This is the biggest story Pasek High has ever had, next to that time Julia Delevingne got pregnant by a teacher.”

“I’m sure there have been plenty of-of cheaters, Jared.”

“Yeah, but none of them cheated on their girlfriend with her brother!” Jared was too loud. Evan wanted to hide. “That’s just fucked up! Tell me everything!”

“I, um, plead the fifth.”

“That only works in court, man.” Jared attempted to throw a grape in the air and catch it in his mouth but only succeeded in throwing a grape in the air. “Who topped?”

Evan really didn’t want to indulge his friend in any sort of information, but he couldn’t stop his mouth from blurting out “me”. Which was a horrendous lie and also, very obviously false to anyone who knew him. 

But Jared seemed to buy it. “You? Holy shit!” Again, Jared was much too loud for the busy cafeteria. People from other tables had started to turn around to look. “You’re telling me that you, Evan Carter Hansen, put your daddy stick inside Connor Murphy’s-”

“No!” Evan shouted, trying to stop Jared before he went too far and ruined any sort of dignity he had left. “It was a lie, I lied. Okay? I lied. I bottomed.”

Except what really came out was more “NoitwasalieasjaofkahIbottomed!”

Jared looked ecstatic to have uncovered this goldmine of information. “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Damn, Hansen.”

Evan buried his face in his arms.

Around the table, teenagers watched in delight as the situation unfolded.

“Was it kinky? Do you like kinky sex? Does he?” 

“Have you ever even had sex, Jared?” Evan asked, indignant. “Because the fact that you call penises ‘daddy sticks’ im-implies otherwise.”

Someone at another table shouted “oh, snap!”

Jared tried to hide his embarrassed blush. “Fuck. Drag me down with you, why don’t you?”

Evan turned his focus back to his lunch with the feeling that he had won. It wasn’t until the attention of the other students had been lost that Jared spoke up once more.

“One more question.” 

Evan gave Jared a nasty side-eye. 

“Whose dick is bigger?”

And Evan, having lost any sense of dignity, threw all common sense out the window and took a leaf out of Connor’s book.

He remembered what he had said when they were curled up watching Parks and Rec on the Hansens’ couch. “Remember,” Connor had told him with a voice too knowledgeable for an eighteen year-old. “If anyone ever asks you a question you don’t want to answer, answer it like April Ludgate would. It’s worked for me with minor casualties.”

So Evan took a deep breath. What would April Ludgate say?

“Your mom’s.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry y'all
> 
> posting chapter 22 on the 22? illuminati confirmed 
> 
> i don't know how homophobic Connecticut is (i live in Massachusetts lmao) so i figured we're gonna shy away from outright homophobia and stay more on the side of "oh theres a guy who fucked his girlfriends brother lets be shitty high schoolers and make shitty jokes"
> 
> to me, heidi swearing is the same effect of "because somebody fucking has to" from camp camp
> 
> comment and subscribe and listen to goin' viral


	23. lies II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is now the newest celebrity of Pasek High.

On Tuesday, someone posted a video.

Nobody really knew who posted it first, just that by third period, every student in the school had watched it five times over.

It wasn’t graphic, per se. But it was pretty awful. 

It was security footage.

Evan, ironically, seemed to see the video after everyone else. He had no idea that anything had happened until Jared pulled him aside in the hall and shoved a phone in his face. 

It was the Murphys’ foyer, that was obvious. The time stamp was December 10, 11:56. Nothing struck him as unusual at first. 

The door opened and in came Connor and Evan. Of course it was difficult to tell in the dark, but it was obvious. It was even more obvious when Evan nothing less than jumped Connor as the cameras caught everything.

“Security cameras, Einstein,” Jared said. “The Murphys are filthy rich, do you honestly think they wouldn’t have a way to monitor their precious, probably forged, artwork?”

Evan couldn’t even feel his heartbeat anymore. “Who posted this?”

“Nobody knows. Did you seriously not hear about this?” Jared laughed. “Everybody’s been talking about it.”

“Oh. O-oh no. This… this is terrible.”

“Are you kidding? This is amazing! This is like, as gay as San Junipero!” 

“This-this isn’t TV, Jared.” Evan pushed the phone away before he could see more of himself aggressively making out with Connor from an eagle-eye view like some sort of messed-up dissociation. “This is serious.”

“It’s not that bad. Did you know Brian McCarter is saying that you like BDSM? Because that’s happening.”

Evan’s chest dropped out as the world started spinning around him. He seemed to vaguely recognize that he was shutting down and that Jared was waving a hand in front of his face, but that was as much background as the beeping of the bell was.

“Evan? Evan, the bell rang.” Even Jared, asshole extrordinaire, couldn’t mask the worry in his voice. “Do you need, like, a paper bag or something?”

His vision started to blur and his spiraling thoughts amped up so loud that he couldn’t even hear the rest of the hallway chatter anymore. 

“I’m going to take you to the nurse, okay?”

His mom was going to find out. She was going to find the video and be even more disgusted in her son and then none of the colleges would accept him because nothing really goes away on the internet, and-

Evan registered a hand on his back, gently guiding him through the crowd of students. His feet seemed to be working on autopilot, walking towards the nurse’s office on muscle memory alone. 

Through the static in his ears he could hear the nurse say “what happened?”

“I don't know. He just got all unresponsive. I think it’s a panic attack, but he’s usually not like this.”

The nurse led Evan to one of the cots on the far end and sat him down. She seemed to walk back towards Jared. “Do you know what could’ve triggered this?”

“Uh… there was this video.” 

The nurse hummed in understanding. “Alright. Well, you get to class and don’t worry about Evan. Okay?”

Jared didn’t respond, but soon the nurse was sitting on the cot beside Evan. “Hey. I need you to take deep breaths for me, okay?”

At this point, Evan’s thoughts of youfuckedupyoumassivefailure and howcouldyoudothisyoudisgustingcreature had blended together into a sick torrent of rampant attacks. 

Evan tried to push away the voices and do as she said. In, out. In, out. 

“Okay, great. What language do you take?”

Evan’s mouth was impossibly dry. It seemed impossible for him to say anything, but he eventually choked out a weak “Spanish”. 

“Perfect.” The nurse put a hand on his back, rubbing it softly like his mother used to. “Can you count to twenty in Spanish for me?”

“Uno.” Evan’s tongue felt like it was too big for his mouth. He tried to keep breathing steadily. In, out. In, out. “Dos. Tres. Cuatro. Cinco. Seis. Siete. Ocho. Nueve. Diez.”

Evan felt himself slowly coming out of the fog. “Once. Doce. Trece. Catorce. Uh… quince. Dieciseis. Diecisiete. Dieciocho. Diecinueve. Veinte.” 

“Amazing. Do you feel better?” Evan felt the cool absence on his back when the nurse retracted her hand. 

Evan nodded weakly.

“Okay. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Well, there was this video.” Evan was surprised at how steady his own voice was. “Of-of me. And I just… freaked out.”

“Huh.” She paused. “Well, I would stay away from it.”

Evan curled up on the cot, the cold plastic pressed against his cheek. “Easier said than done.”

“Do you need anything?”

Evan just shook his head and closed his eyes.

He stayed there the entirety of the next period, counting to twenty over and over again just to dispel the thoughts that kept crawling in.

You’re worthless, the voices would say. Connor only stayed with you out of pity and now he’s just going to leave you in the dust.

Uno, Evan would think. Dos. Tres.

 

~

 

Evan got a ride home from Jared that day. Usually, he would walk or get a ride from Connor, but those seemed out of the question.

So Evan made his way through the senior lot until he came upon Jared’s mom’s old station wagon. It was a warm early summer day and Jared had the windows down blasting “Heaven Is A Place On Earth”. 

Evan climbed into the car, where Jared started to sing in his face dramatically. As much as Evan questioned Jared’s music tastes, he had always been weak for eighties pop. He joined in on the chorus, the two boys singing recklessly and off-key (well, Jared was). It seemed like the type of thing he would do with Connor or Zoe. Evan breathed deeply, relishing in the lack of candle-scented air in the old Honda. 

“Ready to go?” Jared asked over the music. Evan nodded, and the two drove away. As the song faded away, Jared said “you never actually told me what happened with Connor. I want to know everything, dude. I’m, like, your best friend. You can’t keep shit like this from me!”

“Family friend,” Evan mumbled.

“Hey, I’m driving your ass home. At least be nice about it, dickhead.” Jared rolled his eyes. “Seriously, tell me. I promise I won’t say anything.”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Evan offered, trying to change the subject.

Jared clicked his tongue. “Ah, but satisfaction brought it back. Tell everything to daddy Kleinman.”

Evan sunk down in his seat. “Only if you stop calling yourself da-daddy Kleinman.”

“Never. So, I assume it has something to do with December tenth. That was Hannukah though, right?” 

“Yeah.” Evan resigned himself to looking out the window as they drove. “Zoe threw a party. And-and everyone got really drunk.”

“No, not like that.” Jared turned onto a side street. So he was taking the scenic route. Perfect. “I want the nitty gritty.”

“Well, we- we had sex. What-what do you want?” 

“Okay. You’re clearly not getting this.” Jared rolled his eyes like an angsty teenager. “I’ll ask you questions and you’ll say yes or no. Sound good?”

“No-”

“Great, you’re already getting into the hang of it! Question one. Is Connor kinky?”

Evan’s face burned. “It-it depends on your definition-“

“Ah-ah, yes or no.”

“But-”

Jared sighed dramatically. “Fine. Hickeys?”

“Yes,” Evan mumbled.

“Hair pulling?”

“Yes.”

“Him or you?”

Evan shot Jared a side-eye. “What do you think?”

Jared grinned like a kid in a candy shop. “Ooh, feisty.”

Evan stared out the window at Lovell Lake, where families had brought babies and teenagers sat on long-abandoned docks and drank vodka out of water bottles. “Are- are we done yet?”

“No.” Jared thought for a second. “Uh… bondage?”

Evan didn’t know how red a human’s face could physically get, but he was definitely pushing the limits. “No!”

“Ugh. Boring.” Jared pulled into the Hansens’ driveway. “One last question,” he said as Evan tried to escape the hellhole of a car, his hand on the door. “Sex toys?”

“No!” Evan half-yelled. He was going to have to take a picture and send it to a scientist for studies on human face-redness limitations. “I-I need to go.”

“Yeah, well, thanks for playing along. It won’t help though, Mark B. is already telling people that you’re into bondage. So there’s that.”

Evan pushed open the door before Jared could say anything worse. “Thanks for warning me.”

“No problemo,” Jared said, saluting and cranking up the radio. The Honda leaked eighties music as it went further and further away, leaving Evan in the quiet heat of summer.

 

~

 

Wednesday was a hot May day.

As Evan walked, he tried to think about the most trivial things possible to keep his mind occupied. The word mayday came from French, m’aidez. Help me. Evan felt like stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and yelling “M’AIDEZ!” into the wind, but he kept walking, head to the ground. 

Soldiers had misheard m’aidez and turned it into mayday, but was it World War I or II? It was Evan trying to think back to sophomore year history that caused him to bump into the person in the sidewalk who was currently trying to tie their shoe.

A girl, maybe a freshman, looked up to him with surprise. “Oh. Hi. Evan, right?”

Evan nodded.

The girl stood up and held out her hand. “Izzy.”

Evan tentatively shook it. “Evan. Wait, you already-wait, no. I’m Evan Hansen.”

“Yeah.”

“Evan.” He just kept babbling, repeating his own name like a two year old. “That’s me.”

“Cool.” Izzy seemed sort of weirded out, but walked with Evan as he started moving nonetheless. “So, I heard about the rumors.”

Evan nodded again.

“This girl in my chorus class said she saw you giving that Connor kid a blowjob behind the A gym. Is that true?” Evan admired how easily that rolled off her tongue, as if the freshman casually talked about blowjobs often.

Evan almost choked on his own air. “N-no. I- we never- I, um, no. That’s not true.”

“Cool. Y’all kept it cas.” She pronounced it like ‘caj’. Evan must’ve looked confused, because she clicked her tongue and explained “it’s short for casual.”

“Oh.”

“So. I know plenty of people probably ask about his dick and shit, but I’m a slut for love.” She cocked her head. “Which is not something I thought I would ever say. So my question is, what is your favorite memory of Connor?”

“I don’t-” Evan began to shut down the question, but the warmth in his stomach told him to do otherwise. “One time we-we were watching a movie. I don’t, um, I don’t remember what movie it was.”

“Let’s say it’s Gnomeo and Juliet.”

Evan laughed in spite of himself. “Sure. And-and Connor, he talks during movies.”

Izzy scoffed. “What a dick.”

“I know! He-he’ll comment on things and make hypotheses about how it’s going to end and he’s always right.” Evan smiled. “So he was talking during one of, like, the most important parts in the movie and to shut him up I throw popcorn at him. And so he takes some popcorn and throws it at me and-and we get into, you know, a full popcorn battle. And to de-escalate the-the tension he kisses me and it was just… just such a nice day.”

Izzy put her hand on her chest in a ‘bless her heart’ way. “Aaaw. You’re, like, the most adorable person ever, you know that?”

Evan grinned shyly. “Oh.”

“I go in here.” Izzy thumbed at the door closest to them. Evan hadn’t even realized they had gotten to school. “Fare thee well, fellow gay.” She made the Spock hand sign and pushed open the door, disappearing into the school.

Evan stood there, outside of the cafeteria entrance to the high school, with a smile on his face. He knew he looked weird, but he had probably gone way past that point. 

Some boys in his gym class drove up and yelled out “who knew you were a fucking bottom, Evan?”

But he was so beyond caring that he just let them yell, smiling at the memory of the weird freshman girl who was a slut for love.

Because in a way, he was too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all know i was originally going to make jared be a dick to evan but i really couldn't do it to m'child. so you're welcome.
> 
> please please comment that good shit 
> 
> the next chapter will be Extra Gay


	24. i just want it to be perfect II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The AGSA meeting didn't go too well.

The Pasek High School AGSA met in the sophomore English class on the third floor.

The desks were arranged in a lazy circle, with students lounging in seats or up on the desks themselves. They chatted amiably and looked at their phones. They looked comfortable with each other, and Evan wanted that so badly.

He sat down at one desk by the door. Evan took out his phone and refreshed his email, waiting for something, though he didn’t quite know what.

Maybe five minutes later Alana and someone Evan didn’t know stood up to get the attention of the group.

“Welcome to our weekly AGSA meeting!” Alana said, always a pinnacle of joy. “Now, we have some new members so what we’re going to do is go around in a circle and say our name, preferred pronouns, and our sexuality. You can always pass.” She grinned. “I’ll start. My name’s Alana, I use she/her pronouns, and I’m a lesbian.”

The person next to Alana went next, saying “I’m Smith. They/them genderqueer. I’m bi.”

And they went around. “Gaby, she/her, gay.” 

“Stars, they/them, ace.”

“JJ. He/him, bisexual.”

“Connor.” Evan looked up from his hands. Sure enough, Connor was sitting in a desk in a far corner, tucked away so that you really had to look to see. He assumed that was the point. “He/him. Gay as fuck.”

They kept going, but Evan was only focused on Connor, who tapped his feet to some unknown rhythm and picked at his nail polish as he watched the students introduce themselves.

“Andy, she/her, straight ally.” The room was quiet until Andy spoke up again. “It’s your turn.”

Evan tore his eyes away from Connor and cleared his throat awkwardly. “Oh. Uh, Evan. He/him. Um, bi? Maybe?”

“That’s okay,” Alana assured him. “We fully support you even if you’re still questioning. Who’s next?”

There was only one person left, Abby, who used she/her pronouns and was pansexual. Then Alana pulled out her seemingly ever-present all-topics purple binder and flipped to a fitting rainbow tab marked ‘AGSA’. 

“Okay. So on the agenda for today we have our usual general discussion on LGBT+ topics in our own school, our discussion on outside of school, and planning for our campaign for gender-neutral bathrooms. Sound good?” Everyone nodded. “Alrighty, then. Who wants to start?”

One kid in the back, Evan was pretty sure his name was Sawyer, spoke up first. “I saw that someone wrote some pretty homophobic graffiti in the boy’s bathrooms.”

Smith nodded. “And what does this graffiti entail?”

“Calling out members of the school and faculty and shit like that. And it has the f-slur in it a bunch.”

Alana frowned. “Who else has seen this? Show of hands.” 

About five people raised their hands including Evan and Connor. Graffiti was pretty commonplace in the boy’s bathrooms, whether it be racist, homophobic, sexist, or just plain stupid. During Evan’s junior year someone carved the n-word into a stall and the administration started a whole school-wide investigation. Luckily, Evan was in the clear given that it was in the art hallway and he didn’t take any art electives. He remembered Connor had been under pretty heavy investigation, though. 

“Well, maybe we can create a group email to send to the faculty and ask what their planned course of action is. Does that seem like a good way of handling this?” Alana asked, scribbling something in her binder.

The students nodded.

“Okay. Does anybody else have anything they’d like to discuss?” Smith said, fiddling with the buttons on their flannel.

A girl in the back, Gaby, raised her hand. “I, uh, I hate to call attention to particular members of this group, but the recent… scandal has really put a negative light on the LGBT community in this school.”

Evan could feel all eyes on him. 

“I hate to agree.” JJ said. “Just the other day my girlfriend asked if I was sleeping with my best guy friend, which I’m not. But it’s really put all of us in a really compromising situation.”

Evan knew that everyone was staring at him as he kept his eyes down at the penciled graffiti on the desk. His throat felt too tight.

“We’ve sort of flown under the radar before this,” Stars said. “And now we’ve been shoved into the spotlight, if that makes sense.”

Alana nodded knowingly. “What do you think we can do about this?”

“I think an important thing to do is to talk to the administration and probably the guidance counselors to check in on if they’re keeping tabs on the problem students.” Gaby said. “Not us, but like, the ones who are making all the shitty jokes. To make sure it doesn’t escalate. Because I’m sure it’ll eventually die down. It is just gossip, after all.”

“I don’t know much about this club,” Connor said. Evan looked up. “But I think it’s important for us to market ourselves as a safe space for anyone, closeted or not, who might feel like they’ve come under fire because of this.” He took a deep breath. “And I know you didn’t want to call anyone out, but I’m sorry. You guys don’t deserve this shit because of me.”

“No!” Evan protested. “It was my fault, blame me, it was all me.” Everyone’s head swiveled to Evan.

“No, it fucking wasn’t.” Connor argued. “I’m not saying you’re blameless, but it wasn’t all your fucking fault. Let me take some responsibility here.”

Alana laughed nervously. “Hey. Let’s talk about this later, okay? We need to keep an open forum for discussion.”

Evan nodded and averted his eyes back down to his desk. 

“It just makes me so angry,” Abby said. “One girl who I thought was my best friend stopped hanging out with me because she said I was a ‘predatory les’. She hasn’t ever commented on my sexuality before now, but I’m losing my friends and my nana doesn’t invite me over for dinner anymore because of this stupid scandal.”

This was his worst fear. They were confirming all his deep-down insecurities; everyone’s life was ruined because of him. He messed up royally and because of that everybody else is suffering too, you disgusting person. Evan felt like he was going to throw up as hot tears welled in his eyes.

“I know!” JJ said. “Half the guys on the football team won’t talk to me anymore and the coach has suggested I start changing in the bathrooms. It’s like, why should we have to face consequences because two random kids made a stupid mistake? It’s not okay!”

Evan didn’t even know what he was doing, but the next thing he knew he had stood up, the chair screeching out behind him. “Evan?” Alana said, her voice thick with worry. “Evan, he didn’t mean it like that.” But the waterworks had opened, and there was nothing to do except flee the scene like the coward he was.

As the door closed behind him, he caught a snippet of conversation. “Maybe I should go after him,” Alana offered. 

“Don’t.” Said Connor.

Evan walked blindly to the closest stairwell and collapsed. Luckily, the school was mostly empty after hours, save for a few people going to and from the bathroom. The blue linoleum of the stairs swam in front of his eyes as he cried shamelessly in the stairwell for no reason at all. 

He had just been filling up with emotions until this moment, where it all came spilling over like the straw that broke the camel’s back. All these people who agreed with the nasty little voices in his head, who told him outright that he was ruining their lives because of his stupid mistake. 

But at the time it didn’t feel like a mistake.

That was the problem; he was selfish. He only thought about temporary satisfaction instead of long-term consequences. He was awful and disgusting and-

“Evan?”

Through the dirty-glass effect of his tears came a tall figure standing in front of him, his arms awkwardly in his pockets and his stance nervous.

Connor.

“You don’t want to talk to me,” Evan responded immediately. As the words tumbled out of his mouth he knew they were lies. He wanted to tell Connor everything; he wanted to talk and laugh with him and kiss him again.

“Evan. Listen to me.” Connor sat down on the stairs next to him. “Can you name five things you can see?”

“I’m not- this isn’t a panic attack. Just leave me alone.” 

“Can you read that poster on the wall over there?”

Evan looked up. There was a pink piece of paper on the wall left over from when the teacher had made little ‘love letters to the school’ for Valentine’s Day. “Dear PHS,” he read dutifully. The neon pink made his eyes ache. “We love you because… of your curiosity, kindness, and love.”

Connor smiled softly. “Damn right, we do. You know nobody actually hates you, right?”

“Nonono, that’s not true. They all despise me be-because I’m horrible and-and disgusting and-“

“Hey.” Connor put his hand over Evan’s. His fingers were cold, or maybe Evan was hot. “Nobody thinks that. I promise. If anything, people hate me. You’re… too cute to hate.”

Evan shook his head mutely.

“It’s true.” Connor grinned. And Evan took this opportunity to truly look at Connor. His eyes were red and had huge purple bags under them as if he hadn’t slept in days. His lips were dry and cracked, the auburn roots of his hair were greasy and matted. He was a mess. “I really like you. Zoe might not act like it, but she really likes you too. And I don’t know where I would be if I had never met you. Probably lying dead in a ditch or something. It doesn’t matter.”

Evan wiped at his eyes and leaned his head on Connor’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

Connor shifted so that Evan was nestled comfortably against his body. They sat in silence for a while. Evan assumed the AGSA meeting was still going on and most likely people were wondering where they were. But Evan didn’t think he would be able to move even if he tried. 

Somebody walked past the staircase, whistling and swinging an empty water bottle. They turned and saw the two, a shocked expression fleeting across their face before a conspiratorial smirk overtook it. 

“People are going to say we fucked in the stairwell,” Connor said.

Evan yawned. He felt inexplicably tired, but he couldn’t place why. Maybe it was the warmth of Connor’s body. Maybe it was the comfort of feeling someone’s chest rise and fall with yours and feeling your hearts beat in perfect time. “Let them.”

Something inside Evan compelled him to take Connor’s hand, so he did. For some reason, Evan expected Connor’s hands to feel different, but they were as cold and spindly as they always had been. 

“What the fuck is this?”

Both looked up to see Zoe standing above them. 

Connor stood up suddenly, making Evan almost fall before regaining his balance. 

Zoe bit her lip. “I thought we weren’t talking to him anymore.”

“He needed help,” Connor argued.

“That’s what the nurse’s office is for. Come on, I need to drive you home.”

Connor put his hands on his hips. “You know, you’re really being a bitch right now.”

Zoe cocked an eyebrow. “Really? Because I thought you were the bitch for fucking my boyfriend, but sure, blame me.”

“Zoe.”

“Connor. We are needed at home.” Zoe grabbed his arm. “Come on.”

“Bye, Evan.”

“Connor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was not planning on writing this chapter but whateverrrrr   
> i also just baked cookies and i ate so much raw dough i think i have salmonella
> 
> like and comment and shit also 2 more chapters!!!


	25. it's all been worth the fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With June came graduation.

Graduating high school was something Evan had been waiting for for as long as he could remember.

All through the last week of school, the senior class was abuzz with “I can’t wait for summer” and “what college are you going to?” and “it doesn’t feel real, doesn’t it?”

Luckily, the school was too caught up in their own futures to even think about Evan and Connor. 

That was a welcome relief, as the past month had been, without a doubt, one of the worst in Evan’s life. Somehow, the natural rule of high school gossip (it goes away after a week and you never talk about it again unless your parents beg to know what’s going on in school so you drag up some old drama to satisfy their need for a deeper connection with their child) didn’t end up applying and the rumors only mutated and twisted as time went on.

As the rumors ran rampant, so did Evan’s steadily declining mental state. It wasn’t easy to keep a smile when the entire school seemed to be against you. Everyone was on Zoe’s side, and although the jokes and gossip seemed steeped in homophobia, the real underlying tone was a message of ‘how could you?’

So while people made jokes about what it was like to take it up the ass and spread rumors that Connor liked handcuffs, Evan spiraled into a state of distrust and isolation. Even Jared, who he had always trusted, seemed like an enemy. After all, he had never been hesitant to spill Evan’s secrets across the school. 

One day, Evan snapped at him. Jared had made some sort of joke and he just… lost it. Looking back, Evan didn’t even remember what he had said, but Jared’s response rang in his ears for weeks. 

“Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!” 

And Jared, who was never bothered to rush anywhere in his life, bolted away from his former friend into the chaos of the student body as they walked from class to class.

So that left him with two allies, Izzy and Alana. After AGSA one day, Alana told him that it was her who suggested Zoe check the security footage even before the concert, back when Zoe was just beginning to have suspicions that something was off, although she didn’t know what. So Evan stopped going to AGSA meetings. He ignored her in the hallway. When Alana tried to talk to him after history, he would mumble something like “I’m late for bio” and flee the scene.

When Izzy caught up to him in the mornings, Evan didn’t talk. He analyzed every word, hunting for any sort of attack. So while she babbled about how awful the director of the play was, Evan disappeared into his own delusion land, grasping at straws to try and find some excuse to cut ties with her just so that he could be freed of the struggle of trying to put up so many barriers.

So Evan suffered alone, withdrawn from everyone who cared. He was standing up to his shoulders in a cold ocean and a wave was coming, higher than the eye could see.

And then just before the wave broke, graduation came. And the senior class forgot about any petty drama they had cared about before and gave into the rush of exhilaration the concept of graduating high school gave them. But Evan was still alone, still miserable. 

The morning of graduation dawned hot and bright. It was a humid June day with sun that could blind you if you looked up. 

Evan dressed in his signature khakis and a blue button-down. Heidi took no less than seven hundred pictures before they climbed into the car with Evan’s robe folded neatly across his lap. 

The ceremony was on the football field, with a shabby stage set up on one side and a bunch of folding chairs on the other. Already the field was full of parents and teens in their blue robes. Some of the caps were decorated, some weren’t. Evan looked down at his own blank cap. 

Heidi helped Evan into the robe, which was approximately 500 degrees. He fit the cap on his head and shuffled over to join the throng of students. Alana stood nervously, frantically reading and re-reading a paper. When she saw Evan, she brightened.

“Hey! You excited to graduate?” She asked, her smile almost impossibly wide. “I am. Did you hear? I got accepted by Yale!”

Evan had heard. Everybody had heard.

He didn’t want to forgive her. But she was Alana, and she seemed like a balloon of joy that would pop with a single prick. “O-Oh,” he managed to choke out. “That’s great.”

“Isn’t it?” Alana seemed like if she got any happier, she would explode. “Where are you going?”

“I, um, I don’t know. I’m taking a gap year.”

“How cool!” 

It really wasn’t. Alana drifted away, where she cornered another poor teenager who looked less than thrilled to be roped into a conversation with her. Evan stood alone, pulling at his robe and adjusting his hat by millimeters. 

From behind him came a cough. Evan turned to see Connor, standing behind him and looking quite laughable in his robe and a cap embellished with rainbow letters saying “kick ass and take names” in all caps. 

“Hey.”

Evan swallowed. “Hey.”

“Graduation, huh?”

It was really nothing more than casual conversation to fill the space, but it meant everything to Evan. After a month of radio silence and outright ignoring, Connor was talking to him. 

“Yeah.”

“Never thought I’d get this far.” Connor was fidgeting with the sleeves of his robe. “Ask Alana.”

“What?”

Connor looked at Evan forlornly. “Nevermind. I’ve got to go.”

“But-“

But Connor was already gone, disappeared into the crowd of students. 

The principal made his way up the stage, tapping on the microphone a few times. Feedback squealed through the field, making everyone wince and a few people yelp.

The students made their way to their designated seats, hugging their friends one last time before sitting with the rest of the students with the same initial. Evan was sitting next to a girl whose seat said ‘Victoria Hangley’. 

The principal said a few bland words, a cookie-cutter speech about going into the world and doing good in their lives. Then Alana took the podium. Her robe seemed to be different than the rest. Instead of a neon blue cotton potato sack, it was silky-looking and made her look like someone you would see on the cover of a college admissions pamphlet.

“Hello,” she began, smiling out at the audience. “My name is Alana Beck. You might know me as the valedictorian, that annoying girl from class, or, if you’re in any clubs, the president.” 

There was a smattering of applause. “I’m not saying this from a place of pride. That’s just who I am. I’ve always been goal-oriented, always tried to reach the top. When I was little, my dads always told me that people were always going to walk over me, as a queer woman of color. So they told me that I needed to be strong and always look towards the future. And that has helped me. I’m, as I said, valedictorian, I’m graduating with over thirty hours of extra community service. So although it’s nice to be Ivy League bound, I’ve really missed out on a lot of vital high school experiences.” She paused and flipped her paper over. “If you know me, I’ve probably snubbed you as an ‘acquaintance’. If you’ve invited me to a party, I’ve probably blown it off. So during this speech I’m honoring the few people I call my friends. And if I don’t say your name, know that you have officially graduated not only from high school, but from my acquaintanceship. I am proud to call you all my friends.

“First, I’d like to call out Zoe Donncha Murphy. And I know you hate your middle name, but I practiced for this occasion and Gaelic is really hard.” A few people laughed at that. Probably the Murphys. “She is my best friend. And yes, I know she’s a junior, but I felt like it would be unfair to not mention her. I met Zoe in fifth grade after a band concert. She had a trumpet solo and had flubbed miserably. I comforted her while she cried backstage and look at her now! Lead guitar in the jazz band. You can knock anybody dead with your musical skills and gladly will if anybody tells you no.” 

A few people laughed; a few whooped.

“Marianne Lonati, AKA Marianne “Lunatic”. You are my Latin study buddy and a great friend. I’ve known you since middle school, when you punched a kid and got suspended for a week. You’ve taught me what it means to be a strong woman, and I thank you for that. Have fun at Berklee. Ave mulier!” 

Again, scattered reactions.

“Evan Hansen.” Evan’s heart stopped. What was Alana doing? “I know you probably hate me shouting you out like this, and I know we’re not really friends. But I think I’ve ambushed you outside of class enough times to consider you a friend. You, and this sort of goes without saying, were caught in one of the biggest chunks of gossip Pasek High has seen since a history teacher impregnated Julia Delvigne.” Some people booed. Evan felt like he was going to puke.

“But you never let it get to you. You were strong in times of turmoil and I respect that so much.” Evan couldn’t help but smile. Sure, he had never really considered Alana a close friend, but he really did feel honored to be in her speech, however embarrassing it may be. 

“Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to honor Connor Murphy. You are also an amazing friend. A lot of people think we became friends after the aforementioned scandal, but that’s not true.” Alana took a shaky breath. “Connor and I met junior year at the hospital. We had both overdosed on pills individually and were found twenty feet from each other in the same park.” 

A ripple of noise swept through the audience. People muttered to each other or gasped to themselves. Victoria Hangley whispered ‘oh my god’. 

“In the hospital, Connor told me something I’ll never forget. He told me that even though he was weak, I was tough and that I was going to kick death’s ass before it got me.” Alana wiped at her eyes. “Connor Murphy, you are not weak. You and I are going to kick death’s ass and live to change the world. You hear me?”

This time, there was real applause. From behind Evan, Connor yelled ‘fucking yeah!’, causing some people to giggle.

“What do all of these people have in common?” Alana asked the audience. “I’ll tell you. They all made mistakes and they all rose above them. And that’s what I leave with you as you go into the world. Mistakes are part of human nature. What you need to do is flip fate the bird and keep going because one day, you’re going to look back on your mistakes and laugh. I promise.”

All around Evan, people clapped and whooped and cheered. A few students preemptively threw their caps. 

Alana did a cute little bow and hustled offstage, her heels clicking as she walked. The principal took his place at the podium, announcing that he was going to be calling up the students alphabetically to receive their diplomas.

“Samantha Abbey.”

Samantha mounted the stage and shook hands with the principal, taking her diploma with a smile as bright as the sun. The crowd applauded respectfully; the sound of hundreds of claps hurt Evan’s head.

“Jake Acoli.”

They slowly but surely made their way through the alphabet. Evan wasn’t sure if he was sweating because of nerves or because of the intense summer heat. 

It wasn’t until a boy named Sam Hackman was called that Evan really started to lose it. What if he fell? Or what if he fainted? After all, he hadn’t had much to drink and besides, he had probably already sweated out all his fluids.

Was he really ready to graduate? He wasn’t even going to college. He didn’t even like asking to go to the bathroom. 

Evan felt like he was going to collapse right then and there. 

“Julia Handler.” 

Evan was next. He was standing in front of the stairs, watching Julia climb onto the stage with an ease he would never be able to achieve. As she shook the principal’s hand and smiled out into the audience, a wave of applause overwhelmed the empty chatter of students and parents. 

Evan’s hands were sweaty. Oh god, he was going to have to shake hands with the principal with hands that felt like he had just shoved them under a faucet. 

“Evan Hansen.”

One foot at a time, Evan climbed the small stairs and made his way across the stage. It was so, so hot and he probably had a sunburn. Had he even remembered to put on sunscreen?

The principal was smiling and holding out a diploma. Where was he supposed to put his hands? Shake with right, take with left, his teacher had said. Evan extended his clammy hands, taking the rolled-up diploma with a shaky smile.

He expected to hear the now-background noise of thunderous applause like everyone else, but was instead met with tense silence.

A good ten parents clapped halfheartedly, in the way that was “oh, you’re not my kid but you’re graduating anyway so good job I guess”, but the student body was quiet.

Evan’s heart sank like a stone. So this was it. The entire senior population of Pasek High hated him and wouldn’t even clap at his graduation. He felt hot tears well in his eyes.

Just as the vice principal started to ask “are you okay?” somebody started clapping.

Evan turned to face the audience, scanning the crowd for the one person clapping loudly, aggressively.

What he saw was Zoe Murphy slowly standing up from her seat next to her parents, her hands a wild blur as she clapped. He parents, on either side, looked at her like she had grown two heads. Zoe’s smile outshone the sun. Her white dress fluttered in the soft breeze, giving her an all-around angelic appearance. Evan was reminded of the memories of the way she sang and the way she smiled and laughed and played the guitar, and although she really hadn’t handled the scandal well, she was human. And a lovely human at that.

On the other side of the football field, Connor stood up too, a wide grin on his face. His face was red, from embarrassment or overheating. Then Jared stood. Then Alana. And of course, his mother was clapping cheerily along, sniffling the whole time.

The students began to applaud respectfully. Evan’s knees were weak; he was ninety-nine percent sure he was dehydrated.

He had accidentally crushed his diploma in his hand.

“You need to let the next person go,” the principal hissed.

Evan took one last look out to the audience. Taking in the loving faces of his friends and family and the begrudging smiles of his peers. And sure, maybe he wasn’t overwhelmed with a wave of applause.

But there was something else in the air, something that made the whole sweating-through-his-graduation-robe ordeal worth it.

Forgiveness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy. shit.
> 
> this is it. the penultimate chapter.
> 
> woah.
> 
> this has been a wild ride for me as well as y'all. this fic has grown with me, i've grown to love it and the characters and the plotline. in the words of my favorite netflix original, it's really all that and a bag of chips.
> 
> if there's anything you want from me, say my character playlists, or anything else, now's the time to ask. if you want to make art, DO IT and send it to me at smolweedboi on tumblr or connormurphywho on insta.
> 
> i love you all so much.
> 
> see you next chapter.


	26. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year later.

In all of Evan’s eighteen years of living in Pasek, Connecticut, he had never gone to that little wooden dock in the summer.

Sure, he had gone back to the small abandoned dock during the winter, staring at the dark water and half expecting a pale arm to float up to the surface, limp and lifeless. 

But this was different. 

The July sun was bright and warm, and Evan’s cheap sunglasses provided little comfort against the berating sunshine. It was hot- the thermometer had said it was ninety degrees that day- but a cool breeze off of the water was enough to keep Evan from completely sweating through his shirt. Ski boats, jet skis, canoes, and the like crowded the small lake. Whoops and music could be heard ricocheting across the water. 

Evan’s sneakers sat beside him on the dock, his bare feet dangling in the high tide. The water was crisp and cold, not nearly as murky as it was in the winter. 

On a whim, Evan placed his phone and wallet on the dock and slid into the water, the cold enveloping him as he went under. It was a pleasant shock, and Evan was grinning from ear to ear when he broke the surface. His khaki shorts were uncomfortably heavy, but he really could care less. 

A family drifted by on a pontoon boat, the parents drinking wine and the kids guzzling soda. The boat’s muddled speakers played soft classic rock. One little girl, her face smeared with what appeared to be chocolate ice cream, waved at Evan and smiled a huge gap-toothed grin. Evan waved back as well as he could, lazily treading water. 

The boat moved on. 

Evan dunked his head under water, reveling in the cold realness of it. 

Evan didn’t even notice the footsteps on the dock.

“Hansen?”

Evan almost choked on lake water. “Wh- Connor?”

At the edge of the dock stood Connor Murphy, like a distant memory from a not-so-distant time. His hair was in a bun, revealing multiple piercings in his ears. He was wearing a ‘Clean Energy Crusaders’ t-shirt and, most shockingly, cargo shorts.

“No, it’s fucking Lindsay Lohan.”

Evan grinned. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m on break. Figured I would at least come home for the fireworks, right?” Connor shoved his hands in his pockets (two of the many). 

Right. July 4th. Evan had almost completely forgotten about the whole Independence Day thing. He and his mom were planning on going down to the high school football field and watch the town’s fireworks like everybody else in town. As a matter of fact, Heidi was probably making peach cobbler and canned lemonade as they spoke.

“Oh. Yeah.”

“So.” Connor looked nervous, for some reason. He was slightly sunburned, and the skin on the bridge of his nose was peeling. “The Potato King’s still open, I hear. Want to… grab a burger or something? My treat.”

Connor held out a hand to help Evan up onto the dock. Evan paused, looking up into Connor’s gaunt face, his tired eyes shining. Evan just stared at Connor’s extended hand, his nails ragged and the black polish chipping off. Skeletal and cold and just like Evan remembered.

“You know, for old times sake.”

Evan took it. Connor’s hand still fit perfectly in his own. 

“For old time’s sake.”

 

~

 

Evan sat on the same plaid blanket he had every year, chatting amiably with his mother and eating crappy pizza they had ordered before they came. Little kids ran wild, their faces sticky with snow cone residue. The speakers were playing some random pop song. It was that perfect summer dusk temperature, not too hot and not too cold. 

The only difference between this summer night and the years beforehand were the Murphys, lounging on their own blanket next to Evan and his mother. 

Connor and Zoe bickered about something stupid, but it didn’t seem hostile. They were just stupid kids fighting over an obscure old disagreement with no real weight to it.

Sure, it was still tense with Zoe. Connor had told Evan over burgers that she had joined the women’s robotics team, the Hackhers, and was renowned at school as the ‘queen of shitty robots’. When Evan asked her about it, she had said that it didn’t matter. 

But as the fireworks started and Connor shifted over on the blanket to lean his head on Evan’s shoulder, Zoe kept her mouth shut. 

It was a spectacle of color and sound, and Evan breathed in time with Connor as the soft dusk breeze cooled their sunburned faces.

Evan had no idea where he was going in life. He was going into college without a major, with a mediocre job at Pottery Barn and a penchant for trees. He didn’t know if he wanted to date guys or girls.

Hell, he didn’t know if he wanted to date anyone.

There was no saying how his past experiences would affect his dating later on in life, but as the fireworks painted the indigo sky a mosaic of color, Evan decided he wasn’t shying away from his mistakes anymore.

He had always survived by lying.

“I’m okay.”

“It’s nothing.”

Connor’s face was illuminated in the light, the soft smile on his face a beauty unsurpassed by the fireworks. 

Evan was done living out falsehoods. 

He was done with the shouldn’t think it, shouldn’t do it.

Shouldn’t talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT!!!!  
> It's over. I'll admit, I'm going to miss writing this lil shit. I've built up these characters and this plot so much over the course of this fic and oh my god, am I sad to see it go.
> 
> I'd like to thank everyone who joined me on this journey, it really was a wild ride for us all. Thanks to everyone who commented, every single comment makes my day. 
> 
> I figure I'll add an abbreviated list of each character's 'playlists' for y'all, so here goes.
> 
> Evan:  
> Lies- Marina And The Diamonds  
> Gravel To Tempo- Hayley Kiyoko  
> It's A Shame- First Aid Kit  
> Stolen Dance- Milky Chance  
> Sailing To Philadelphia- Mark Knopfler and James Taylor (I'm sorry, I'm a born Pennsylvanian and I feel like he would like this song. sue me.)
> 
> Connor:  
> Bad Liar- Selena Gomez  
> Weak- AJR  
> My Silver Lining- First Aid Kit  
> That Thing You Do- That Thing You Do movie soundtrack  
> Closer- The Tiny
> 
> Zoe:  
> You Lie- The Band Perry  
> One For The Road- Dodie Clark  
> Seashore- The Regrettes  
> Ahead By A Century- Anne With An E  
> Shut Up And Dance- Walk The Moon
> 
> So yeah. There you go. Again, a huge thank you to all of you. I love you all. Please Please check out my other works and show them as much love as you showed this one. 
> 
> Sincerely,  
> OOTF


End file.
